READ EM AND WEEP

Not so much red as crimson-topped, David Sullivan s tabloid has been banned since the 80s on the spurious grounds that it s actually a jazz mag. Actually, forget the spurious bit. While The Sun and The Star have moderated their nipple count in recent years, the May 18th edition of The Sport boasts 125 of the beauties. An eat as much as you can buffet of Bristols, it sends an average 85,675 Britons off to work every morning with a smile on their face, and something thoroughly unpleasant in their trousers.
That said, we wouldn t want you thinking that they re anything less than diligent in their reporting of current affairs. Puff pieces on Sierra Leone and Northern Ireland? Nope, giving it to you straight, The Sport leads with Killed By Giant Sex Toy: Jury Inspect 18 Inch Murder Weapon.
A massive dildo was shown to a jury during a murder trial yesterday, reads their world sexclusive. Joseph Geibel is accused of killing tourist Sheri Lynn Jett with the 18-inch sex toy during a drunken all-night NOOKIE session. Prosecutors are seeking a first degree murder conviction for the former maintenance man. They say he raped and murdered the 39-year-old by pushing the sex-toy through her colon.
To lend the story extra gravitas, there s an accompanying picture of a 34D-24-35 blonde dressed as a schoolgirl.
Here s a sight that will have every bloke recalling his kiss and gropes behind the school bike shed. It s SIZZLING cover girl Alison Amberley who has gone back to school as a NAUGHTY St. Trinian s schoolgirl.
Wanting their readers to get their full 35p s worth, The Sport USES CAPITALS TO EMPHASISE ALL THE JUICY BITS. Thusly, we re told that foreign footballers are nicking our sexiest BIRDS!
Deon Burton The Jamaican international can t get into the Derby County team but can get into BED with a whole host of babes. The striker who BONKED stunna Paula Joy on his bare floorboards, is currently going out with Spice Girl Mel B s kid sister Danielle. Allegedly.
Pausing briefly to admire their page 12 Pornalike As we ve been talking about Posh Spice, here s a pic of her double indulging in a spot of birthday tonsil tennis it s on to their entertainment section which is dominated by an ad for, Pammy and Tommy s explicit homemade porn video.
For just #14.95 (plus #2.05 p&p), you can watch:
Pammy wrapping those beautiful lips around Tommy s huge T-Bone
Tommy going down on Pammy s beautiful shaven peach
Pammy performing full oral sex on Tommy in their car by the side of the highway
Hot loud climax scenes and heavy bonking
This is all overshadowed, though, by the revelation that, Sick Toffs Catapulted Chickens.
Hard, nay, impossible as it is to believe, Callous toffs are coping with a shortage of grouse this season by shooting CHICKENS catapulted from clay pigeon traps. Their faces contorted with hatred for all things feathered, the port-soaked snoots and spivvy businessmen take aim and spew lead on squawking hens.
No wonder they gave Shaun Ryder a job as a columnist.