Swear To God

I'M NOT saying that I approve of gratuitous bad language, but fuck me, the ChildCare Action Project really are a sad bunch of bastards.

Based - surprise surprise - in deepest, darkest bible-belt territory, CAP's goal is "to combat influences on the American culture which seem to sway an observer from practising previously embraced wholesome, traditional Christian ethics."

While the likes of Coal Chamber and Marilyn Manson will no doubt be spit-roasted in hell for their sins, most of the Project's wrath is reserved for the inhabitants of that modern day Sodom & Gomorrah, Hollywood.

In a selfless bid to protect us from evil - and anything even vaguely resembling entertainment - our fundamentalist friends subject everything that makes it on to the big screen to the WISDOM test. That's W - Wanton Violence/Crime; I - Impudence/Hate; S - Sex/Homosexuality; D - Drugs/Alcohol; O - Offence To God; and M - Murder/Suicide.

We can't for the life of us work out the subtleties of the marking system, suffice it to say that anything scoring over 3 is the work of Beelzebub himself.

The latest recipient of a thoroughly imperfect '10' is South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut - "an incredibly dangerous movie for those who do not understand or are developing an understanding of the Gospel."

Prey tell us more.

"Satan is portrayed as the homosexual lover of Saddam Hussein and a sensitive, loving and caring being. Hussein waves his disembodied male member around. And it was not a cardboard drawing like most other images of the movie - it was of photographic resolution. The most foul of the foul words was clearly spoken by the children at least 131 times, and many other times in a muffled or garbled way. The three/four letter word vocabulary was used at least 119 times. God's name in vain was used 11 times without the four letter expletive and six times with it.

"These are but a very few of the examples of ignominy in this celluloid developed in the fiery pits of Hell. And the kids in the audience loved it, almost as much as the adults with them. May God have mercy on us."

ChildCare Action Project President, Thomas A. Carter, also has reservations about The Rugrats Movie.

"What kind of developmental statement is made by a dozen or so nursery babies urinating skyward creating a rainbow?," he asks. "To make matters even more questionable, the producer's presented cartoon nudity - a rear view of a toddler without his diaper."

If you'd like to compile a list of your own favourite swear words for Mr. Carter, his e-mail address is

www.capalert.com/#foundation