Tally ho, ho, ho

The radio phonelines have been hopping over recent days with decent law-abiding citizens complaining about the threat from all too easily identified flying election posters. Quite apart from the danger posed by a Michael Noonan butting you on the head or a Bertie Ahern blocking your windscreen, the posters do nothing except insult the intelligent and disfigure the landscape. This blanket postering of town and country is not only ugly but arrogantly self-serving; just consider how far you’d get if you tried the same trick to promote, say, a charity gig. And the argument that postering is somehow intrinsically democratic doesn’t hold up; the big guns will always outshoot the small arms when it comes to financing the printing and distribution process. So here’s a suggestion: ban all posters (other than on approved and paid for billboard sites) and otherwise let those who wish to be elected restrict themselves to calling to the door where, hopefully, we can take their heads off before they remove ours.

The Progressive Democrats’ cheesy choice of Prosperous as the base from which to launch their election campaign led many great minds to consider appropriate launch pads for other parties and candidates. Horse and Jockey for Charlie McCreevy seemed a safe enough bet while Strokestown was the inspired suggestion for Fianna Fail. To those winners, hotpress would like to add Roosky for the Communist Party of Ireland. And as for Sinn Fein? Well, where else but Kill?

Feeling queasy after just a couple of weeks of weeks of dull election ache – I mean, you could hardly call it fever – we sent for a doctor. Happily Dr Millar was at home but, unfortunately, it was case of ‘physician heal thyself’. “I know you’re supposed to mellow as you get older,” said the good doctor, “but personally I think we should burn all media-slut politicians, especially the ones who think they matter.” Oddly, the doc’s high temperature made us feel much better. We thanked the artist also known as Sean for his prescription and looked forward to procuring the tonic which, from a sneak preview, we already know to be his upcoming new album – Doctor Millar & The Beet Club’s Always Coming Home.

Bull scriptwriter and stand-up John Moynes: “I’ll definitely be voting but not for any of the established parties. I think ordinary people should stand. Like plumbers, for example. They could look at the country’s problems and explain that they can’t fix them because they haven’t got the tools and anyway it would cost too much. And they wouldn’t have the time until sometime next year. Actually, that’s pretty much what the regular politicos do when you think about it…”

Former RTE New Comedy award-winner James Gouldsbury: “Elections in this country are not managed with a view to what the ordinary young Irish person really wants. These spindoctor types should be replaced by promoters and PR people who have a proven appeal with the youth. Female candidates should campaign naked. Especially Deirdre Heaney of Fianna Fail. Male candidates should also campaign naked while passing out free cans of beer so as not to alienate the lads. Traffic is the big issue. Not enough drug traffic, too much car traffic. I want a candidate like that Australian Prime Minister who touched the Queen’s arse. There’s not enough touching of Queen’s arses in Irish politics.”

Conceive, if you will, of our excitement when we overheard a colleague read out loud what sounded like a decidedly red-letter headline on an e-mail from Labour Party HQ: ‘QUINN HONOURS CONNOLLY AND MARX…’ Then imagine our disappointment when we looked at the screen, called up the full text and read ‘QUINN HONOURS CONNOLLY AND MARKS LABOUR’S 90th BIRTHDAY’. Oh well…

Coolock’s finest funnyman Eddie Bannon: “I’m starting my own party, the Blue party. We’re advocating pornography but because of the conservative nature of the Irish electorate we’re removing all the sex from pornography which’ll just leave us with love. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Who do I give the brown envelope to?’, right? We’re anticipating a low-turnout because tall people are too self-important to vote. Hence the political phrase, ‘It’s the little people who count’. One of our policies is to insist that all Dail statements must be sung. We’re advocating June Rogers for speaker.”

Thought for the day: “Politics is derived from two words – poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning small blood-sucking insects”

International Comedy Cellar mainman and mc Paddy Courtney: “I come from a traditionally Fianna Fail household but they won’t be getting my vote this year, because they won’t fund RTE properly and that means I can’t get on the telly. I think there’ll be a large student turnout this year, not because students are politically aware but because it’s exam time and they appreciate any distraction. So if they fail their exams they can blame the government.”

Another thought for the day: “Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason”

Star of stage and small screen, Deirdre O’Kane: “I won’t be voting because I’ll be in Tuscany on my holidays, and in case you think I’m one of these Celtic Tiger Kittens can I mention that it took me three years to save up for that. So I’m not cancelling because of an election.”

Xit Poll’s political reporter, Ocras Burke (pictured): “This election, in my professional view, is about charisma, charm and personal hygiene. It’s image over policy and Michael Noonan has it won. The man’s make-up is amazing. I’ve been on the election trail with Michael and we’ve become extremely close. He’ll definitely capture the women’s vote. This election hinges on two words: immaculate underpants.”

If the General Election needs a sponsor to inject life into it, maybe Berger Paints or Ronseal would be appropriate, especially given the editorial in the Wexford People which claimed that “Watching Paint Dry Would Be More Exciting”. Who could disagree? Ask most people what they remember of the last general election and they’ll struggle to get past John Prescott’s punch. Will a pie in Michael Noonan’s eye be the most enduring image of our own Election 2002? We await develoments leading up to polling day with, well, mild interest.