Hick digs scars

Gentlemen, feeling fat, ugly and socially inept? Well, fret not because compared to the saddo at www.wifeodyssey.com you’re the biggest hunka hunka burning love to ever walk the planet.

“I put this page together in the hope that some very lucky, lovely lady out there will want to be my wife,” says the bespectacled middle-American in question. “I asked professional matchmakers, but they all wanted too much money and they wouldn’t handle my special request anyway.”

Special request, eh? This wouldn’t have anything to do with glass-topped coffee tables, would it?

“My ideal lady must be left-handed, left-handed, left-handed. I just don’t have any chemistry with right-handed women because they don’t know what it’s like.”

There’s more.

“Here’s where it gets interesting. My ideal lady has a nice sleek, flat little chest and a nicely rounded poochy tummy. She doesn’t wear jewelry or make-up or vandalise her body with tattoos. Though appendix scars on poochy female tummies are very appealing.”

He then, shock horror, reveals that he’s, “a virgin and would appreciate it if my future wife is to. Because she understands that there has to be lots and lots of love before there can be any possibility of sex. I won’t kiss anyone on the mouth, so don’t ask. And don’t even mention oral sex to me.”

Girls, form an orderly queue.

Which leads us seamlessly – but not semen-lessly – to www.jackinworld.com, a site which poses that most indelicate of questions – what’s the strangest place you’ve ever masturbated in?

It’s a bit of a toss up – sorry, couldn’t resist it – but our favourite is the 25-year-old who “jacked off through a knot hole in the fence into a neighbour’s yard. It was very exciting with a touch of danger. I wasn’t sure if they had a dog, or if anyone was home who would come outside to see me.”

Sir, we’d shake your hand but, well…

Not only are Mogwai musical geniuses, but they make exceedingly fine t-shirts. The 100% cotton jobbies available from www.abandcalledmogwai.com come emblazoned with such wondrous slogans as “Bush: Is A Cunt”, “Blair: Is A Pie” and – best of all – “Blur: Are Shite.”

“The t-shirt says it all and nothing they’ve done since the introduction of these shirts in 1999 has proven otherwise,” reads the sales blurb.

Which just leaves us with time for quick visits to www.loc.gov/rr/scitech/harley100 (100 years of the Harley); www.8ung.at/nina_m (what does N*E*R*D stand for and other moniker-related questions answered); and www.japanesestreets.com (Oriental eye candy of the highest order).

Enjoy!