The Fickle Finger of Fate

FOOTBALL IS a fickle mistress. One minute you re celebrating Man U making complete arses of themselves in Rio, and the next it s pass the Kleenex time as a major part of your childhood is booted into touch.
I doubt if mine were the only middle-aged tears shed last week as American toy giant, Hasbro, announced that they were giving Subbuteo the red card.
From a mid- 70s peak of 600,000, sales of the table-top footie game have dwindled to a mere 50,000 sets a year. You don t have to be Graeme Le Saux to work out why mould-injected plastic Beckhams and Yorkes are no match for their 3D-rendered computer rivals.
Production of Subbuteo will cease in January 2000, although Subbuteo games and teams will be available from retailers across the UK and Ireland for the next few months, says a Hasbro spokesman. The decision to cease production has been made as a result of the huge number of football-related products that have flooded the market in recent years.
It s a sudden and all too clinical demise for a game that s had young lads brushing up on their wrist action since 1947. With precious few multinationals around in those days, the job of inventing it went to Peter Adolph, a birdwatcher from Tunbridge Wells who named it after the Latin for hobby hawk .
Realising that he was on to a nice little earner, Adolph set up his own manufacturing plant in Langton Green which, joy of prepubescent joys, was just five miles away from the Clark family abode. Pre-dating Bart Simpson by 25 years, I used to go on and on and on and on at my mum until I was ferried over to the factory shop to buy more swag.
Actually, when I say factory , what I really mean is the two sheds full of old dears who painted the relevant team colours on by hand. A simple enough task if it was Liverpool, but a right bastard if there was a sudden rush on Partick Thistle.
Of course, there was constant pressure to out-do your mates, with my pride and joy the limited edition Boca Juniors set which accompanied their winning of the 1977 World Club Championship. If the dog hadn t trodden on their entire back four, I d now be somewhere in the region of #200 better off. Them s, quite literally, the breaks.
Subbuteo also enjoys a special place in Irish rock n roll history courtesy of the He flicked to kick/but I didn t know line which The Undertones inserted into My Perfect Cousin .
The cousin didn t play Subbuteo, so it s a wee bit contrived, but it reflected the interest we had in the game, and gave us a concept for the video and single sleeve, the song s author, Mickey Bradley, tells Hot Press. The first team I bought was Celtic, and then I made my own Derry City by painting red stripes on to Leeds. The thing which always amazed me was the attention to detail. Y know, you d get Manchester United and there d be a bald bloke like Bobby Charlton.
I m not entirely convinced it isn t a marketing scam, but if it doesn t suddenly reappear in time for Christmas, yeah, it s a pity. Personally, I m okay because I ve got all my old teams tucked away in their boxes.
His cynicism is shared by Andy Cairns, a man who s never happier than when he s applying an expert fingernail to Gianfranco Zola s bottom.
How much would the publicity they ve got over the past week have cost them if they d had to pay for it? ponders the Therapy? mainman. Sales are down again, sure, but if they suddenly shoot up again as a result of the coverage, are Hasbro going to abandon all the tens of thousands of hardcore Subbuteo fans?
Cairns could almost fill the void himself the local Subbuteo team from wherever they re playing is one of the demands on the Therapy? rider.
Well, it used to be until the crew discovered FIFA 2000 with crowd noises and John Motson, and I became God s lonely flicker, he says forlornly. In the old days, though, I d forfeit eight cans of lager in order to get my FC Brugge or Borussia Moenchengladbach. At the peak, I had about 60 teams.
Such was Therapy? s penchant for the beautiful little game that the first flight-case off their tour lorry was the one containing the astroturf Subbuteo pitch. I witnessed this myself a few years ago in Cardiff where, at Cairns request, the Welsh Table Football Champion came along to give them a coaching session.
Before battle could commence, the hallowed plastic had to be checked with a spirit-level, and each player s base Mr. Sheened to perfection. I d always sniggered at the idea of Subbuteo being made an Olympic sport which it very nearly was during the 80s but watching former world number three, Carl Young, in action made me realise that it s more than a kiddie pastime. The things that bloke could do with his fingers . . .well, let s just say he s a big hit with the ladies.
Talking to him afterwards, it transpired that competitive Subbuteo can be every bit as violent as its big brother. Young was nearly blinded 10 years ago when the father of a young opponent tried to gouge his eyes out and has the scars to prove it.
The other thing he told me was that, with a bit of practice, Andy Cairns had it in him to go to the Table Football World Cup.
Aye, I could have been a contender, Cairns laughs. Joking apart, it s as much a part of my childhood as Doctor Who and Love Bites by the Buzzcocks, and I d hate to see it go.
Stop press: Word has just reached H.P. Central that as a result of all the letters, calls and e-mails they ve received, Hasbro are reviewing their decision to give Subbuteo its marching orders. This one looks like going all the way to penalties . . .