Some people can become obsessed with thinking about sex and planning to have it, of patterns of behaviour and processes of acting out, where they might see a sexy billboard or an attractive person and then the fantasy kicks in and a lot of time is spent thinking about how to find the next encounter. A lot of time and energy can be taken up with this focus of their lives.
One could forgive sceptics and cynics alike for dismissing sex addiction as yet another invention of the Californian psyche, of that aspect of American culture that thrives on neuroses. But Dr. Claire Boers-Stoll, an American psychologist based in Europe s sex capital, Amsterdam, insists that sexual compulsion can prove just as destructive as other more traditional addictive behaviour.
It s not always easy to define although there are some diagnostic criteria, she explains. It s mainly the compulsive nature of it, the inability to stop or control it, although people may have temporary periods where they abstain, then fall back into it again. It s the fact that it escalates and becomes worse and worse and begins to cause problems in their lives, either in their health or their relationships, or in breaking the law. It s much like other addictions and you can compare it to alcohol abuse or eating disorders. A little bit is normal, but too much gets to be a problem.
Addictive sexual behaviour can take a bewildering variety of forms.
There are probably just as many patterns as there are people, says Boers-Stoll. There are people who are addicted to one behaviour. For example, the story of the clergyman s wife whose husband never had sex with her, to the point where she got addicted to masturbation, and to the extent of injuring herself and having to seek medical treatment. For many sex addicts it becomes a progressive disease where, maybe, they start with being married or having a relationship, and being too demanding. Then, maybe, they have affairs on the side, and possibly add going to prostitutes frequently, pornography, masturbation, and then they begin to go lower and lower past their own limits.
A very common factor is dysfunctional families, she explains. Often, a very high percentage have been sexually abused. Also, emotional abuse, which includes emotional neglect and emotional incest. Emotional incest is when a parent leans on a child for emotional support. For instance, where a wife doesn t get on with her husband and she aligns with one of the children and begins to confide in the child, with the child ending up taking care of the parent emotionally. So, the child gets the inappropriate message that they re very powerful, are responsible for the parents feelings, or that it s their job in life to take care of others. This is one of the dynamics of co-dependency, which is also very inter-related with sexual addiction, especially where you re talking about the partners of sex addicts.
Emotional incest is actually very common in a lot of families, she continues. The child doesn t get the support or nurturing that it needs. The roles become reversed and the child becomes the parent, and the parent becomes the child. Children in such situations learn to read the parent s behaviour very well and zero in on the mood of the parent a similar situation occurs with an alcoholic or drug-addicted parent and the child becomes focused on the other s feelings because it s a matter of survival. The child can then get out of touch with their own feelings; they don t get shielded from the adult problems that children shouldn t have to be subjected to at a young age. Consequently, they may get arrested in a certain stage of development and not develop normally on an emotional level.
Sex addicts/compulsives may also have other obsessive tendencies.
If you look at the dysfunctional family of eight, says Boers-Stoll, there is often some kind of addictive or compulsive behaviour. Research in the area does seem to suggest that there may be links between this and other addictive behaviours. So, there could be some type of inherited tendency to develop addictions. But, there is no clear-cut addictive personality.
Yet, if one were to believe some of the scientific and psychological findings we have to date, are we not supposed to accept that men are sexual compulsives by nature?
I don t think that s true, counters Boers-Stoll. I think that s going a bit too far. Yes, there are more sex addicts identified as male than female but, certainly, there are female sex addicts.
In an instance where Boers-Stoll has identified a particular patient s sexual addiction, how is treatment and rehabilitation approached?
Treatment for someone with sexual addiction seeking help for their behaviour is usually multi-disciplinary, by more than one health-care provider, because they often have multiple needs. Twelve-Step Programmes are the usual process and there are four of them I know which are for addicts themselves, and then there are side-organisations for the co-dependent partners and family members. I mean, think what it does to a family if someone is sex addicted they re absent so much, their money is being spent on sexually-related behaviour and paraphernalia, the infidelity. Just like any addiction, it s a family disease. And if they break the law and get caught, there are problems again which go with that.
Twelve-Step Programmes are popular in the US for a number of disorders, including alcoholism and obesity, but how successful are they?
Twelve-Step Programmes are just one aspect of treatment, and they re a very important aspect because you can t treat a serious addiction with just an individual therapy. People with different behaviours need medical help as well because, of course, the greatest risk is AIDS, with any high-risk behaviour. This is the dangerous aspect, where people risk their lives and the lives of their partners. And, of course, there is the risk of other sexually transmitted diseases too. So sometimes medical treatment is needed for injuries to people s sexual organs and so on.
Twelve-Step Programmes, though, are effective for people that follow them. Yet, not everybody is willing to really commit themselves to one. It s a pretty intense commitment. Twelve-Step Programmes are great in terms of addressing the behaviours and the patterns and offering a spiritual programme to people, but they don t necessarily address in-depth the family of origin issue and the trauma that people may have been through. Psychotherapy can be a helpful addition to treatment. n
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