The oval orifice

Grand Slam ahoy! Yes, all roads lead to Lansdowne Road for the rugger of all battles against England – assuming, of course that we beat Wales and Blighty beats Scotland and, I mean, really, when was the last time sport ever delivered an upset? So now that rugby is, momentarily, the new soccer, we thought it might be useful to acquaint readers with some of the cherished lore of the oval game. For more of this sort of thing, we recommend John Scally’s hugely entertaining Sporting Foot And Mouth published by Blackwater Press.

1. “Moss Keane and Willie Duggan read that alcohol was bad for you – so they gave up reading” – A Lions reunion dinner story

2. “It was a good match which could have gone either way and very nearly did” – RTE commentator Jim Sherwin

3. “Every time I went to tackle him, Horrocks went one way, Taylor the other, and all I got was the bloody hyphen” – Mick English on Phil Horrocks-Taylor

4. “They call Brian, God. If he keeps playing like he has been, in time God will be very flattered by the comparison” – Ollie Campbell on Brian O’Driscoll

5. “Sure if it was not for the fags I’d be offside all day long” – Willie Duggan when asked if smoking affected his fitness

6. Moss Keane’s mother during his international debut: “Poor Moss might break a leg.” Moss’s father: “He might, but it wouldn’t be his own.”

7. “I never got capped for Ireland but I got kneecapped for Castle Island” – Con Houlihan on an old rugby injury

8. “Neath is the bag-snatching capital of Wales” – Australian coach Bob Dwyer complaining about the Welsh club players’ penchant for grabbing opponents by the balls

9. Mick Doyle: “My book is 20 per cent rugby and 80 per cent pornography”. Charles J. Haughey: “You got the balance just right”

10. “I played rugby once. Then I discovered you had to run with the ball so I gave it up”
– Garret Fitzgerald