This chortle coil

He is widely reckoned to be one of the greatest joke-writers ever with three of his gags making it into the Top 100 Gags of All Time (as chosen by Esquire magazine). He also has a wacky and weird persona that has you laughing before he even opens his mouth.
A natural comedian if ever such a thing existed, Emo Philips this year celebrate 30 years in the business.
That’s 30 years of undiluted stand-up: no sitcoms, very few movie credits, and only a handful of TV appearances, one of which was Miami Vice.
So is he disappointed he wasn’t asked back for the movie version along with our very own Colin ‘Faddel’? “I think Adrian Brody is playing me,” he jokes, “but he has to lose some weight.”
Although the flickering, falsetto voice and occasional bodily contortions may seem to dominate his live sets, it’s really the age-old, near-forgotten idea of good, clean jokes that makes Philips stand out from the cursings and rantings of some present-day comedians. It also means that his shows never age.
When congratulated on being one of the best joke-writers ever, he responds: “One of the last joke-writers ever. I think I might be one of the best because no one else does it, hardly.”
Philips likes to keep his act squeaky clean, comparing a comic who has to swear to a karate black-belt who has to use a gun.
“I could get a big laugh off any joke if I swear in it but that doesn’t mean the joke is funny. The only way to know if a joke is funny is not to swear. Actually, the only way to know if are funny is not to swear. If you had a joke that’s worked all the time because you had the f-word in it and suddenly you have to take out the f-word and you realise that it doesn’t get a laugh, then what good is it? You might as well pump nitrous oxide through the air-vents. I should try that actually.”
If Emo Philips ever needs to pump nitrous oxide through the air vents to get a laugh there must be something inherently wrong with the world.
But, 30 years down the line, what if the punchlines never come? Is this something the great Emo Philips ever has to worry about?
“Yeah, it happens. Frustratingly enough, there’s always a joke everywhere, sometimes you just can’t find it. It’s like a science. There’s always something funny but sometimes you have to work to uncover it. And every generation is different from the one before; you always have to communicate with people in their own context.”
He admits, however, that he’s nervous about his up-coming show at the Comedy On Tap Festival in Letterkenny at the end of the month: apparently we Irish are a pretty scary lot, with high standards. “I think the Irish audience is the most discerning audience in the world, in terms of comedy at least.”
For whatever reason, we are all comedy connoisseurs, apparently. “The Irish comedian is really on top of his game because the audiences here are so intelligent. They force the comedians to work to the very highest level. They don’t let them get away with crap, unlike in America.“
So kudos to the Karl Spains and Jason Byrnes of this world and all that, but never forget: you’d be nothing without us – the great Irish public.
Philips, a fan of Monty Python, has strong opinions about British audiences, too.
“British audiences are slightly different to American audiences. The first thing I noticed when I came to Britain to perform was that British audiences don’t like you to ask them questions and play with them, American audiences feel left out if you don’t talk to them on a one-to-one basis, they want you to ask everyone where they’re from. But the British audiences – and rightly so – they just demand, you know, an hour of performing. They don’t wanna hear about themselves, they’ve been in enough tour groups.”
And apparently the audiences aren’t the only things to make a legendary comedian nervous when touring Ireland and Britain.
There’s all those teeny-tiny, Hummer-unfriendly roads to navigate. It’s one sure way to put him off conjuring one-liners.
“I’ve been driving in Scotland and I do not think of jokes while I’m driving in Scotland. I think about staying alive every moment.”
Ireland, he says, is just as bad: “You have, like, two inches on either side of the car before you a) go into the next lane, or, b) run against some farmer’s jagged wall. Even to be a passenger in Ireland is terrifying bcause you’re always looking at jagged rocks coming right at your eye-level every moment.”
Eh, that’s our heritage you’re slagging off there, Emo.
“It’s very beautiful, I’m just saying that it’s better to let a professional drive you around or take the train.”
The train! You see, I told you he was funny.b

Emo Philips plays An Grianan Theatre on July 29, as part of the Smithwicks Comedy On Tap Festival