The Self-Righteous Brother

TAIWAN . . . THEY just adore it in Taiwan, gushed Chris De Burgh on Channel 4 s Top 10 Hits: Love Songs recently, seemingly oblivious to the irony of his most celebrated strains being particularly revered in a land notorious for the mass production of worthless tat. You can just picture the poor bastards now: rushing home from the sweatshop where they ve just spent 18 hours assembling imitation Barbies with small removable parts, cracking open a cold one and kicking back their collective heels to Lady In Red . Free of their shackles for another day, the unofficial ninth best love song of all time is their unchained melody.
The system used by the makers of Top Ten Hits to decide on the 10 greatest love songs ever made was dubious in the extreme; not so much foolproof as proof positive of the foolishness of vast swathes of the record buying public. Based entirely on record sales, these slow-set standards were judged by the deceptively precise LWA gauge, a system of measurement invariably favoured by those whose life s work is justifying the existence of bad records.
For the benefit of readers who have never had the pleasure of engaging Ireland s best known musical svengali in vociferous debate over the artistic validity of his entire roster, the Louis Walsh Approach to excellence in the field of musicianship is based exclusively on appearances in the charts, number of weeks spent in the charts and number of weeks spent at No. 1. Small wonder then, that names like Mariah Carey, Bryan Adams and Robson & Jerome surfaced with depressing inevitability at the business end of proceedings. (But how refreshingly ironic that Ronan Keating was conspicuous by his absence.)
From the outset, the potential for pious, po-faced pontification in the ensuing 90-minute documentary was frightening. Nevertheless, throughout the show, assorted backroom boys, critics and a selection of the artists involved reminisced fondly with tongues almost unanimously firmly in cheek on the origins of the songs and their subsequent effect on the public consciousness.
There was the Walrus of Love, Barry White, describing the time he woke up one morning aged 14, spoke to his mother and frightened the hell out of both of us. There was the story of the woman sent to prison for driving her neighbours bonkers by loudly playing Whitney s I Will Always Love You around the clock. There was the critic who hilariously described Michael Bolton as a man who used to sport two haircuts simultaneously, both of them bad. There was former Commodore Lionel Richie, who surely endeared himself to millions by describing his cheesy smash Hello as some no-brainer love song.
There was Marti Pellow, who bluntly stated that he empathised with Joe Bloggs on the street because, after 14 weeks at No. 1, Wet Wet Wet s cover of Love Is All Around Us was becoming painful, even for him. And, of course, there was Chris, a man who confessed to penning a syrupy symphony to his wife, before conveniently changing his mind around the same time he was exposed as a philandering cad.
It isn t about anyone, he opined unconvincingly. It s just a song.
But what a song. You can t be a prophet in your own country, Joe Strummer had mused in the previous week s punk parade, and Chris seemed to agree, embarking as he did on a long-winded, self-eulogy that took in the furthest flung corners of the globe: Every year it s [ Lady In Red ] one of the top 20 most played songs on American radio . . . China, Russia . . . he declared breezily with the air of a man teasing out a sufficient length of rope with which to hang himself. Maybe they don t even know what it s about, but there s a mood of feeling about it that really sucks them in.
You said it, boyo.
It got worse: The Lady In Red has become a world-wide standard . . . it involves people in a dream, perhaps . . . I think what happens is, it s musical foreplay . . . it seems to transport people to a different place.
The lavatory, perhaps? Amazingly enough, yes: It s amazing how many guys come up to me, generally in men s toilets, and say God, I wish I d written that song .
Then, the stunning coup de grace from the man other men in toilets call God: She [Diane, his wife] was wearing red that night and she looked stunning. I was just back from London where I d been making a record, and I saw her across the room and it was one of those Oh, I wonder who that girl is? Oh my God, it s my wife! things. It sounds like a real romantic story, but that part is definitely true.
And, in case you d forgotten, so is this part: It isn t about anyone, it s just a song.

Getting your wires crossed

Or, What Chris Said versus
What Chris Meant To Say

WHAT CHRIS SAID
Maybe they don t even know what it s about, but there s a mood of feeling about it that really sucks them in.
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
Maybe they don t even know what it s about, but there s a mood of feeling about it that really sucks.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
Lady In Red seems to transport people to a different place.
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
If you re trying to clear a room, you could do worse than whack Lady In Red on the stereo with amps on 11.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
You try talking to people, you ask them what it is they like about it and they say I don t speak English .
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
You try talking to people, you ask them what it is they like about it and they pretend they can t speak English.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
It s amazing how many guys come up to me, generally in men s toilets, and say: God, I wish I d written that song.
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
It s amazing how many guys come up to me, generally in men s toilets.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
I performed the song all over the world in very unusual locales.
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
I performed the song all over the world, generally in men s toilets.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
Obviously sound carries for miles in the still air of the [South African] bush, and to think that not only humans were hearing this, but wild animals must have been pricking up their ears going What on earth is that? .
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
Even elephants hate me.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
People have voted Lady In Red the song that ladies most like to make love to.
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
People in China who have never heard Massive Attack s Blue Lines and feel privileged to be allowed vote on anything have voted Lady In Red the song that ladies most like to make love to.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
If you want to be like Chris De Burgh you re gonna have to learn to take a couple of bevvies.
WHAT CHRIS MEANT TO SAY
If you want to be like Chris De Burgh you ve already had a couple of bevvies.

WHAT CHRIS SAID
She was wearing red that night and she looked stunning. I saw her across the room and it was one of those Oh, I wonder who that girl is? Oh my God, it s my wife! moments.
WHAT CHRIS ALSO SAID
It wasn t for anyone, it was just a song.

THOSE TOP TEN LOVE SONGS IN FULL

1. Unchained Melody
Jimmy Young, Liberace, The Righteous Brothers, Leo Sayer, Robson & Jerome
Seven chart appearances, 96 weeks in the charts, 14 weeks at No. 1.

2. Love Is All Around
The Troggs, Wet Wet Wet
Two chart appearances, 51 weeks in the charts, 15 weeks at No. 1

3. Without You
Harry Nilsson, Mariah Carey
Two chart appearances, 46 weeks in the charts, 9 weeks at No. 1

4. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You
Bryan Adams
Two chart appearances, 31 weeks in the charts, 16 weeks at No. 1

5. I Will Always Love You
Dolly Parton, Whitney Houston
Two chart appearances, 36 weeks in the charts, 10 weeks at No.1

6. When A Man Loves A Woman
Percy Sledge, Michael Bolton
Three chart appearances, 36 weeks in the charts, 3 weeks at No. 1
7. Hello
Lionel Richie
One chart appearance, 15 weeks in the charts, 6 weeks at No. 1

8. Nothing Compares 2 U
Sinead O Connor, Prince
Two chart appearances, 15 weeks in the charts, 4 weeks at No. 1

9. Lady In Red
Chris De Burgh
One chart appearance, 15 weeks in the charts, 3 weeks at No. 1

10. Barry White
You re The First, The Last, My Everything
One chart appearance, 14 weeks in the charts, 2 weeks at No. 1