The first thing I learned to ride was a bicycle. The first thing I learned to drive was an ass and cart. (Or was it a donkey? I can't remember which breed of that stubborn species it was. It was a while back, you know.) The first place I drove this donkey/ass to was a bog. (Well, I was only allowed to drive him a little of the way, because we had to go down a main road to get to our bit of bog.) The first game I loved to watch was Gaelic football. The first game I learned to play was Gaelic football. The first person I idolised was my eldest brother, who was a great, great footballer. So, beyond doubt - nary a question about it - I am a bogman through and through.
So what's wrong with being a bogman who plays and supports Gaelic? A hell of a lot, if you're to believe Declan Lynch. He describes us as: "GAA mucksavages... anxious for their primal fix; "You watch GAA matches, with all their brutality and innate stupidity"; "The type of tribal bestiality which they mistakenly call sport"; "The natural affinity with violence which is the trademark of Bogball". Come on, Declan. It's bad enough having a history of English propaganda written about us - portraying us as apes and laughing at the 'Thick Paddy' - without having our own writers carrying on the tradition.
Why should the fact that I was reared beside a bog make me innately stupid? Bogs are beautiful places. So why should they have got such a bad name? It doesn't make sense to me. Why should playing Gaelic football turn me into a mucksavage? And, anyway, what's wrong with muck in the first place? I grew up shovelling it and cowdung and the like. I mean, I've nothing against muck. We all come from it, don't we?
GREAT THRILL
I have played Gaelic most of my life. I love the game. For about six years I never missed a match because of injury. In all my time playing it I was in a scrap about two or three times, with nothing serious arising from any of these incidents. Sure, there was often intense rivalry and lots of hard hitting and the like. And maybe I am primitive but I really enjoyed that fierce competitive edge. It was a great thrill to be part of a game where everybody was giving everything and the crowd was full of high voltage. I hit hard enough, though usually fair, I'd like to think. Shoulders were shoulders and I remember getting hit by one once and being so winded and shaken that it took me five minutes to realise where I was. I remember giving a few too which left the fella in a similar state.
But Gaelic football is about a lot more than physical contact. Without skill you'll get a place on the junior club team and that's about all. Catching a ball is a magnificent skill. It requires timing, strength, tactics, a good eye, a good spring, good hands, and the absolute belief that the ball is yours. To see a player rise among four or five and grasp the ball, pull it down into his chest, then surge forward the moment he hits the ground is in my humble opinion something beautiful to watch. To see a player solo through a defence like an arrow, shrugging off tackles with ease to rifle a shot into the net is a glorious thing.
To see a forward collect a ball at the corner flag, weave his way in, selling dummies, and then, from what seems like an impossible angle, score a point, is beautiful. To see a back dive and block a shot, to see a goalie kick out a ball high and well past the half-way line, to see a fifty being placed straight between the posts, to see two players battling for a loose ball, with one of them then tearing away, to see the ball being passed out of defence the whole way up the field and a score coming from it; these and many more are things I find thrilling about Gaelic.
Gaelic is a tough and sometimes violent game, I can't argue there. But we Irish are a tough and sometimes violent people. Are we so unique? Are we so primitive? And if we all started playing soccer would be somehow become more civilised? I doubt it. I worked in a pub in London once which had a good crowd of soccer supporters on a Saturday night. I saw things happen there that I have never seen here, and I've worked in pubs here too. I saw a fella from Manchester being told that if he didn't get out that minute, he wouldn't be walking out. I've been to soccer matches there and seen mounted police herd supporters into pen-like stadiums. And why is it that Derry play in the Southern League, if soccer is such a civilised sport? And does soccer encourage civilised behaviour in Glasgow?
When was the last time there was a riot at Croke Park? In the '70s and '80s, were Dublin and Kerry supporters segregated? I remember being in the Cat ... Cage after Kerry had beaten Dublin, when who should walk into the throng of Blue only Pat Spillane. He got cheered and pints were bought for him. I remember Kevin Moran saying about how he loved visiting Kerry. Is all this an indication of savage behaviour?
INCREDIBLY POPULAR
I don't want this to be a 'my game is more skilful and more civilised than yours' argument. Because I don't see it that way. I grew up a fan of Manchester United, for years keeping a scrap book of them. My eldest brother has gone over to see Spurs on several occasions. So, I have never understood this need that some soccer fans have of putting down Gaelic - and vice versa. In fact, I find such arguments childish, and yes, a little primitive.
Okay, the powers that be in the GAA refuse to allow Ireland to play at Croke Park. That is a stupid and ultra-nationalist viewpoint. There may have been a time when people felt that they had to protect our native sports. But that need and DeValera's ideology have long passed. Gaelic sport is now robust, well rooted and incredibly popular. It doesn't need protecting from anything by anybody.
What GAA headquarters does need to do is show some signs of maturity; to show that it has acquired the capacity to be inclusive rather than being paranoid and xenophobic. Because most of its players and supporters can see no contradiction in wanting Ireland to win the World Cup and wanting their county to win the All Ireland. And I think most people would love to see Ireland play at Croke Park. That would not be an admission of defeat; that would be a glorious victory for an all-inclusive republican Ireland. It would be another step away from the hidden Ireland of right-wing, fascistic Catholic zealots.
Attacking such regressive attitudes is one thing; but using them as a basis for describing all those who play and support Gaelic as mucksavages and primitive beasts is something quite different. Is this the post-colonial slave mentality, whereby the lies and propaganda of the imperialist have become so ingrained that everything native is seen as inferior and everything coming from England/abroad is seen as superior? Or perhaps it's the need that some of us have to find somebody to ridicule and despise? Like the KKK needs its Nigger; like the Nazi needs his Jew or Turk; like the right-winger needs his Communist; like the jackeen or townie needs his bogman and the bogman needs his jackeen.
Personally, I'm sick of the cynicism that is so rooted in the Irish mind. I grew up smothered by it; where behind people's backs were to be found pits where the begrudgers dug and dug. I grew up being told about how wonderful the English were, of how lucky my parents were to have found jobs there. Things Irish weren't so much put down, as not put anywhere. No music, no stories, no sense of a past or heritage. In fact, my mother was wont to write letters to the Minister For Education, telling him to scrap history in the schools, that it was only causing trouble.
I learned the hard way that putting yourself and your heritage down and trying to imitate the English way, does you no good at all. I've worked hard to be proud of who I am and that's why I very much resent anybody calling me a mucksavage or tribal beast. That's not funny to me. Nor is it sarcastic or cynical. That's racism, whether it be the inverse, perverse or reverse kind. I mean, would it be acceptable if somebody went to Africa and described a Black sport as: "African mucksavages... anxious for their primal fix"; "You watch African matches, with all their brutality and innate stupidity"; "The type of tribal bestiality which they mistakenly call sport".
EXTREMELY PROUD
Gaelic is more than just a sport to me; it's part of my culture and my heritage. And although I am aware of the dangers inherent in nationalism, I still firmly believe that we should celebrate who and what we are and where we've come from. I'm a bogman and proud of it. I was brought up on Gaelic football and I'm proud of that too. I'm extremely proud of the fact that it is our very own sport; that it has been created out of the imagination and genius of the Irish people. When my children are old enough I'll be teaching them to play football and hurling and handball and soccer and every and any game they take a notion to playing. I hope - being the bogman that I am - that they choose a Gaelic sport, but if they don't, no big deal; not to worry.
I will tell them that they should be proud of who and what they are. I will tell them that their Uncles Hugh and PJ were great footballers, and that I was all right myself. I'll tell them that it's great being Irish. I will never tell them that being Irish makes you superior to another race or people. No, just that it's good to feel good about who you are. There will be no talk in our house about Paddies, Mucksavages, Bogmen, John Bulls, Niggers, Chinks or Wogs.
You can take the man out of the bog, and you can take the bogey out of the man, but if you take the bog out of the man, what have you left?