Caught In The Net: Schlong for Europe

As if Brian Kennedy warbling his way through ‘Every Song Is A Cry For Love' isn’t a frightening enough prospect, Eurovision viewers are to be subjected to a full-on death metal assault by Finnish entrants Lordi.
Presumably seeking revenge for being voted last on eight occasions, the Finns have forgone the usual “la-la-la” and “bing-bong-bang”–ing in favour of an amps-on-666 rocker called ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’.
Hailing from Arctic Lapland, the quintet have routinely had their shows picketed by religious sorts who object to their blood-spurting chainsaw guitars and blowing up of animal carcasses.
“Finns nearly choked on their cereal when they realised we were the face Finland would be showing to the world,” chuckles the fright-masked leader of the band, Mr. Lordi. “We are bringing rock credibility to the Eurovision Song Contest. I always said that it doesn’t matter where you perform. If you do a good painting, it should look the same whether it’s on the wall of a museum or on the wall of your toilet.”
You can watch the Finnish TV performance that got them the Eurovision nod at www.youtube.com, and generally find out more about the band at www.lordi.org.
From there it’s but a mere mouse-click to Flavors Of Love, which has details of the new reality TV show starring former Public Enemy man and clock enthusiast Flavor Flav. With six million Americans tuning in every week, Flavors Of Love is the most watched programme in VH1 history and arrives here during the summer.
“20 single women from all walks of life, selected for their expressed love of Flav, will move into a ‘phat crib’ in Los Angeles, and vie for his attention,” explains the site. “With help and advice from Big Rick, his gigantic bodyguard and chauffeur, Flav will date all of the women, weed out the ones who are only after his fame and fortune, and in the end will choose his one true love.”
Sticking with music, and Caught In The Net is counting down the minutes until Liam Lanson’s cinematic celebration of Leonard Cohen hits the big screen. U2, Rufus Wainwright, Nick Cave, Beth Orton and a Johnson-less Antony are among those covering his songs in I’m Your Man, which gets the preview treatment at www.leonardcohenimyourman.com.
The, if you will, rockumentary’s best aside is Lennie remarking: “My reputation as a ladies’ man was a joke and caused me to laugh bitterly through the 10,000 nights I spent alone.”
Which just leaves time for visits to www.thezutons.co.uk/clickpinball (Fab scallydelic pinball game); www.youtube.com (The White Stripes in Coca-Cola sell-out shocker!); and www.myspace.com/britishwhale (Justin Hawkins’ Hun-bashing World Cup song).