I Don't Wanna Know Your Name

“In the last week, I’ve had sex once. I tell myself that it’s quality not quantity that counts, right? But I can’t shake the nagging feeling that when it comes to sex, more is more, and that’s exactly what I’d like. Not necessarily every day, mind you – I’m not greedy – but two or three times a week would be perfect.

“I wonder if I’d have more sex if I felt more comfortable trying new things. Sure I can talk about sex with my partner, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty I feel a little self-conscious. What if I get it wrong? I just couldn’t face that.
“The last time I popped into Boots I considered buying a cock ring – it’s amazing what they sell in there these days. I thought, you know, I’d give it a go just to try something new, but Jesus! I just couldn’t manage. The closer I got to the check out, the more embarrassed I got too. I had to put it back. It was bad enough buying the damn condoms. But at least I did buy them this time.
“Are my friends having better or more sex than me? I’d like to know, but I don’t feel right about asking them. Nope, it would be awkward. Granted, not as bad as asking my brother or sister for their opinions, and definitely not as bad as talking to the parents, but still, I don’t fancy the idea. Besides, chances are they’d be embarrassed too, and that’s the last thing you want – everyone mumbling into their pints and turning red. Best to keep quiet, I think.
“Despite this, I am feeling pretty chuffed with myself. They say everything in life comes down to timing and this week I managed to have an orgasm between the headlines and the weather. Woo hoo! So I’m (sort of) well informed and (sort of) satisfied too! All in all, life’s not too shabby…”

That, dear HP readers, is a pretty good evocation of the average Irish sex life. Average being the operative word – not awful, but not awfully exciting either. In the run up to this year’s National Condom Week (6 to 12 October), Durex surveyed Irish people about their sexual attitudes and experiences and found that, in some ways sex – Irish style – leaves a lot to be desired.
First the good news – most of us are fairly happy with our sex lives. One in three Irish people claims to be getting all the sex they want and say they are very satisfied. Lucky them. The rest of us aren’t doing too badly though. Forty percent of us are fairly satisfied, which means that in total, an impressive 71 percent of Irish people have decent sex lives.
We obviously enjoy the sex we’re having because by far our biggest complaint is we’re not getting enough. One in ten of us have sex every day – presumably they’re okay – but most Irish people have sex just once a week. Ideally we’d like to do it every couple of days, although a fifth of us think sex once a day would be good, and almost as many say once a week is enough for them, thanks all the same. That’s a curious dichotomy in itself.
Most Irish people enjoy sex and want more, but that doesn’t mean we all do. Around 4.5 percent of us say that sex is painful and 6 percent don’t enjoy it at all. In addition, another 13 percent of us would be happier with a little less sex. I know… weird or what? They complain they get too much or that sex lasts too long.
How long sex lasts is another contentious issue. Too little and you feel short-changed; too much and you end up with friction burn. It’s a delicate balancing act and from the figures it appears many of us are out of kilter. For 7 percent of us, sex takes less than five minutes! I’m all in favour of a quickie now and again, but c’mon, that’s ridiculous! You can’t have sex in less time than it takes to make a decent cup of tea! Just under ten minutes does the job for 14 percent of us, while on the other end of the scale, 15 percent of us keep going for an hour and a half. Most Irish people – 40 percent – clock in somewhere between ten and twenty minutes.
With figures like these I’m surprised so many of us are fairly happy with our sex lives. Sex therapists agree that most of the time, women need around twenty minutes of foreplay to reach orgasm. Furthermore a recent study by American and Canadian sex therapists found that in the most satisfactory sex, penetration lasts between seven and thirteen minutes. Add those figures together and sex should take you half an hour at least.
While we mightn’t take our time in bed, quite a few of us take our time getting there – a remarkable 20 percent of Irish people wait until they are in love before having sex. We’re not all that fussy though – 35 percent of us are happy to have sex with casual partners or with someone we’ve met earlier that evening. In fact, 17 percent of Irish men and 4 percent of Irish women are willing to get down to it before they know even their partner’s name!

If we have a flaw, it’s that Irish people are all talk and no action. Although the overwhelming majority of us – 94 percent – are happy to talk to our partners about sex, nearly two thirds of us still feel inhibited once we’re actually in bed with them. The same amount of us would be too embarrassed to buy a cock ring and 20 percent of us blush whenever we buy condoms or a pregnancy test.
Other than to our partners, talking about sex is still fraught with embarrassment for many of us. Just under a third of us don’t fancy chatting to our friends about sex, and over a third of Irish people don’t want to spill the beans to their siblings either. Unsurprisingly, around three out of four Irish people don’t want to talk about sex with their parents. But that’s probably because we don’t want to hear about their experiences!
Obviously, being National Condom Week, Durex were interested to find out how and how often we protect ourselves from sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies. The results ain’t good. Just over half of us – 52 percent – always use protection, and 26 percent never use any protection at all. Condoms are the most popular form of contraception, followed by the pill.
Knowledge doesn’t translate into behaviour. We are not ignorant about the risk of STIs and only 6% of Irish people think that the pill, patch or injection also protects against disease. The survey found that most common excuses for not using a condom were, “It spoils the moment”; “My partner doesn’t like it” and “I forgot!”
This laissez-faire attitude means many of us are playing Russian roulette with our sexual health. Here is a sobering statistic from Mary O’Shea of the Dublin AIDS Alliance: “Newly diagnosed HIV infections increased by 7.4% in Ireland in 2007 compared to the 2006 figures. Of the 362 newly diagnosed cases 146 were heterosexually acquired. Figures for sexually transmitted infections remain highest in the 20-29 years age group.”
If the survey results tell us one thing for certain it’s this: that while Irish people would like to be having more sex, we need to be having safer sex. Don’t be an idiot, be an adult. Use a condom. And give it longer than five minutes. Sex deserves better, and so do you.