The Oscars

Friday 8th March

Arrive in LA. My mate Richie Baneham picks me up in his 1964 Buick Riviera. A monster 7 litre solid steel greenhouse effect on wheels. I feel like a true American.

Sunday 10th March

Richie and Brian Woods (Irish Animator in LA) bring me snowboarding. It will take me a full week to regain proper use of my limbs. What sadist invented this as fun? The mantra of LA is you can ski and go sunbathing in the same day. Broken bones and skin cancer? No thanks.

Monday 11th March

Head up to the Nominees Luncheon, not sure what to expect. Might be a few stars. Who knows? Standing in the queue to get in. There’s Jennifer Connolly in front of me. Looks like she could do with a few burgers. Head in and nearly trip over Ridley Scott. They’re all here. It said ‘Informal Dress’ on the invite but everyone’s dolled up. I’m feeling out of place in my jeans with my first time nomination. I’m introduced to the woman who did the voice of Smurphette (she’s a governor of the Academy) and she tells me she’s half Irish and she loved …Sins. People are really gushing about the film. I never expected anyone outside Ireland to understand a word of it. I can only assume they think it’s about something else.

I’m sitting beside a fella called Christopher Knowles and he’s nominated for two Oscars – Sound Editing for Lord Of The Rings and Sound Effects for Pearl Harbour. Nice chap, I ask him is this his first nomination and he tells me no, he won for Titanic a few years ago. What am I doing here? Russell Crowe arrives late, scowling, with a couple of minders. They also scowl.

We’re all called up for the Class photo. I’m walking up beside John Voight. He leans over and shakes my hand telling me I should be proud to be nominated. I take a look around me and there’s Denzel Washington behind me with Ethan Hawke beside him and behind them are Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Connelly. I look to my left and there’s David Lynch. What’s he doing here? I thought he would be the kind of chap who would avoid these events but he seems to be having as much craic as the rest of them.

Everyone is really relaxed. There’s no media at the event so I guess they all feel they can chill out. Will Smith is like the class messer, constantly shouting and spinning wisecracks. At one stage he picks John Voight up and spins him around the room.

After the Lunch I meet John Lassiter owner of Pixar animation (Toy Story, Monsters Inc, etc.) Worth two and a half billion and he’s still a sound guy. Tells me that when he was at his first Oscars when Toy Story was nominated for something, he got out of his limo to a hoard of photographers. One of them turned to the pack and announced, “Don’t worry about it. It’s nobody!” I know what to expect now.

I grab Marisa Tomeii on my way out and take my picture with her. As we’re standing there she drops her camera and it goes off taking a paparazzo’s dream shot right up her skirt. It’s nice to know they’ve all brought their disposable cameras along with them and are having as much fun star spotting as I am.

Tuesday 12th March

Visit Disney Animation Studios and get the grand tour from Brian Woods. The most striking thing is the amount of tame squirrels running around the place that will literally eat food out of your hand. It’s too nice. The rest of the time is taken up organising hotels and limos. Takes ages. When you mention you’re nominated you can hear them genuflecting on the other end of the phone.

Wednesday 13th March

Visit Warner Bros Feature Animation, where Richie is supervising animator, and get a sneak peek at the new Scooby Doo Feature, work in progress. Apparently all references to Shaggy being a dope head and Phelma being a lesbian are being removed from the film. Back to Dublin.

Thursday 14th to Thursday 21st March

I come home as Cathal heads off. He’s got a packed week in Hollywood meeting the press, agents, producers and studios. The interest arising from an Oscar nomination is huge in LA. Everyone wants to meet you. Even Drew Barrymore’s agent has called looking for a copy of the film.

Friday 22nd March

Set off to LA again. This time with Brian Gilmore from Brown Bag and my girlfriend Chaoilfhionn with me. I do a phone interview from Dublin Airport with Marian Finucane, which includes Cathal over in LA. Marian tells us good luck in representing our country at the Oscars. I hang up all chuffed and check in to be told that the plane is overbooked and they won’t let us on the plane. I have a canary! Normally I’m fairly relaxed but after Marian wishing us luck representing our country and then to be told by Aer Lingus that there is no room for us on their airplane brought me crashing down to earth with a resounding bang. After screaming and shouting at everyone they agree to let us on the plane in a stressed and sweating condition. National airline my arse!

We eventually arrive in LA and check in to our hotel on Sunset Boulevard. Tonight there is a gathering of 30 plus people in the trendy bar of the hotel. The Irish have landed. The poor bar staff don’t know what hit them. The moaning about the price of the beer and “the feckers still expect a tip on top of it” can be heard all the way out on the street.

Saturday 23rd March

Drinks reception at the Standard Hotel a few blocks from where we’re staying. We arrive and try to find the reception. Rumour has it that George Clooney and Mickey Rourke drink here but when we arrive it’s only populated by animators. We are sitting on a white shagpile carpet where you aren’t allowed to order dark drinks. Seriously. Later we head to the Chocolate Oscars organised for all of the Animation nominees. The whole idea is that the night before the Oscars everyone is a winner and receives a chocolate Oscar each. People in LA really don’t know how to party. Everything is air kisses and mineral water.

Sunday 24th March – Oscar Day

BBC send around a limo to pick up myself and Cathal to bring us to rooftop interview. Hot day. They want us to wear our tuxes for the interview. We sweat. We’re introduced to a guy called Lee Daniels, producer of Monsters Ball. When he finds out we’re from Ireland he tells us “I’m making my next movie in Ireland!” It’s about a black girl who joins the IRA’. Sounds intriguing. Then Samantha Mumba comes in. Lee is interested. “Hey man, who’s that?

She’s hot!” I tell Lee she’s from Ireland. “Hey man, I didn’t know Irish chicks look like that!”

Between takes, myself and Cathal sit in the shade with two of the Hobbits from The Lord Of The Rings and a fellow called Mathew Marsden who used to be in Coronation Street and had a part in Black Hawk Down. I find out later he’s also a failed pop star. Billy Boyd (Hobbit) tells us that his hotel is across the way from a porno studio so he’s spending all his time looking out the window. We discuss weird fans and he tells us he was e-mailed a video of a girl squeezing her boobs and saying that if he got her tickets to the Lord Of The Rings premiere she and her sister would sleep with him. The perks of being semi-famous I suppose.

We arrive back at the hotel and start to get nervous. The girls are an hour and a half late getting back from the hairdressers. Tensions are high. We were anticipating an hour long delay in the limo queue but in the end we get there in about fifteen minutes. Enya sent us a bottle of champagne (thanks Enya) and we didn’t even have time to open it. The mood lifts on the way to the show when we see Gwyneth Paltrow in the jeep beside us. I give her a wave and she waves back until she realises she doesn’t know who the hell I am.

The vast majority of people lining the street seem to have ‘You are doomed to Hell unless you Repent NOW!’ Placards. I tell God I’ll repent after the Oscars if he just lets us win it! We look up and see sharp shooters on the roof. The red carpet is surreal. Stars all round milling for their place in front of the photographers while everyone else is gruffly herded inside.

The ceremony is long. Robert Redford is seated about ten feet away from us. I look to the other side and see Ted Turner and Rupert Murdoch within spitting distance of each other (neither of them spat though). At the adbreaks we keep ringing home. Our seats are about twelve rows from the front yet no one can see us. They must have digitally replaced us with beautiful people. Woody Allen arrives which (for me) is the highlight of the show as well as the performance by Cirque du Soleil.

Shrek wins the best feature category. Then it’s our turn. Our names are called out by yer one from Mullholland Drive. Our stomachs clench. Cathal’s name is mispronounced. For The Birds wins the short animation Oscar. Cathal and Darragh scowl. Halle wins and bawls. Nicole scowls. Denzel wins. Russell scowls.

At the Governor’s Ball Cathal gets in a row with Harvey Weinstein from Miramax over sitting in each others seats. Cathal wins. That New York scut is no match for a man from the Navan Road.

I meet Christopher Knowles who sat beside me at the Nominees lunch. He won an Oscar on the night for Pearl Harbour. He says he loved Give Up Yer Aul Sins and he’d love to work with us sometime. I can contact him anytime at ‘Skywalker ranch’. Christopher probably doesn’t realise that having a five-minute chat with him would probably use up the entire budget of our film but he lets me hold his Oscar, so I don’t let on. On the way out I realise I’m standing beside Halle Berry and her party. I say well done and she thanks me. We turn the corner to a sea of insane fans screaming her name. I’m tired. I want to go to bed.

Monday 25th March – Friday 29th March

The rest of the trip was a relaxation. Cathal headed off for Vegas. I went out to stay in Glendale with friends. Did all the usual bits like Universal Studios, etc. People have asked were we disappointed but the truthful answer is no. It’s such a cliché but it is just great to be nominated. And as for the Oscars themselves they were great fun but at the end of the day it’s only showbusiness!