The law will tear us apart again

Catherine Cotterill is a 28-year-old Australian who currently lives in Dublin with her Irish partner. The couple, who met whilst working at the Sydney Opera House, have been together for three years, although the relationship at first seemed threatened by the expiration of her partner’s work visa, and subsequent return to Ireland.

“But we couldn’t leave it alone,” Catherine recalls. “We missed each other too much, and in the end, I decided to make the move to Ireland so we could be together. It took me another seven or eight months to save up the money. I was working double shifts, 70 hours a week; I sold off all my stuff, said goodbye and went to London to stay with my sister until we’d organised a place to live in Dublin.”

The couple are still together. However, since Irish law does not currently recognise their relationship, Catherine will be forced to leave this country when her visa expires.

That’s because Catherine’s partner is a woman.

In this country, the majority of the rights afforded married couples – rights that have a significant bearing on residency, tax and welfare – are not extended to same sex couples, since they do not even exist in the eyes of the law.

“I knew what we were up against in terms of the law when we moved here,” Catherine says, “but I thought, ‘Let’s do it anyway.’ When I moved, neither of us knew if it was going to work out, and now, it has worked out times ten. Can I leave her? There’s no way. There is no way! It’s like every real relationship that anyone has – leaving someone just doesn’t come into it.”

Ireland’s policy on immigration is weighted heavily in favour of married couples, and since marriage is not even an option for gay couples, Catherine is treated as a single immigrant irrespective of her relationship with an Irish citizen.

“We decided we wanted to commit about a year ago,” Catherine explains. “We’d gotten over the hard yards and I’d made it here. But when I moved over, the thought of staying together permanently had been well at the back of my mind. It had always been a possibility, like, I would never rule that out, but it wasn’t the exactly a pressing issue. I had to sort myself out first with a job and my own life because I can’t be comfortable in a relationship unless I’m comfortable with me and with what I’m doing. So it wasn’t like, ‘Let’s all move over here to get married, or whatever.’

“We’ve both proposed, though. But because in the back of our heads we know that it can never happen, it’s been like a joke. But it’s not really a joke. We know that’s what we ultimately want to do, and hopefully it’s going to happen, but we can’t seriously consider it until all this is settled. How can we even allow ourselves to fantasize about a future together when there is no future for us?”

Despite Australia’s progressive attitude to diverse domestic arrangements, the suggestion that the couple should re-locate is not practical.

“Why do I want to stay here? Because I’m in love,” Catherine emphasises.. “I didn’t choose who I fell in love with. This just happened and this is just the place where she’s from. Also, the relationship has been accepted by her family and friends, which has made it a lot easier. I’m a lot more flexible than she is, work-wise, and I don’t mind moving over here or living here. I love living here. And just because it’s not the ideal situation in terms of gay acceptance doesn’t make it a bad place to be. I had ten years of the ideal situation in Sydney where being gay is about as important a factor of your personality as having curly hair, and that didn’t make me happy. I could run around the streets kissing girls if I’d wanted, but I wasn’t fulfilled. But this relationship is fulfilling.

“I’m not going to lie, if we broke up tomorrow, I would leave, but the point is that we want to build a life here together and it’s not an option for her to go to Australia. She’s got her family, her friends and her career here, which is very healthy at the moment. She’s very family-oriented, a typical Irish girl, and even if one of us were male, we’d still have chosen to live here. I’ve been travelling for two years – my ties to Australia are not as strong as my girlfriend’s are to Ireland. But it seems as if Ireland is trying to wash its hands of us.”

Which, of course, it is. Much of Europe, including Germany, France, The Netherlands, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway and Iceland have adapted legislation to recognise the rights of same sex couples to varying degrees – in The Netherlands, for example, the definition of the word “marriage” was changed to include both heterosexual and same sex couples. From painful personal experience Catherine now knows that such change can’t come quickly enough in this country.

“Even though we always knew that this was coming, if anyone had said to me a year ago that this is where I’d be now, I wouldn’t have believed it,” she reflects.”I always thought something would have changed, something would have sorted itself out, someone would have done something…surely! But unfortunately, it’s looking like we have to get in there and do it ourselves – start challenging people and their beliefs. We’re normal people who just want and feel and need the same things as everybody else, so why aren’t we treated that way?”

However, Catherine insists that this is not a quest to reform the church or society, or campaign for gay marriage. The issue here is equal rights for couples, irrespective of sexual orientation, who live together outside of the bounds of marriage.

“What I want is equal rights,” she says. “I want to be able to stay here. If I were a man, I’d be able to get a permanent work permit because our relationship would be recognised and we’d be able to make plans for our future because we’d have one. And no one would question the fact that I’m in the country. I just want the simple things – I just want to live my life with the person I’ve chosen to share it with in the country I’ve chosen to live in. I’m really happy here, and I don’t want to leave. I’m in a committed relationship and it’s just because of my gender that I’m not allowed to stay. I’m not a threat to anyone here.

“I’m not claiming anything and I haven’t done anything wrong. All I’ve been doing is paying loads and loads of Emergency Tax. Taxed and taxed and taxed to hell! And I’ve worked an honest 40; even 60-hour week the whole time I’ve been here, in crappy jobs like managing cafés and waitressing. I don’t even mind that, really. I haven’t done anything wrong. I haven’t done anything to anybody! All I’ve done is fall in love, and all I want to do is be with my girlfriend. That’s my only crime and I’m not hurting anybody except myself, and her.”

Senator David Norris, who has been instrumental in bringing gay rights to the fore in Irish politics, is currently drawing up a legislative proposal on domestic partnership that covers all couples, same sex or heterosexual, who are in committed long term relationships outside of marriage.

“At the moment, there is no legal standing in Ireland for same sex couples,” he confirms. “It is important not to treat this simply as a gay issue, but to put it in the context of the general rights of people who live outside marriage. I hope this bill, when it is presented to the Senate, will be given a second reading.

“It may also be convenient for the Government to have this raised in a non-controversial way since so many people in public and political life and in the political parties at Government level are themselves living in relationships that are outside marriage, so it might spare them some embarrassment if a shameless old tart like myself were to introduce it through the Senate.”

Faced with her imminent departure from Ireland and the enormous problems that would pose for her relationship, Catherine is determined to fight all the way.

“It’s not just about us,” she affirms. “There are a thousand other couples out there going through exactly the same thing. Think about it. Here is a young couple who are in love and have been together for three years. If you put the gender aside, is there anybody who would actually deny them the right to live together in one partner’s country of birth? I don’t think so. But once you mix in the gay thing, you run into problems. I’d love my children to be able to live in an equal opportunities environment, and major changes are going to have to be made before that can happen. But we’re willing to give it a shot.”