Old Hayden’s Almanac 2005

JANUARY
One of the kids in EMI’s successful Give Up Your Oul Sins recordings claims he’s made so much money in royalties that he wants to develop a solo career... Philip King launches his new reality TV traditional Irish music talent show on TG4 under the name Diddly Idol... A new BCI survey reveals that a local radio station plays more Irish music during its commercial breaks than it does during its entire programme schedule... Bertie “the red” Ahern quits Fianna Fail to form the Marxist-Leninist Trotskyite Provisional Socialist Republican Party... An aerial suicide bomber tries to attack Dublin but the attempt fails when he is impaled on the Spike... Gardai training at Templemore will in future include special amnesia lessons to prepare them for patrolling legitimate street demonstrations... Underwater basket-weaving and Feng Shui are the latest sports to be added to the next Olympic Games in Beijing... Following the success of the ring-tones chart, the PPI introduce charts for door-chimes, cash registers and ice-cream vendors... Westlife’s new “Rat Pack” image scores them a major part in a new TV commercial for Rentokill rat poison... Sinead O’Connor takes a double-page ad in the Jewish Chronicle to announce that she’s giving up music for good to become a rabbi... A helpline is set up after The Frames announce they are splitting up... Brian Kennedy goes on the Late Late Show to explain that when he publicly attacked fans who went to the toilet during his performance he was really only taking the piss... A new law means that nobody can write poetry in Ireland without a license...

FEBRUARY
Today FM’s Michael McMullen scoops the voice-over job for the new Linguaphone-How To Speak Dart course... John Bowman denies he’s related to Jeffrey Archer... hotpress announces plan to publish Ireland’s first oral sex column, to be sponsored by Fyffe bananas... Minister Mary Harney announces a new points system to discourage people from using the health service... Dr Ian Paisley is to move to Hollywood to take the lead role in the remake of the film Dr No... Michelle Smith comes out of retirement to front the government’s new “say no to drugs” campaign... Bertie ‘the Red’ Ahern apologises for claiming he was a socialist, claiming he meant to say he was a socialite... The Irish Music Industry fights back against declining sales of CDs by giving away free newspapers with new releases... The Arts Council publish another report... According to the latest census, there are now more singer-songwriters in Ireland than the total population. Taking its cue from the Farming sector, plans are afoot at EU level to introduce a quota system whereby some songwriters will be paid not to write a specific number of songs per year... Michael Flatley rumoured to be romantically linked with Andrea Corr... Aslan reissue ‘Crazy World’... New laws forbid the wearing of moustaches on the Luas... After a Planning Authority secretary spills coffee on the plans, the new Dublin airport will now be sited 25 miles east of the city... Ray Burke gets his own radio programme on Oliver Barry’s new radio station Mountjoy FM... Colin Farrell to play the part of Liam Lawlor in the film adaptation and remake of Barabbas...
MARCH
As part of Ireland’s first ever traffic sponsorship deal with the AA, the Red Cow Roundabout will henceforth be known as the Red Bull Roundabout... The Pope arrives at Knock Airport on route to Mayo to canonise Beverley Cooper-Flynn in a special ceremony on Croagh Patrick... His visit sparks off protests from the ISPCA who denounce St Patrick for his cruelty to snakes and demand the Catholic Church make massive payments to animal charities... Under the guise of preventing Internet child porn activity, the Government introduces a plan to license all computer terminals... Sylvester Stallone arrives in Ireland to play the part of Padraig Pearse in the Hollywood blockbuster version of The Easter Rising. Danny de Vito will play James Connolly and Julia Roberts will represent the love interest as Eamon de Valera... Sports-minded Irish schoolkids keen on swimming and horse-riding are to be provided with self-testing drugs kits... Gavin Friday joins the Musicians Union, negotiates a 4-day week and changes his name to Gavin Thursday... The reclusive Enya announces plans to fulfil a lifelong ambition to explore the East. House prices in Dalkey soar as a result... Kinnegad residents are outraged to find that the new Luas line to Kildare will bypass them... The Good Friday Agreement is in jeopardy when DUP deputy leader Peter Robinson claims that Cork-City of Culture is a contradiction in terms... Meanwhile The Taoiseach apologises to the Dail for apologising to Ian Paisley who in turn apologises to his own party for accepting The Taoiseach’s apology...

APRIL
In a major shift in programming policy, TV3 unveils its new reality tv D-I-Y series, Watching Paint Dry... Ryanair draw up innovative plans to impose surcharges on overweight passengers on the basis that they increase the fuel consumption on planes... The FAI appoint its fifth Managing Director since Easter... The Thrills are granted American citizenship... The success of Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ sparks a series of sequels, The Return of The Christ, Son Of Christ and Spiderman v The Son of The Christ... In a complete reversal of normal practice, several members of the public are reported to have stolen money from a bank... DJ Kay-Ree turns his back on his lucrative hurling career as his new single enters the Dance charts... In a major music radio innovation, RTE DJ John Kelly spends an entire edition of his Mystery Train programme reminiscing, giggling, telling jokes, generally arseing about and playing no music whatsoever... Environment experts claim that Kylie Minogue’s performance at The Point contributed significantly to global warming... Ireland’s notorious Dancing Priest lands a major role in Riverdance... Liam Lawlor is to be made a freeman of Lucan...

MAY
Thanks to a bizarre typing error, RTE announce plans to run another series of Bachelors Wank... The Northern political scene is shocked after Ian Paisley says something nice about somebody, following which he is immediately rushed to hospital... The BCI grants a license to the first Irish radio station to introduce a quota guaranteeing to play 30% international records. A spokesman for Bog FM claims that the move was made on the basis that many acts overseas are now making records as good as those by Irish artists... Having done her bit of propagandising for the Catholic Church, Ombudsman Emily O’Reilly tiptoes back to her office... Jack Lukeman is signed up for the lead role for the remake of the film of Frederick Forsythe’s novel The Day Of The Jack L... The Pope arrives in Donegal for the canonisation of Daniel O’Donnell. He arrives just in time to have a cup of tea served by Mrs Doyle from Father Ted... Rodrigo y Gabriella break with tradition and confound their fans by playing a slow tune... On account of a substantial shortage on the labour market, there are now plans to reintroduce the ban on contraception... Bono denies the rumour that he is in line to take over the role of Secretary-General of the UN from Kofi Annan, claiming that he can’t type and isn’t very good at answering the phone unless it’s George Bush calling... In the remake of The Addams Family, the part of Gerry will be played by an actor... Bewley’s in Grafton Street in Dublin is to be turned into a café selling proper coffee and edible food...

JUNE
Mary Harney has expressed great delight in her new post as Minister For Foreign Affairs, as it will give her many more opportunities to open Irish off-licenses for friends all over Europe... The Government plans to attack Ireland’s obesity problem by taxing everyone who is overweight... A new clinic specifically aimed at those addicted to passive smoking opens in Galway... Pigeon Racing is the latest sport to be hit by a major international drug scandal... TV companies in the USA turn down the opportunity to re-broadcast the Daniel O’Donnell television series because its producers didn’t provide the canned laughter track in time... The Cranberries release a new live album called The Cranberries Jam which includes a version of ‘Crazy World’ performed with Aslan... The election of the new Pope will be decided on a phone vote to the new reality TV programme Pope Idol... Limerick University are to introduce a new course in Westlife Studies incorporating the Louis Walsh Chair of Pop Psychology... Ryanair publicise their new policy of banning passengers from all their flights. “The public are a nuisance,” claims Michael O’Leary, “looking for seats and all that trivial stuff distracts us from our main task of taking as much money as possible from them. This will give Aer Lingus a good poke in the eye.” Contributions flood in for the Cliff Richard Disaster Record appeal, but still nobody wants to buy it... Sting joins The Bees... Louis Walsh announces the details for the Boyzone Reunion Tour but adds that none of the original line-up are good enough to take part...

JULY
The finest minds in the world, plus Willie O’Dea TD, gather in Listowel to tackle Ireland’s drug problem... Anuna commence their recording of an all-vocal version of Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells... An American tourist writes to the Irish Times complaining that all the people in Clones do not look alike at all at all... The Bees split after two key members join The Hives... A national newspaper strike brings RTE radio programmes to a standstill... Music Industry insiders now reckon that all the iPods bought last Christmas are already out-of-date and need to be replaced by the new Super Mega Ultra Hyper CD-pod which downloads music from vinyl albums and uploads it onto cassettes... In an effort to raise more taxes, the Government decrees that in future all musicians must have a license before playing in public... Priests and bishops who are regularly complaining about media treatment of the Catholic Church are told to “offer it up”... Argentina qualify for the All-Ireland Hurling Final... The Progressive Democrats campaign for the introduction of Identity Numbers which they want carved on the foreheads of all citizens... An Evening Herald headline promises “Major Crackdown On Crime” for the fifth time this year... Ireland fail to qualify for the Eurovision Song Contest and will have to make do with the EUFA Cup instead... The Labour Party promise that if they are elected to office they will introduce a levy on golf balls... Something Happens win millions in a plagiarism suit against U2 and their single ‘Vertigo’... The Streets top the charts with a spoken version of The Rules of The Road... Dana makes a showbiz comeback with a duet with Eminem...

AUGUST
The Government’s new Fás scheme for rock musicians will be called The Jimi Hendrix Work Experience... There are now 57 varieties of the Irish Independent published every day in a myriad of shapes, sizes and flavours to suit every taste... Tremendous excitement greets the launch of the first fusion of Irish trad and American hip-hop spearheaded by a new band to be called Wu Tang Clannad... Customers all over Europe are refusing to buy sets of Waterford Crystal until the glasses are tested for performance-enhancing drugs... Asked to explain his coming out as a Marxist-Leninist, Bertie “the red” Ahern explains that he was always a fan of both the Marx Brothers and John Lennon... After a survey shows that since only 30% of road accidents involve drunk drivers, the Government launch a new campaign to keep sober drivers off the roads... A long-time reader of The Examiner claims the paper used to be better when it was made out of Cork... Comedian Tommy Tiernan teams up with Mel Gibson for the new crucifixion film Carry On Up Calvary... The Department of Health warns the Irish public that it is no longer to be outdoors since the smoking ban... Prime Minister Tony Blair visits the UK... Major uproar after it’s discovered that the Dublin Port Tunnel isn’t wide enough to accommodate Seamus Brennan’s ego...
SEPTEMBER
The latest Government Tribunal, set up to look into the issuing of radio licenses, will be chaired by Judge Judy... An eminent psychologist claims that watching Lord Of The Rings DVDs can be hobbit-forming... Irish Government officials are concerned that new English language requirements introduced into British law will affect our Taoiseach’s next visit to London... Aidan Walsh is appointed the new head of The Abbey Theatre... After a visit to the Vatican, Tony Blair is caught in an outbreak of speaking in tongues, most of them forked... The newly-appointed Irish Minister For Bad Health introduces a ban on belching in pubs... Pressure mounts for a European-wide referendum to decide if the EU wants Britain to remain in the union. It will be held to coincide with a similar vote asking the British electorate if they want to retain the link with Northern Ireland... Portmarknock Golf Club agrees to allow women members provided men will be allowed to play Camogie... Meanwhile, the Wicklow Women’s Gaelic Football team qualify to compete in the men’s All-Ireland...

OCTOBER
A US spaceship lands on Mars as part of the US government’s ongoing search for Saddam Hussein’s Weapons Of Mass Destruction... Ben Dunne is to publish his autobiography which will be called Socks and Drugs and Rock’n’Roll... The Pope announces plans to canonise Mel Gibson... 2FM’s Ryan Tubridy issues his new album of Nursery Rhyme Favourites... Osama Bin Laden is finally captured. He had apparently been hiding out as a newsreader on Sky TV’s Irish news service... Following the recent down-sizing of the Government, John O’Donoghue is now Minister for Sport, Tourism, Art, Culture, the Islands, the Irish Language, Telegraph Poles, Fisheries, Chip Vans and Taxi Licensing... Major successes are predicted for the new Lough Derg Diet television series and the new I’m A Catholic Priest, Get Me Out Of Here show... Aslan record a new version of ‘Crazy World’ for the victims of the Tsunami in Asia... Billy Connolly is captured by Iraqi dissidents and beheaded live on TV in front of a specially-invited audience... Graham Norton starts work on his title role in the camp remake of the Rambo films... Dana offers herself as a candidate for the Presidency of Zambia, Prime Minister of Venezuela, the leadership of the Sendera Luminosa party in Peru, the Lord Mayor race in Shanghai and the captaincy of the Tuam bridge club...

NOVEMBER
Bertie Ahern, having bought his way back into the leadership of the party, officially opens the new Fianna Fail wing of Mountjoy Jail... TV3 introduce Crop Idol, their new reality programme to find the best farmer in Ireland, a man their publicity claims must be “outstanding in his own field”... The Minister For Photo Opportunities and Cheap Publicity opens the first clinic dealing with the withdrawal symptoms suffered by passive smokers since the smoking ban was introduced... The committee lobbying for the Olympics to be held in London in 2012 offer to include Fox-Hunting as one of the key events... The glut of singer-songwriters in Ireland has lead to a worldwide shortage of guitars... Ian Paisley joins Van Morrison for a re-recording of the album No Guru, No Method, No Teacher, No Surrender... The new television series of You’re A Star returns under the new title I’m A Songwriter, Get Me Out Of Here... The Irish government is in a stew over public reaction to plans to have the next election decided by telephone votes... George Bush, claiming the Teheran government must be responsible for a spell of particularly bad weather because God told him so, invades Iran... Aslan re-record a new version of ‘Crazy World’ as their response to a bad shower in Mayo that left most of the fields wet for nearly a whole weekend... Brian Kennedy agrees to do a tour of toilets all over Ireland... As a new generation of music fans discover the pleasures of vinyl recordings, the record companies re-release CDs with enhanced crackles, hiss and surface noise...

DECEMBER
As part of a new plan by John Magnier and JP McManus to breed a better class of footballer, Manchester United put Roy Keane and Wayne Rooney out to stud... Victoria and David Beckham are contracted to take the lead roles in a new film about Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love... TV3 introduce their new reality TV show I’m A Tourist Get Me Out Of Here in which a bunch of visitors to Ireland are dumped beside a road sign in the Midlands and have to make their own way back to Dublin Airport unaided. To create a sense of reality, all tourist offices in the area remain closed. Aslan re-record ‘Crazy World’ as the series’ signature tune... The BCI discover that all independent radio stations are using the same music playlist and agree to merge them all as Tomorrow FM... Michael Jackson releases his Christmas version of ‘Suffer Little Children’... A major scandal breaks when it’s discovered that RTE do not have licenses for the hundreds of television sets on its premises... The last competitor in the Dublin City Marathon, missing for over a month, is sighted near the east end of Stephen’s Green... An outbreak of binge-drinking of holy water results in a ban on pilgrimages to the shrine at Knock... Wild scenes of jubilation in Leitrim after it’s announced that the entire county is going to be re-developed as Europe’s biggest car park... Due to a technical error, an ESB bill tops the PPI’s Christmas download charts... Christmas is celebrated in the USA with a nationwide outbreak of witch-burning... The year ends when, as part of a unique amnesty, arrangements are made whereby all versions of Aslan’s ‘Crazy World’ can be handed in at your local record shop, no questions asked...