The Man Don't Give A Puck

GALLIC FOOTBALLERS who've had it jusqu'a ici with Premiership referees might like to consider an alternative career in professional ice hockey.

While their English counterparts see red at the merest hint of a Emmanuel Petit elbow, NHL refs are happy to let $2 million a year players like Buffalo Sabre Rob Ray and New York Ranger Dave Brown half kill each other before dispatching them to the "sin bin" for a breather.

Indeed, these scraps are such an intrinsic part of the game that the hockey equivalent of FourFourTwo, In The Crease, runs a 'Fight Of The Week' column.

"Brown crosschecks Dominik Hasek into his own net, and Ray comes straight off the bench to challenge," reports their man at ringside for the Sabres/Patriot game. "Ray's sweater is off in seconds but no refs dare intrude on this dance. Ray is a man possessed, but Dave Brown is a cagey veteran. They trade thunderous blows until Brown cracks Ray with an upper-cut, re-breaking the jaw that he himself exploded a while back."

Unlike Uriah Rennie, who'd deal with that type of thing by sending the miscreants to the gas chamber, the man in the stripey black and white shirt deemed the appropriate punishment to be a severe finger-wagging.

Boasting, as it does, such a proud tradition of macho thuggery, the hockey world was sickened last month by the antics of a confirmed Guardian reader. Rather than shove a puck up his arse or gouge one of his eyes out with a stick, Michigan K-Wing Mel Angelstad decided to "sort out" Kansas Komet Eric Boguniecki in a manner unbefitting of the 'coolest game on earth'. In The Crease have the sordid details:

"The strange part is how he defeated his opponent - not with a barrage of his infamous haymakers but with a big, wet, sloppy kiss! Boguniecki, who measures in at 5' 8", was suddenly possessed to challenge the 6' 2" Angelstad during a stoppage of play early in

the third period. The Komet asked the K-Wing what he wanted to do, after making a few less-than-flattering remarks about the enforcer's

mug. Angelstad was reluctant to drop 'em,

figuring he'd be taking advantage of

Boguniecki.

'I can't fight little guys', said Angelstad. 'It was just a reaction. I had a hold of his throat. It was either throw a punch or . . .'

"Commence liplock! According to various reports, Angelstad grabbed Boguniecki by the front of his jersey, leaned in and kissed him, square on the lips. The act drew cat calls and whistles from the 5,000-plus in attendance. Boguniecki received two minutes for roughing, while Angelstad picked up two for unsportsmanlike conduct."

You can find out what depths of depravity ice hockey sinks to next by logging on to.

www.inthecrease.com/fight