Usually when I can't sleep, it means that depression has reared its ugly head in my life again. Sometimes it is a minor relapse because I haven't been looking after my wellbeing, but every now and again it can be more sinister. I get severe headaches that paracetamol fail to cure, anxiety in my chest and tears at the back of my eyes, as I lie in my bed staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, with a train of thought going 100 miles per hour. Thinking, questioning and wondering about everything in my life.

Spells in counselling and constant personal development over the last seven years have significantly increased my resilience and self-awareness, but still those waves of insomnia are often when I feel most vulnerable. The very rare number of suicidal thoughts my brain still produces usually arrive when the whole country is sleeping, my meditation attempts have failed, and I am left frustrated that I can't process my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I've learned to understand that when I struggle to sleep, something within me is usually off-balance. I am carrying too much pressure on my shoulders, or have deviated from the values, lifestyle and people that have helped transform my life from the one that was gripped by depression in my early twenties.

I try to see my spells of insomnia as those big flashing lights on the side of the motorway that urge us to slow down. I am grateful for the ability to recognise the warning signs and to remember that I have the tools - and the people - to help me navigate this bump in the road.

Now We're Talking 2019
A partnership between Lyons Tea, Pieta House & Hot Press.
Let’s break the stigma and take the dialogue about mental health issues onto a new level
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