Caught in the net: Cock and ball story

We all know that heavy metal’s a serious business but, for Beelzebub’s sake, why do they make themselves look like such prize eejits in their promo photos?
Having severely tested Caught In The Net’s continence with their original list, the www.ruthlessreviews.com crew are back with ‘The Other Top 10 Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics’.
Despite stiff competition from the likes of Vulture Lord, Handful Of Hate and Carpathian Forest, the deserving winners are Odin-worshipping Norwegians Taake.
“This photo encapsulates the best of what black metal has given us over the years,” proffer the judges. “The poor guy’s cock ‘n’ balls ripped through his pants, yet in the true spirit of evil he kept on rockin’. And why shouldn’t he? Forget the spikes and chains because your cock is as metal as it gets.”
If it’s gentler rock ‘n’ roll pursuits you’re after, c_hirata.ld.infoseek.co.jp/pastor/omake.html demonstrates how to make your own paper drum-kit. Some may consider this to be the preserve of sad weirdos who’ve nothing better to do with their worthless time, but we reckon it’s rather sweet.
From there it’s but a mere mouse-click to www.brianzahnd.com where the Senior Pastor of the World Of Life Church, Saint Joseph, Missouri delivers a sermon based on, er, a song by The Guggenheim Grotto.
“I don’t know anything about them except that they are a new three-piece band from Ireland,” says Pastor Zahnd. “But their song ‘Philosophia’ caught my ear.”
The snazzy-suited Man of God then goes on to quote such inspirational couplets as: “But in time a thought comes tugging on the sleeve edge of our minds/Perhaps no perfect way exists at all, just many different kinds/Oh but if it’s just a thing of taste then everything unwinds/For without an absolute how can the absolute define/A work of art, oh to be a work of art.”
As flattered as they are by the big up, the Grotties have no further plans to tap into the lucrative Christian rock market. Which just leaves time for quick visits to www.amazon.com (your own portable resuscitation unit); www.eamonreilly.com (The Rolling Stones as you really haven’t seen them before); and www.whodigs.com (yo-ing and ho-ing Xbox 360 game preview).