JOKING IN THE BOYS' ROOMS

EVERY COMEDIAN I know can vividly remember losing their comedic virginity, a fact which never ceases to amaze me. Why? Because a sizeable proportion of the stand-up comics of my acquaintance openly confess to having been rip-roaring drunk when they first lurched tentatively into the spotlight. It's hardly surprising - risking total humiliation in front of a room-full of complete strangers is understandably unnerving, so where better to obtain the necessary bottle than at the bar?
English thirtysomething Donna McPhail is no exception, although when she tottered on stage for her first gig 13 years ago, it was because some friends goaded her into it during the interval.
"I was completely pissed," she laughs, recalling the momentous occasion. "I had been in a theatre group and we were in a comedy club, when somebody said 'Why don't you go up and do that monologue thing from the show?'. I was drunk enough to think that this was an incredibly good idea and luckily, I went up and it worked really well.
"Of course I died after that first time, as you do, but when you die in front of a whole load of people and they hate you, it's not something you want to do again. I mean, there's only so much humiliation one person can take, y'know. I think if I had died that first day I would never, ever have done stand-up again."
Having squared up to the Grin Reaper and come up trumps, Donna went on to make a name for herself as a comedic force to be reckoned with in the ensuing decade. Now, she languishes comfortably in the upper echelons of her male-dominated profession, thanks to her quirky worldview, trademark lightning-fast spiel and the most deliciously filthy hoarse laugh you've ever heard. It can't have been easy, though, as a woman, em, turning tricks in the boys' rooms.
"It's very difficult for women to make the breakthrough in comedy," she concurs. "I think a lot of that is the industry's fault. I think actually, secretly, they don't want that many female comedians. They've got the tall, thin one; the fat, old one and the lesbian one and I think that suits them fine. So they don't really seem to be giving women the opportunities to stick with it.
"I was lucky in the '80s because all this PC nonsense was to the fore, and clubs had to be seen to be giving women a chance and thus they put them on the bill to be seen to be supportive. Now they don't bother to do that, so a lot of young female comics don't get the opportunity to go on stage at places like The Comedy Store, die on their arse, figure out why it happened and then learn how not to do it next time they play a big venue like that.
"Every comedian has to have experience of every kind of venue and every kind of comedy club, and the big ones can be very difficult and very scary. The school of thought when it comes to women playing in places like this seems to be 'Oh, she's not ready to play here yet'. The reality is that you're never ready to play a big venue until you've played it. You either sink or swim and that's it. Part of the skill of learning to be a stand-up is learning how to get yourself out of a situation where you're about to die."
FOOTBALL GAGS
So did Donna spend years being the token woman on comedy bills around the circuit?
"Yeah, I did. I still do, to a certain extent, because female comedians are still thin on the ground today. It's funny, actually, the women on the circuit aren't really that friendly with each other because we never see each other. There are rarely, if ever, two women on the same bill. I'd be much more friendly with the men because they're the only ones I ever meet when I'm working. I mean, I get calls from venues going 'Can you play on August 18th?', and then they go, 'Actually, no, we'd better make it a different night because we already have a woman down for that night'. I find myself going 'Well, call me crazy, but have you ever thought of having two women on the same night?'.
To which the response is?
Donna laughs: "The response is generally 'Eh . . . no'. The irony is that the same venue would quite happily have four men on week after week after week. I know people complain that women talk about the same things all the time, but that's no more true than men talking about the same thing all the time."
Surely Jo Brand, a female comic who is anything but thin on the ground, goes a bit overboard?
"I suppose," Donna giggles. "But the thing is that Jo Brand does have some brilliant material, but she does like her security blanket of the cake and the size. But people sort of think that she's more of a traditional feminist comic whereas I'm more of a post-feminist. We actually argue about that . . . it's great (laughs).
"But I tend to talk about the same things all the time but it's important for me to know that everyone in the audience, both men and women, know what I'm talking about as well. I don't want to do material where the women relate to it and the men are just learning. That's why I do football gags and stuff like that as well. I love talking about football actually, because men tend to laugh and then go 'Hold on a minute! She's a girl and she said something funny about football! That can't be right'."
Does Donna believe all men to be Neanderthal?
"Nah! I hate doing gigs where there are too many women and not enough men because you need a good mix of an audience in order to get the best out of your material and your performance. So no, I have no problem with men at all . . . bless them. Bless their cotton socks (laughs)."
BUNCH OF WANKERS
Although she talks a good game, Donna is cautiously (and justifiably) pessimistic about Eng-er-land's chances of success in the World Cup. And this is before their 0-0 draw with mighty Saudi Arabia at the weekend.
"I don't see that we've got much chance really," she muses. "I really think that the way we're playing at the moment we might get knocked out after the first round."
An event which would be accompanied by much weeping and gnashing of teeth in pubs the length and breadth of Ireland, obviously.
"I just don't think the team's quite got it together at the moment, so I'm afraid you're not going to get any 'Up the English!' jingoism from me . . . you bunch of wankers (laughs)!"
After 13 long years behind the mic, Donna admits that she's starting to feel her age. She's currently doing some radio work and a bit of script editing, extra-curricular activities which are wreaking havoc with her comedic lifestyle.
"It's doing my fucking head in actually, because I'm so used to working at night-time that having to get up during the day to go and do a radio programme or something has really knocked me for six. But I am sort of trying to do less stand-up and do more work at other stuff because I'm getting a bit long in the tooth for driving up and down the motorway all the time.
"I'm getting on a bit, y'know. When I started I could do six hours in the car, a one-and-a-half hour gig and then get up the next day. I'm getting a bit old for that sort of carry-on now, though."
No stranger to Kilkenny, Donna returns this year for the Murphy's Cat Laughs Festival. Winding up the interview, I ask her to name three things in the Marble City.
"Name three things? In Kilkenny? Mmm . . . hotel . . . venue . . . bar. (laughs) That's Kilkenny, isn't it? Leave your hotel, go to your venue and then into a bar."
Fine, in theory. But it certainly won't get the dishes washed or the floor scrubbed! n
* Donna McPhail (with Warren Hutcherson) plays the Murphy's Cat Laughs Comedy Festival in Kilkenny. (Clubhouse, 9.15pm, Sat 30th/Sun 31st May)