BISHOP COX: I WANNA BE ELECTED!

AS TDS and wannabe TDs press their cloaks and whet their daggers in preparation for the imminent General Election, Irish democracy lies shrouded in a dense fog of pollution and fraud.
The millionaire class already seems to have all the public representation that bank drafts can buy. The rest of us, meanwhile, are reduced to fighting among ourselves over abandoned scraps of power and influence. We are gulls following a garbage barge.
What Ireland needs now, as never before, is someone to turn back the tide of corruption and venality. A genuine people s champion fearless enough to slay the twin dragons of favouritism and injustice.
Without a credible anti-sleaze candidate, the General Election will be a squalid farce, the flipping in the air of 30 pieces of silver. Who better to fulfil such a crucial role than the celebrated religious outlaw, Most Reverend Bishop Michael Cox?
I would dearly love to stand for election, declares His Lordship, with ebullient ardour. I d be the first bishop in history to do it. And, do you know what? I d have an excellent chance of winning a seat too. The people of Ireland would know that they could trust me completely. I say that in all humility.
Believe me, if I ever got inside the Dail, they d all desert the place. Heh, heh, heh. They wouldn t be able to stick me at all. I d be out for justice and what s right and natural. I wouldn t tolerate any Mickey Mousing whatsoever.
For those who have not yet had the pleasure, allow me to introduce Bishop Michael Cox. He is a 52-year-old bona fide Tridentine prelate who lives in a 25-foot-long mobile home on the grounds of the formerly derelict church he is renovating at Cree, in the wilds of County Offaly. His mission is to establish his own Tridentine community, affording those with reservations about post-Vatican II Catholicism the option of the Latin mass and a general return to traditional Church values.
Last November, Bishop Cox made international headlines when he set up the world s first healing and confessions telephone hotline, offering callers both the chance of miracle cures and the absolution of sins. All funds raised by this unique 24-hour premium rate service go towards the transformation of Saint Colman s, the Cree church, into a Tridentine cathedral.
Bishop Cox s only personal income is a weekly disability pension of #66, to which he is entitled as a result of his medical discharge from the army signal corps in the early 70s. Therefore, he is seeking sympathetic financial backers for his tilt at Leinster House. Alone, he could never hope to survive in the yawning money pit that is the modern election campaign.
If I was nominated now by one of the Christian parties, that would be ideal, he asserts. I would certainly go forward on their behalf. But I would accept support from any political party or political grouping, as long as they accepted that my primary responsibility would be to the people who voted for me.
I don t know what it takes to go as an independent. It would certainly require a great deal of money and that s all I m lacking. I am a humble man. I live the life of Saint Francis. If you know of some wealthy person or persons that would like to back me, I will be happy to talk to them. Believe me, I would do a very good and genuine job.
Would he welcome a contribution from that great and selfless philanthropist, Ben Dunne?
Ben Dunne never threw any money my way, he replies. But I wouldn t say no. You can put that down in print. I would accept money from anyone but I d be upfront about it. I d tell the whole country who I got the money from. I m not too happy about the secrecy of these big donations. Who do you trust? As a genuinely concerned citizen of Ireland, I wouldn t be pleased about that at all.
Bishop Cox does not hold the Irish body politic in very high regard. He believes that our TDs and senators are completely un-Godly.
I watch the Oireachtas Report on the television, he avers. I watch all the debates in the Dail and the Senate. And I ve come to the conclusion that they re not at all mindful of Christ up there.
Last year, His Lordship threatened to perform an exorcism at the gates of Leinster House. Some time earlier, he had ceremonially attempted to cast out the Devils from the RTE complex in Montrose with what, he believes, was considerable success. He has long been particularly disturbed by the carry-on of the Rainbow Coalition.
There are some individuals who are worse than others, he has argued. I was not one bit pleased with Proinsias De Rossa s comments during the divorce referendum, for example. There was no need for him to call bishops liars . And there was no need for Alan Dukes to call a bishop a bastard , as he did some years ago. I mean no disrespect to you by using the word bastard , Liam. I m using the word bastard not as a curse or as an offence to God. I m simply quoting. He did call a bishop a bastard . That was unprofessional, un-Christian and it was certainly not gentlemanly.
To attack any clergyman in such a manner is plain wrong. The bishops do not have to take that kind of abuse. I certainly am not going to take it lying down.
Today, he still does not rule out the need for a a formal spiritual cleansing of the national parliament. If I did an exorcism on the Dail at the moment, the Rainbow would vaporise, he chuckles. It would disintegrate. You can put that in writing as well. We d have no more Rainbows in Ireland. Saint Patrick banished the snakes but Bishop Cox would banish the Rainbows.
If elected, His Lordship would immediately embark on a crusade of Dail reform. I d spend the first period of time sniffing around, investigating this, that and the other, he pledges. I d get me bearings. Anything that I found that was corrupt or wrong, I would attack it straight away. If the people of Ireland was being done wrong to, I d have no time for that. I d be onto yourself and the rest of the media and I d blow the whistle on the lot of them. They d have a terrible headache by the time they were finished with me. Heh, heh, heh.
Currently lacking the resources to draw up an official manifesto, Bishop Cox s policies are merely in chrysalis form. He favours more employment, better health, lots of dialysis machines and a clean environment . . . good and decent things, that s what I m for, he proclaims.
On the contentious issue of water charges, he takes an admirably firm position. He s against them. Water is a God-given gift from God, he states. People pay enough of taxes. They shouldn t have to pay more for water. God doesn t charge us for our air and our water.
A fortnight ago, Bishop Cox closed down his pre-recorded telephone confessional and healing line, in favour of a live service which he believes will save lives.
It wasn t a U-turn, he affirms. On the contrary, it was an updating of the line. Before this, callers were talking to a recording which I would then listen back to every day but now people can get me live. It s a liveline, like Marian Finucane s (laughs). It allows me to heal, counsel and comfort people directly on a one-to-one basis. I m very thankful to Almighty God and His blessed Mother. I m very thankful that the technology was there to enable me to do it.
The reason I have gone live is that I was very concerned and disturbed by some of the material that people were leaving on the tape. People in stress, looking for direction and help, spiritual and emotional. People were crying out for help and I wasn t there in person to help them. My prayers were with them and my best wishes but that wasn t enough. I am amazed at the amount of people who are depressed and suicidal.
There were some callers who would have committed suicide if it were not for their faith. If those people contact me live, I would be able to say to them, To commit suicide would be a permanent solution to what is only a temporary problem. It wouldn t even be a solution. Once you take your life, that s it! There s no going back. There s also the possibility of losing your immortal soul .
I believe I would be able to help. And, if I wasn t able to handle the situation, I would refer them elsewhere. I would promise them that I d pray for them and remember them in my daily mass, to try and let them know that they re not alone, that they have a friend.
Bishop Cox s liveline will be open for business seven days a week between 10am and 1pm, and 4pm and 10pm. It can be contacted at 1570-222-940 and calls cost #1 per minute. Alongside the counselling, confessions are heard and healing rituals are also available.
In hearing confessions, I don t ask the callers to give their sins over the phone, explains the bishop. What I ask them to do is give me their first name. I m only interested in their baptised name. I ask them to make a firm act of contrition and then I give them absolution. But they must mean it.
Alert to the dangers of technological eavesdropping, Bishop Cox is keen to protect the seal of the confessional from prying ears.
My main phone is in the mobile home, he attests. That s as safe as a house. But if I have to go out during the liveline hours if I have to go into Birr for a few messages, say the calls transfer to my mobile. I have a call forwarding system. But, when I get calls on my mobile, I have to be extremely careful about the type of conversation that takes place. There are all sorts of scanners and things that tap into mobile phones out there. I would caution the person that I m on the mobile before they start to speak or make a confession.
Bishop Cox has always claimed that he is being deployed by Almighty God as a channel for miraculous cures. His Lordship is unyielding in his insistence that the great Quack in the sky will be working His curative magic down the liveline.
Many, many people got cured over the recorded line, he contends. Mostly of migraine, though there have also been cures of pains and aches of various kinds. The Vatican II Church might not be too pleased to hear that but it s true. Of course, if I worked miracles by the new time every morning, they wouldn t be too pleased about it.
Bishop Michael Cox s health has never been strong. He suffers from a litany of ailments and will soon enter hospital for the latest in a lengthy series of stomach operations.
Part of my intestine is coming out through the inner wall of my stomach but not to worry, not to worry, he says defiantly. It s been a long, cold winter in the mobile home but I m bearing up. There s no doubt that this liveline will take up most of my time and be a bit of a strain but I have to justify my actions in front of Almighty God. It is my moral and spiritual duty.
Bishop Cox maintains that he has no idea how much money he has reaped thus far from his telephone hotlines. The service provider, Promodirect, handle such matters, he insists, and they have yet to provide a comprehensive tally.
All the money from the liveline and the previous line go towards the renovation of Saint Colman s. The roof alone needs big money to fix. I m putting the church before myself. After, and only after, I have the church and the grounds completed will I go about building a small pensioner-type unit on the grounds of the church for myself, where I can continue to live the humble life of Saint Francis.
While much remains to be done, work on Saint Colman s has already progressed to a point where it can safely accommodate the 50-strong congregation which attends Bishop Cox s Latin mass beneath its eaves every Sunday afternoon at 2pm.
I m still working on the painting and decorating but we have a few pews now and the church is of an appropriate standard for a public mass, he enthuses. Through Hot Press, I d like to appeal for some second-hand church furniture, especially an old Latin mass altar, marble or wooden. I would be very grateful if someone could donate an altar but I d also be prepared to pay a nominal fee.
A lot of travellers come to my Sunday mass. I m very much loved by the travelling community. They come from all parts of Ireland. They make long journeys to get to me so that I can bless them and their children. They also ask me to heal them. They re very interested in the Latin mass. They much prefer the old ways. They are very in tune with the old ways.
As well as the travellers, people come from around the locality. All are welcome. I m not one for causing divisions or discriminating against any being, unlike some in the Vatican II Church. You see, Liam, I m already a bit of a politician, amn t I? You can put that down in print. n