Talkin’ turkey

Louis Walsh watch out, there's a new Mr. 20% in town! Having enjoyed some serious chart action himself, Dustin The Turkey has decided to go into the Svengali business with Mankind.

Available in all good shops – and a few crap ones too – Fowl Play: The Movie follows Dustin and his charges as they travail the highways and by-ways of Ireland in search of pop immortality.

Dustin being an A-List turkey, he's joined along the way by such household names as Keith Duffy, Neil Morrissey, Kerry McFadden, Niall Quinn, Gerry Ryan, Maxi, Tony Fenton, Gareth O'Callaghan, Eamonn Coughlan and the aforementioned Mr. Walsh.

But enough shameless promotional plugging. The reason we're plonked on one of Windmill Lane's luxurious sofas today is to get Dustin's thoughts on the pop year that was 2002. So, without further ado

Stuart Clark: 2002 will undoubtedly go down as the year of Kiss’n’Tells. As a high profile celebrity, are you worried that someone might dish the dirt on you?

Dustin The Turkey: You haven’t heard the story about me and Dolores O’Riordan in her caravan? I was down in Limerick one weekend and basically Dolores came on to me. We went for a ride on her pony and I stayed the night, but it was separate bunks. Not that she isn’t a bit of a floozy. No Knickers O’Riordan she’s known as in showbiz circles. And justifiably so.

SC: There have also been rumours linking you to Samantha Mumba.

DTT: I can admit to that one. Meself and Samantha have been together for about two months. We started messing about on the shoot for my new video. We’ve been spotted around town in posh restaurants. Abrakebraba and various other places. She’s broke, the poor girl. You’ve probably seen her in various Temple Bar hostelries robbing pints.

SC: As someone who likes their R’n’B rough round the edges, I imagine you’d be a Mis-Teeq fan.

DTT: I would but I don’t want me car robbed either. It’s brand new and on hire purchase. They’re not going to let me off the repayments if it’s nicked.

SC: Have you come across the girls at all?

DTT: Somebody’s been talking to you, haven’t they? No, I haven’t had the pleasure. With any of them. I was meant to meet Destiny’s Child at The Point but they threw wobblers. Didn’t want to be interviewed by a turkey ‘cause it’s undignified or something. I mean, the music industry is full of turkeys starting with Louis Walsh. There are problems but I’m taller than Bono, I’m taller than Chris de Burgh, I’m taller than Enya. People respect me ‘cause they know I can sing, they know I can act.

SC: You’re certainly not a five-minute wonder like Stephen Gately.

DTT: People knock Stephen… no, I won’t go into that. I met him down Abrakebabra the other day. If he gets another couple of years there, I reckon he’ll make assistant manager. That’d be great for him at this point in his career.

SC: Were you shocked by Justin Timberlake’s revelation that Britney is no longer a virgin?

DTT: I knew ‘cause I…, er, well, I’d better not go into that.

SC: With Britney flaunting her boobs and Christina up to goodness knows what in her new video, is pop music getting too steamy for a family audience?

DTT: Your one Christina Agriwhateverhernameis looks like an Afghan Hound to me. Never mind the big MTV do in Barcelona, she ought to be picking awards up at Crufts. Britney, on the other hand, is the girl next door going through that change. You know, the one Ronan Keating failed dismally at. Trying to gain respect and credibility. I wouldn’t mind an old Whitney/Britney sandwich, you know what I mean?

SC: Are you a Kylie man or a Dannii man?

DTT: Kylie. She’s got the rattle and hum, hasn’t she? Only the other day, I was examining her underwear. You know, the range she’s done for Agent Provocateur in Australia. I actually bought a set. Not for meself, you understand, but for Sharon Ni Bheolain. I know she had a kid recently and people are saying, “That’s a beak, not a nose”, but I can tell you categorically, I haven’t seen Sharon Ni Bheolain in nine months, so I’ve absolutely nothing to do with that.

SC: The young ones obviously fall over themselves to get to you, but have you had much experience of older women?

DTT: Given that Twink’s not really a woman, no, I haven’t actually. I’m legally prevented from talking about Andrea Corr but, with me being 2ft 8”, she’s that bit too small. She’s mad into me though and, what, 14 years older.

SC: Are you turkey enough for somebody like Dolores Keane?

DTT: It’d be grand except for the beard rash. I just wouldn’t want to go there, Stuart. Not unless she shaves first.

SC: Sticking with matters of a moral nature, what was your view of Six flashing their bazoomers on the front of Loaded?

DTT: With me binoculars, not bad. No, it was absolutely disgraceful. I said to Sinéad, “I’m not living with you any more if you do that!” Me, her, Sarah and Andy… sorry, the other bird, share a bed. If they’re going to go round showing their bazoomers to every Joe Soap, that’s no good. They’re not my women then.

SC: If it was artistic and tasteful, would you show your privates?

DTT: I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but I did a nude pose for a Christmas turkey recipe in the RTE Guide when I was young and needed the money. I did have a Brussels sprout covering me giblets, though, so it wasn’t The Full Monty. I wouldn’t do it now. It’s cheap and nasty and unless they were offering over €50, I’d tell ’em where to go.

SC: Are you as pleased as we are to see Sinéad O’Connor back in the charts?

DTT: Absolutely. It makes me look good having a wailing old bat going around. No, I actually like Sinéad. She’s good craic but that old sean-nos rubbish sounds like she has constipation sitting on the jacks in Burger King. It’s not really music.

SC: Seeing as the year’s drawing to a close, what are your favourite gigs and records of 2002?

DTT: The best gig I went to has to be Prince. Problem is you couldn’t really see him on stage. Me old boss at The Den, Ray D’Arcy, said “You’ve got to come along and see this guy.” Ray likes Prince because he’s a bit taller than him, and he was right, he was fantastic. The best single has to be The Cheeky Girls. I tell you what, they’ve got some legs on ‘em. They can barely talk English, though. Must be from Roscommon.

SC: Westlife are trying to break America at the moment, but does Bryan have his hands too full with Kerry?

DTT: This isn’t really for me to tell, but she did me video and, well, came on to me quite a bit. I am attractive. I am good looking. I know that. But to make those sort of suggestions, there have to be problems back at the ranch. Beefy Bryan, he’s eating too many pork pies. The lad’s got no talent. He can’t sing, he can’t dance and he’s a million quid in the bank. There’s no justice at all.

SC: I see that the Fowl Play cast includes Niall Quinn. Did you get a chance to ask him about the Roy Keane/Mick McCarthy bust-up?

DTT: Poor Niall was very sick. He put his back out and then he fell over about 10 times during the filming of it. The poor guy’s not at all well. I was actually in Japan for the World Cup with The Den, and I’m telling you the problem wasn’t Roy or Mick, it was Gary Breen. We all dream of a team of Gary Breens – he’s the footballing genius we should be building the team around. If Roy Keane can’t play with Gary Breen, then goodbye you whiny Cork malingerer. Gary Breen is the future of Irish football.