Saving the Planet: The Whole Hog's 2004

The Earth is pretty well fucked. Holes in the ozone layer the size of Meat Loaf. The planet fighting back with an epidemic of hurricanes assaulting the USA. Floods in the UK swallowing whole houses. The polar ice-cap melting so fast that by next October all Ireland will be submerged and the Dublin Spire will be a menace to ships. Coastal erosion eating giant lumps out of big fat continents. More hot air in Dail Eireann than any time since records began. Hothouse Flowers downsized to two original members. And you’re the only left who can do something about it!

So, if you’ve got nothing much on next year, here’s what you can do to enable this once great planet to hold its head up once again:
1. Assassinate George Bush.
2. Don’t buy or use anything you don’t need or want (especially government promises).
3. Rather than turning up the heat, wear more clothes, (it works for Daniel O’Donnell).
4. Do more of the good things in life that are free (sex, breathing, cultivating good conversation, walking in the countryside – if you can find any not being built on).
5. Avoid non-reusable plastic products (Westlife’s current CD, Michael McDowell, Big Macs)...
6. Start composting anything that rots, from raw vegetables and fruit to cardboard, grass and reality television.
7. Opt for products that come with minimal packaging (Kylie Minogue is a perfect example).
8. Recycle everything you can, especially newspapers, magazines, bottles, tin cans, county councillors.
9. Whenever there’s an alternative, boycott American goods until they take a more adult approach to conserving the earth’s resources.
10. Downsize your leisure pursuits – watch TG2, buy U1’s new CD, take your kids to S Club 3.5, get your kicks on Route 33.

One note of caution. The first time you save the world it’ll be a big thrill. After that, it’s all downhill.