Rear end celebrations

It’s all fun and games until someone lacerates their arse.
Yup, A&E departments around the country are bracing themselves for the deluge of people who come a cropper at their Christmas office parties.
Concerned for their members’ well-being, the British Trades Union Congress has posted this warning on their www.worksmart.org.uk website:
“If you end up making ‘cheeky’ photocopies, you won’t be exposed to toner or harmful light for long enough to cause harm, but you may well find yourself spending the rest of the evening face down in casualty, having shards of glass removed from your bottom. Photocopiers simply aren’t designed to be robust enough to take any kind of weight, even if yours has managed to withstand a lot of rough treatment and kicks all year.”
They go on to quote a Canon service engineer who complains that, “I had to repair a machine with a photocopy of a man’s groin jammed in it. The manager suggested an office identity parade to see who we could charge for the call-out charge.”
Your rear end can still have a good time this Yule courtesy of the Snowman Spanking Paddle – “a beautifully made leather spanker decorated with little gems and a cute little carrot nose” – that’s available from www.passiononline.co.uk.
The same site also has a delightful pair of fluffy Santa handcuffs.
Having sold-out of their limited edition Turkey & Gravy drink last year, the Jones Soda Co. has added Smoked Salmon Paté, Corn On The Cob, Broccoli Casserole and Pecan Pie to its range of festive flavours. You can order their “Just Like Mom Used To Make” selection-box from www.jonessoda.com.
From there it’s but a mere mouse-click to www.beerfordogs.com, which has come up with a special beef flavoured brew for Rover. Those crazy Americans!
Should any of you find yourself in Sweden over Christmas, make sure to try lutefisk, a local festive dish made thusly: “Saw 1kg of dried fish into suitably sized pieces. Put in to a tub of water for eight days. Add caustic soda. When the fish is completely luted, it will be swollen and you should be able to put a finger through it.”
Yum.
Forget Tony Christie and The Crazy Frog, the song that should be top of the Christmas charts is the one featured at http://www.goodiebag.tv/odds/proper_words_song.mov
Written for an educational kids TV show, it includes such memorable couplets as: “Penis is what boys have down in front/Penis is the word though it seems blunt/All boys have a penis/So no matter what you’ve heard, penis is the proper word.”
Which just leaves for visits to www.landoverbaptist.org (“God’s Top 20 Holiday Gigts To Buy For Unsaved People”); abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=local&id=3661759 (neo-Nazi holiday ornaments?)