The Big Heat

With summer almost upon us what better way to avoid the sunshine and bikini related diets than by taking refuge down the back of a nice cool darkened cinema. Happily, this season is a little less sequel-a-go-go than has been the case in previous event heavy summers, although shoppers in residence from Forbidden Planet and Sub City can look forward to George Lucas' Star Wars encore (?) Revenge Of The Sith.
Naturally, there's plenty of comic book offerings, including Batman Begins and The Fantastic Four, which promise to be a little more exhilarating than recent wannabe franchises like Constantine. Around these parts, we're particularly giddy about Sin City. The involvement of Messrs. Miller, Rodriguez and Tarantino make it a sure fire bet, and the bleached noir stylings of the trailer are suitably spectacular. You can also bet your shirt on Stephen Chow's splendid Kung Fu Hustle; even better than last year's Shaolin Soccer, it promises to secure Mr. Chow's burgeoning reputation in America and Europe.
Those keen on recycling will undoubtedly be cheered by The Dukes Of Hazzard making it to the big screen after all these years, with Jessica "The Brain" Simpson donning those tattered denim hot pants.
If of course, you're on the hunt for something a little more cerebral, might bwe suggest Greg Araki's Mysterious Skin and Todd Solondz's fantastically distempered Palindromes. Who needs beach balls and sun cream, eh? See you when the weather turns and the nights get longer.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
Directed by Tim Burton. Starring Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, Helena Bonham Carter. Opens July 29th. Budget: $100,000,000 (estimated)
The trailer for this Tim Burton remake looks fab, though we all remain haunted by his re-imagining of Stop The Planet Of The Apes, I Wanna Get Off. Happily, his old cohort Mr. Depp is onboard as Willy Wonka, but while the Great Johnny’s blinding-white dentures and top-hat combo seem suitably freaky, can he possibly hope to send as many infants scuttling behind the couch as Gene Wilder once did? Freddie Highmore, last seen being precociously brilliant in Finding Neverland, essays the lucky kid with unlimited opportunities to shove his face full of sweets, and the distinguished ensemble cast includes Mrs. Burton aka Helena Bonham Carter, Christopher Lee, David Kelly and Noah Taylor. Promises to be a yummy confection.

Batman Begins
Directed by Christopher Nolan. Starring Christian Bale, Cillian Murphy, Liam Neeson, Katie Holmes, Gary Oldman. Opens June 24th. Budget: $135,000,000 (estimated)
Will the bat suit have nipples again? Will Cillian Murphy make a better Bat-enemy than Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, duh. For fans of the franchise months of internet speculation will finally come to a happy end when Christian Bale, a rather classy choice for the role, gets all wrapped up in a PVC cape this June. Those still receiving post-Batman & Robin trauma counselling, meanwhile, will be cheered by the involvement of Memento director Christopher Nolan. His take on the pointy-eared hero promises to be darker and edgier, and while we’ve all heard this line before, his track-record is unquestionably promising. Others taking the Batmobile ride include Liam Neeson as Bale’s Tibetan dojo, Gary Oldman as, well, Gary Oldman and Katie Holmes as the chick trying to get past the codpiece.

Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge Of The Sith
Directed by George Lucas. Starring Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson. Opens May 19th Budget: $115,000,000 (estimated)
Get out your action figures. Can Sith make amends for the lacklustre Attack Of The Clones and the atrocious Phantom Menace? Well, if the new trilogy came in with a whimper, hopefully Anakin’s (Hayden Christensen) crossover to the Dark Side will ensure the franchise goes out with a bang. The presence of the clone army, led by the evil General Grevious, promises plenty of battle-sequences, but will George Lucas rediscover his magical touch? Even if he doesn’t, he can always take comfort in the piles of money that Sith, good or bad, will undoubtedly rake in.

War Of The Worlds
Directed by Steven Speilberg. Starring Tom Cruise, Tim Robbins, Justin Chatwin, Dakota Fanning. Opens July 8th. Budget: $128,000,000 (estimated).
Prepare for bombardment. This is as blockbuster as they come. Spielberg updates H.G. Wells’ invader classic to make room for a modern American setting and the collective box-office might of Tom Cruise, Tim Robbins and Dakota Fanning. Forget the intergalactic bonding sessions of ET and Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, this time it’s personal, with Tom Cruise dodging $218 million’s worth of special effects to keep his family from being zapped. Spielberg himself has promised that the aliens will be hideously badass and the death-rays look, well, to die for. Always with the space aliens, Steven, eh?

Kingdom Of Heaven
Directed by Ridley Scott. Starring Orlando Bloom, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson. Opens May 6th. Budget: $130,000,000 (estimated)
Will it be the new Gladiator or the new White Squall? Sir Ridley of Scott swaps togas for chain mail as he takes on the Holy Wars with impeccable timing. With a weighty cast - including Orlando Bloom, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson, Liam Neeson and Ed Norton - there hardly seems any need for all that armour. Expect plenty of politically correct chin-stroking in the press as the Christians get proto-medieval on the swarthy gentlemen’s arses.

The Fantastic Four
Directed by Tim Story. Starring Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans. Opens July 22nd
With super-powers of invisibility, elasticity, strength and fire-starting, The Fantastic Four have always seemed too, well, fantastic to make the transition from ‘60s comic book to cinema. It’s going to be a tough task following The Incredibles, but a sequence wherein the scampish Ioan Gruffudd’s Mr. Fantastic stretches the length of Brooklyn Bridge promises to be mind-blowing. Or extremely painful looking. Let’s hope it’s the former, but either way sounds like good entertainment to us. Besides, The Thing gets to say, “It’s clobbering time”. Twice!

Mr And Mrs Smith
Directed by Doug Liman. Starring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Angela Bassett, William Fichtner. Opens June 17th
Already notorious as the film where Brad cried on Angelina’s shoulder (hmm, a likely story), this impossibly high concept flick sees married assassins attempting to kill one another. Even without Brad’s recently received decree absolute, few would doubt that this pairing will blaze across the screen. If we listen closely enough, do you think we’ll be able to hear Jen’s teeth grating in the background?

Sin City
Directed by Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez. Starring Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Clive Owen. Budget: $45,500,000 (estimated)
It’s almost upon us and we’re just quaking with excitement. It’s taken several million years to bring Frank Miller’s magnificently debauched graphic novel to your local cinema screen, and with the hyper-stylised stencils of director Robert Rodriguez and Miller himself, plus segments from guest director Quentin Tarantino, Sin City is the summer’s most mouth-watering prospect. Even the presence of professional airheads, Brittany Murphy and Jessica Alba couldn’t possibly detract from our viewing pleasure. Will this be the movie that makes Bruce Willis cool again?
June 3rd

Kung-Fu Hustle
Directed by Stephen Chow. Starring Stephen Chow, Wah Yuen, Qin Yuen, Kwok Kuen Chan. Opens June 3rd
Wowie Zowie. Stephen Chow’s follow-up to Shaolin Soccer is an insanely entertaining, raucously hilarious instant chop-socky classic. No film this summer can hope to compete with Kung-Fu Hustle’s arse-kicking adrenaline, axe-wielding maniacs or terrifying fishwives. All this and a Road Runner homage, barmy dance sequences and the single biggest secret martial-arts move you’ve ever seen.

The Dukes Of Hazzard
A casting issue has plagued this long-threatened project for years; how could prospective producers hope to find any actress dumb enough to convince as good-time Southern gal, Daisy Dukes? The Answer? Jessica Simpson will be donning the frayed hot-pants. The Academy holds its breath. August 26th

Because Of Winn Dixie
Wayne Wang directs this sentimental soap about a little girl and her fluffy dog. Aw, someone out there expects this to do the business up against the new Steven Spielberg/Tom Cruise collaboration. We wish them well, but it sounds to us like new money for Old Yeller. August 5th

Dark Water
So we re all bummed by the Ring 2, but there’s hope for the Hollywoodised J-horror yet. This remake of the superb Hideo Nakata chiller sees the Oscar adorned Jennifer Connelly battling ghosts and rising damp in a spooky apartment. Where’s an exorcist-plumber when you need one? August 19th

The Island
Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson are doomed clones on the run in this futuristic thriller from Michael “Mr Bombastic” Bay. Will it be better than Pearl Harbor? Well, obviously. Expect many bangs and crashes, but hopefully not so many as to drown out Scarlett’s patented huskiness. August 12th

Fever Pitch 2005
Transplanted to the US, Nick Hornby’s boy’s own classic now has no room for Colin Firth or, indeed, Arsenal. The bad news is that Jimmy Fallon, last seen annoying mass audiences in Taxi, takes the lead in this Farrelly brother venture. We knew they were really just big-hearted saps ever since the fish-hook scene in There’s Something About Mary. August 8th

Herbie: Fully Loaded
Everyone was hoping that Herbie’s return from the scrap yard would entail a riff on Christine or Duel, wherein the Volkswagon would get in touch with its Nazi past and go on the rampage. Alas no. It is, however, Lindsay Lohan’s second film as a legal prospect so don’t be surprised to see the raincoated Nine Songs brigade out in force. August 12th

The Jacket
Psycho-thriller, qu'est que c'est? John Maybury’s enigmatic amnesiac time-travelling drama sees Adrien Brody and Keira Knightley on the hunt for a killer and some sanity. The closest thing to David Fincher since - jeez, when did he last make a film again? May 13th

The League Of Gentlemen's Apocalypse
Many will be intrigued by the mix of grotesquery and fin de siecle offered by The League’s big screen debut, especially as Mark Gatiss has promised a movie that collides Blood On Satan’s Claw with Bambi. Well, the curious will just have to stay that way. This is a local film for local people. June 3rd

Millions
With Britain about to join the Euro, two young ragamuffins have precious little time to spend the millions of pounds they’ve found in a bag. Danny Boyle’s much heralded comedy also features chattering saintly apparitions - a much more likely prospect it must be said than the UK surrendering its pound. May 27th

Monster In Law
There’s a characteristically enlightened joke from Bernard Manning’s repertoire about the Chinese pictogram for trouble representing two women under the same roof. Expect similarly hilarious gender observations in this rom-com which pitches J-Lo against Jane Fonda. Our money is on the Janester, but we really can’t guess which of the dames is the titular monster. May 13th

The Trouble With Sex
Ditching Chardonnay for triple vodka scuds, Renee essays a spiky, sensual anti-Bridget Jones in this contemporary Dublin-set relationship comedy. May 26th

Mysterious Skin
Greg Araki, the enfant terrible, the self-styled Living End of Queer Cinema returns with this affecting tale of two teenage boys who forge a connection through a shared childhood trauma. An interesting post-Buffy project choice for Michelle Trachtenberg, who shows up as a wayward school-chum. May 27th

Palindromes
Todd Solondz’s finest film yet is a fantastically scathing attack on American Christian fundamentalism, liberal dogma and just about everything in between. Hell, even blind albino kids aren’t safe from the director’s grimly hilarious equal opportunity bashing. May 6th

Romance And Cigarettes
James Gandolfini and Kate Winslet star in this hotly anticipated musical. No, you read it right the first time, it’s a musical. Expect, erm, well, we’re not really sure. August

Stealth
Jamie Foxx's first post-Oscar outing is basically The Hunt For Red October relocated to the high-flying world of stealth bombers. Expect lots of special effects and loop-the-loops. August 5th

The Wedding Crashers
Chug-a-lug in salute to the kings of frat-comedy. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson play the eponymous losers who show up uninvited at weddings in order to score more girls. Let’s all hope it’s this year’s Dodgeball, not this year’s Old School. July 15th

Dig!
Fabulous rock-doc charting the fearsome ego battles between rival bands The Dandy Warhols and indie also-rans The Brian Jonestown Massacre. The epic tantrums and mainlining misadventures are jaw-droppingly compelling, but it’s the petty jealously that really makes the film rock ‘n’ roll. Keep an eye out for the Dandy's Dublin pitstop and an unforgettable scene where BJM front man, Anton Newcombe, gets belligerent enough on stage to make Mark E. Smith look like Daniel O’Donnell. And you thought Metallica had problems. July 1st