Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
Dublin city council chief Owen Keegan. What’s with the Bernard Shaw closing?

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Me.

Favourite saying?
You’re the best friend a good time ever had.

Favourite record?
Right now Titanic Rising by Weyes Blood. Back when, Songs For The Deaf by QOTSA. In the future, whatever the kids are listening to on their synaptic probes.

Favourite book?
Just Kids by Patti Smith, and just for good measure, all 150 books I am 78% the way through.

Favourite film?
Playtime by Jacques Tati.

Favourite author?
Jules Verne.

Favourite actor / actress?
Saoirse Ronan and Patrick Swayze.

Favourite musician?
Conor J. O’Brien.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Ha! Like I’d tell you!?

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
I couldn’t pick a favourite – I love them all equally.

TV programme?
High Maintenance – “The Guy” is a character who resonates with me. He’s such a good guy.

Favourite TV personality?
Another thing about the aforementioned “Guy” is that, in general, all round “goodness” isn’t celebrated enough on television. Oh – the Maitre d from First Dates, he seems like a sound lad.

Favourite item of clothing?
If I write it down I’ll lose it. But suffice it to say, it’s covered in huge holes and doesn’t get any compliments.

Most desirable date?
One where I can maintain enough charm and humour, while my heart bangs around my chest like a jackhammer.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Work. I think if I left it like that, I’d sound like a psychopath. I just really like my job.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
Probably one that involved making very little money, a lot of work and fleeting moments of pure undiluted joy.

Biggest thrill?
Making a large crowd audibly snort-laugh.

Biggest disappointment?
Ah sure, no sense dwelling on that now.

Your concept of heaven?
Planet Earth on a good day.

Your concept of hell?
Planet Earth on a bad day.

What would be your dying words?
Who wants a haunting lads?

Greatest ambition?
To never run out of ambitions.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
Just now, but like about 10 years ago. I’d probably do roughly the same thing, but I’d be REALLY cool about it this time.

If you weren’t a human being which animal would you have chosen to be?
The correct answer is dog, but I’d go elephant, because I reckon I could fill a good few hours with “trunk stuff”.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
That would 100% be a no-pants day, straight out of the gate.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
You look fantastic, give yourself a nomination there.

Favourite term of abuse?
11 mins.

Biggest fear?
11 mins of abuse.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
A pleasant pause.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
Souless hotels. Dublin’s being turned into an impersonal concrete block.

• Steve McCarthy’s work featured in the Academy Award-nominated Song Of The Sea. His piece for the ‘Damn Fine Print - Liffey Swim 100th Anniversary’ show has been selected for the Irish National Gallery’s print collection. Steve is donating the profits to Epilepsy Ireland, in memory of Liane Deasy. He’s currently working on a new book.