Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?

Anybody in management at my job. Lovely people – but I want to get lit at my own party and I don’t need them meeting Champagne Pam.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?

I was going to say Beyoncé, but then I figured she would hog all the limelight from me and that won’t do.

Favourite saying?

“I’d rather be looking at it than looking for it.” Generally applies when I’m wondering whether or not I should buy a bottle of wine.

Favourite record?

Missy Elliott’s 2006 Greatest Hits album Respect M.E. Every song is a work of art.

Favourite book?

All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. It’s set throughout World War II and follows two characters: a young German soldier and a young blind French girl. It’s so well-written and the character development is glorious.

Favourite film?

Guillermo del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth is absolutely gorgeous. He tells two stories simultaneously – one is almost infantile, while the other deals with the brutality of the reign of Franco.

Favourite author?

JK Rowling. But I know she’s cancelled, so if you’d like a safer option, we can go with Philip Pullman.

Favourite actor/actress?

I’m in a deep love affair with Zendaya. The Greatest Showman. Euphoria. Spiderman. The woman can do it all. She’s hideously talented as well as being outspoken and political. Kind of thick at her for stealing Tom Holland off me though…

Favourite musician?

Doja Cat’s Planet Her album is incredible.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?

The old reliable tale of calling the teacher Mom, or else taking a stranger’s hand thinking they were one of your parents.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?

If I were to ever need a blood transfusion, all the medics would need to do is a get a can of Diet Coke from the hospital vending machine and administer it intravenously. I’d be back on my feet within 10 minutes.

TV programme?

I love a good period drama and Downton Abbey has it all. I’ve just finished watching it for the fourth time.

Favourite TV personality?

Gemma Collins is the gift that keeps on giving. If I’m ever feeling down I just throw on her YouTube best bits compilation.

Favourite item of clothing?

I got the ugliest pair of tie-dye Crocs last summer and I adore them.

Most desirable date?

A table quiz and pints.

Favourite method of relaxation?

Cross stitching or gaming.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?

A vet, but I have neither the brains nor the stomach for it.

Biggest thrill?

I hate heights but love the thrill of rollercoasters – will I die or will I not?

Biggest disappointment?

The Sopranos. Don’t hate me. Just couldn’t get into it.

Your concept of heaven?

Everyone you’ve ever loved gathered round a dinner table with dogs everywhere.

Your concept of hell?

Sitting at a bus stop and hearing people speak poor English on a loop for all eternity.

What would be your dying words?

Don’t touch my Diet Coke.

Greatest ambition?

I would love to appear on The Chase. I really think Bradley and I would hit it off, and I would 100% take the higher offer.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?

Renaissance Italy where life really went from dull and grey to an explosion of colour and culture. I would have Michaelangelo and Da Vinci fighting each other for my hand in marriage.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?

A fox. They’re sexy as hell. Sleep during the day and then pop out for some grub at night when it’s quiet. Ideal. Don’t have to see or speak to anyone.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?

I’d get a share-size bag of Giant Wotsits, a Diet Coke and play Playstation.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?

Harry Styles knocks it out of the park every time.

Favourite term of abuse?

Flute. I use it all day every day. Apparently most people take it to mean “penis”. Oh well.

Biggest fear?

Heights and water. The very reason I have never, and will never, jump off the diving tower at Blackrock in Salthill. I should have my Galwegian title stripped.

Humanity’s most useful invention?

90% of problems I’ve ever had were fixed with an Allen key. They can do it all.

Humanity’s most useless invention?

I was struggling with this one and turned to my mother to ask her what she thought. Her response?
“You know what the most useless thing invented was – men”. I second that.

• Catch Pamela Joyce every weekday on Today FM from 12-2pm.