I have some homework for you. Instead of watching Eastenders or heaven forbid, The Late Late Show, I want you to watch the adverts. I mean, really scrutinise and analyse them. Then tell me how many of those ads use sex to sell their product.
I’d bet my granny that at least three quarters of them contain some sort of sexual content. Something that makes you sit up straight and go, “Ooh, did she just wipe the end of that gravy boat with her finger and then lick it off suggestively?” Or, “Wow… I’d really like to eat that chocolate biscuit off his buns of steel.”
Sex sells everything from soft drinks to softening fabric conditioners. It’s turning the advertising world into a soft porn industry. Turning sex into a commodity.
This, in turn, is breeding a generation of neurotics. Last year I had a conversation with a man from the United States who had so far gathered 250,000 signatures on a petition that implored his government to ban breastfeeding because he felt it was improper to stick such a sexual object into a hungry infant’s mouth.
I asked him if he thought it was improper to stick such a sexual object into a starving Third World infant’s mouth. An infant that has no source of food other than what his mother’s malnourished body can provide. He didn’t reply.
So in the fact of a nuclear explosion of sexual innuendoes and the resulting fallout of increased sexual awareness, why do Irish people sell themselves short when it comes (no pun intended) to sexual matters?
It’s guilt. Good old fashioned Catholic Guilt and the lesser known Sexual Performance Guilt (also known as Reading Too Many Women’s Magazines Guilt). It doesn’t matter which altar you worship at; sex is going to be an issue.
Catholic Guilt: Don’t have sex before you get married. Sexual Performance Guilt: Don’t fall asleep until your girlfriend has had at least three mind-blowing orgasms. Catholic Guilt: Masturbation is almost as much of a sin as killing a human being. Sexual Performance Guilt: You’re not worthy of your man’s love unless you own 17 different sets of matching underwear and a wardrobe full of leather gear including a full bondage kit. You get what I mean.
It’s time for people to shed these unrealistic ideas. Healthy consensual sex includes the above but not all the time. It lets you deposit lots of credit at the self-esteem bank. It expresses your love for someone if you’re in a relationship and shows your pulling-power if you’re single.
There are so many hang-ups and worries about how sex always has to be meaningful and earth-shattering and three hours long. I blame Sting. And his wife.
Really, whether you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, a single free-agent, or somewhere in between, it’s whatever works for you. And if it doesn’t work, try something else. I’ve heard Tantric Sex is good. Just ask Sting.