Justine Stafford - Mad Hatter Q&A: Biggest disappointment? "iPhone battery life"

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
The cashier who, when I was buying alcohol recently, looked at me and said, “Hah, I don’t need to see your ID.” An unnecessary ageist attack.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
The robot from the old series of Winning Streak. I think about him often, where he went and why. I’d love to have him there to get the goss.

Favourite saying?
How could you be well and your arse in two halves?

Favourite record?
(What’s The Story?) Morning Glory – Oasis.

Favourite book?
One More Thing: Stories And Other Stories by BJ Novak.

Favourite film?
The Worst Person In The World.

Favourite author?
Paula Guildea (my mam).

Favourite actor / actress?
Renate Reinsve.

Favourite musician?
Phoebe Bridgers’ new album has really taken a hold of me. I also love Boygenius and Oasis have been a lifelong favourite.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Performing a tumble as a “party piece” for my family at Christmas and farting mid-tumble. My family thought the farting on cue was the party piece..

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
Pepsi Max is everything

TV programme?
The Office is my all-time favourite comfort watch.

Favourite TV personality?
Bob Mortimer. Everything he touches turns to gold. Comedy, writing, fishing. There’s nothing the man can’t instantly inject with humour.

Favourite item of clothing?
I have developed a fleece obsession in the last year, which is likely my first step towards transforming into my mother.

Most desirable date? 
Securing the snug with a pint and a toastie.

Favourite method of relaxation? 
Securing the snug with a pint and toastie

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen? 
I changed my CAO 11 times on the day, flipping between Film and Broadcasting and Home Ec teaching. So I’d likely have given the Home Ec teaching a go.

Biggest thrill?
Seeing a dog hanging his head out a car window.

Biggest disappointment? 
iPhone battery life.

Your concept of heaven?
Dogs. An endless field of dogs.

Your concept of hell?
The song ‘Moves Like Jagger’ by Maroon 5 playing on a loop.

What would be your dying words?
K bye lol xoxo.

Greatest ambition? 
To live a peaceful, happy life.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why? 
I grew up in the ‘90s, and honestly, the nostalgia I still have for that time is immense. I’d nearly like to go back to the ‘90s; pre-internet, eating Tom and Jerry candy cigarettes before they were discontinued.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be? 
A dog. There’s no question about it. The thrill of having someone pick up your shite after you.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
I’d gather those closest to me, corner off a section of the pub, and spend our last hours celebrating our lives and letting people know how much they meant to me. Then I’d probably Irish Goodbye before it gets too awkward.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
Mr. Tayto.

Favourite term of abuse?
Bollox.

Biggest fear?
I’ve grown increasingly afraid of flying over the years. The news story about the Ryanair window smashing mid-flight recently really did not help matters.

Humanity’s most useful invention? 
Headphones. If only more people could use them on public transport.

• The Irish Art Of It’ll Be Grand by Justine Stafford is out now, published by Wildfire.