Tommy Tiernan – basted not wasted

One of Ireland’s most gifted stand-ups Tommy Tiernan’s stage-show consists of observational humour mixed with childhood and adolescent reminiscences as well as tales so outlandishly unusual and far-fetched that they can only be true. Those who buy his Live! video or DVD, released for the Christmas market, can expect to be regaled with accounts of hyper-active children at Fanta-fueled parties, the hysterical and unnervingly evocative story of Tiernan’s first female-assisted orgasm and an account of a polythene-eating Aran Island donkey that might have come from the pen of Flann O’Brien. He’s also back with a band new live show which visits Dublin’s Vicar St. in November.

The beauty of his shows is that despite the unlikely if original subject matter Tiernan’s unfailing honesty and genuine affability carry the audience along and the faithful will find
themselves laughing uncontrollably one minute while cringing with embarrassment the next.

However, some might ask is Tiernan all he seems? Not us, you understand, but some. This is a man, after all, who so scandalised a Late Late Show audience with a routine about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ that the RTE switchboard actually melted due to the amount of complaining calls by viewers. Obviously he’s doing something right then. We invited some of his fans on hotpress.com to submit questions to the great man in an effort to discover the ‘real’ Tommy Tiernan. As it turned out, we probably should’ve just interviewed him, though the man himself thanks you for your “interesting” questions.

I joined hotpress.com to meet cute girls but nobody replies to my posts. Can you give me some cyber-pulling tips?
::: ivegotgrabs
“The name, it’s all in the name. Whether it’s Martha or Dennis, choose something pertinent. But be aware that there are no cute girls in cyber space, it’s just a load of blokes pretending…”

As a happily married man how do you cope with groupies?
::: johnboy
“I let my wife sleep with them.”

Have you ever taken drugs, and if so which ones?
::: oliveoil
“I’ve taken many. Mainly for hayfever and headaches, though. It’s the ones you take for boredom that’ll kill ya.”

Did you really take a dump in a wardrobe in a posh hotel?
::: pidgeon
“Two out of three ain’t bad…”

Who’s your favourite Irish band?
::: edgesplectrum
“He’s not a band but I like Mundy.”

I saw you in a pub once but I was too shy to say hello. Should I have?
::: lorelei
“Was I weeping or eating? I miss you already and we haven’t even met…”

Do you think you’re funnier than Dylan Moran?
::: navanman
“Was Salieri funnier than Mozart?”

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer! What's the fastest car you’ve ever sneered?
::: davemanning
“A Volkswagen on its way to Dundalk, 500 miles an hour, those were the days my friend...”

Which Hanna-Barbera cartoon character do you most identify with?
::: hairbear
“None really, though more often than not I feel like the postman in the Cadbury’s caramel ad.”

Did you really walk all the way around Ireland on Supertramp or did you hop in a limo full of cocaine and Assets’ models as soon as the camera was turned off?
::: mamaroach
“I walked most of it, cycled a little and hitched a little too. I’d like to live on a mountain with a big beard and a glad heart. Any advice?”

Did you think you looked sexy in the priest’s clothes in Fr. Ted?
::: bishophiphop
“I looked shy. I wanted to become a priest when I was a kid ’cos I heard that the priests in Dangan, a local monastery near Navan had a nuclear bunker with a snooker table in it. Wouldn’t that be the life? Surviving a post-apocalyptic nuclear winter under the earth by eating beans and shooting balls. Suits me.”

Since you trained as an actor is there any stage or film part you’d still have an ambition to play?
::: rayburkesbrief
“One of the tramps in Waiting For Godot. Failing that, Blackie Connors in Glenroe – The Movie.”

Since Irish comedians are so good, why is RTE’s comedy output so dismal?
::: cyberplunk
“It’s because good Irish comedians aren’t writing for RTE.”

When’s the last time you went to a doctor and what was wrong with you?
::: downwithhotpress
“I went to have an injection in my bottom ’cos I couldn’t stop sneezing.”

What’s your favourite novel and will you ever write a book?
::: val
“The best novel I read recently was The Comedy Writer by Peter Farrelly. He’s one of the guys behind the Farrelly brothers’ movies. It’s brilliant. I have the first draft of a novel upstairs in the attic… Someday maybe I’ll finish it.”

Is it cool being famous?
::: peter.s
“Fame is other people.”

Do people expect you to be funny offstage and does it piss you off?
::: kellyer
“People look at me and smile, and that’s OK. I mean, it’s unnerving sometimes but it’s OK.”

Boxers or Y-fronts?
::: claire
“Old boxer-shorts.”

Beer or spirits?
::: claire
“Porter and whiskey.”

Woman-on-top or Commes Chien?
::: claire
“I’m getting horny now. I hope Claire is your real name and not Alan or Finbar. We could get together, under a bridge in Westport. I’ll bring a flask and a bottle of brandy.”