Is it okay to have sex with your friends?

Men and women can’t be friends – sex gets in the way. This is an unshakeable belief of millions of people, including my friend Marie.

I don’t agree, but being an open-minded, tolerant type I was prepared to accept that Marie thought differently – until she starting dating my friend and housemate, Tony.
As far as Marie was concerned, my trips to the pub with Tony to discuss life, the universe and everything were secret assignations, tinged with desire. She was convinced that if we were not shagging behind her back, then at least we wanted to. Tony wasn’t on my sexual radar but like all those who subscribe to dogmatic beliefs, nothing I could say or do would convince Marie otherwise.
Now here was a moral quandary. Did I give in to Marie’s paranoia to keep her friendship? After all, I had know her for years, we studied together and had lots of the same friends. Or did I decide to keep being friends with Tony? I’d known him for ages too, we lived in the same house and our friendship was completely platonic, wasn’t it? Or at least that’s what I thought.
I didn’t know what to do, so I avoided both of them as best I could, hoping the situation would resolve itself. Before too long it did. Marie dumped Tony. The poor guy, he was not happy at all and moped around the house for days. One evening I took him out, hoping that a few drinks and a shoulder to cry on would help. After a few pints, it turned out that my shoulder was not the only part of my anatomy Tony was interested in. Oh dear. Now that did take me by surprise...
Of course I was aware that lots of friendships between men and women contain a frisson of sexual attraction.
Unless he or she is hideously unattractive, smelly or insane, chances are you have at least thought about what it would be like to have sex with someone who is nominally just a friend. You may decide not to act upon it, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t considered it. After all, we are only human.
As poor Tony found out, it can be tricky letting your good buddy know that you’d be interested in more than friendship. How does one go about it? You can sit them down and have a chat but that may seem too serious. You can ask a mutual friend to tell them but that’s a bit juvenile. You can both get drunk and then make a pass at them – and blame the booze if it all goes pear-shaped. You could get stranded on a desert island and hope for the best, but that’s a lot of hassle and frankly, who has the time unless some god-awful reality TV show was willing to pay for it?
Alternatively you can try it Tony’s way, although I wouldn’t recommend it. After the initial rebuff, he got angry, really angry, and in the middle of the street he shouted at me that he was in love with me.
It could almost have been romantic, like a scene from a straight-to-video chick flick, until he spat out what has got to be the worst declaration of passion that I – or possibly any woman – has ever received. “I don’t even know why,” he said. “You’re not my type. You’re not a Christian, you can be a right bitch, you’re too opinionated and you, you smoke!”
How could I resist? It was easier than you might think.
For many people – women mostly – having sex with a friend is a big no-no for fear of ‘ruining the friendship’. To be brutally honest, boys, most women who use this as an excuse either don’t find you attractive or are using you as a possible fall back. If nothing better comes along you might eventually get lucky! Few men have such compunctions and given the opportunity most would be willing to give it a go. Personally I agree. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have been too chicken-shit to risk it.
On more than one occasion, when the moon and the stars were correctly aligned, I have looked into the eyes of a man I had previously regarded as strictly friendship material and realised I’d been blind. Here before me was a beautiful, sexy, intelligent guy – and what had I being doing with him? Chatting! Chatting? What had I been thinking? I had been foolish, but no more! I would remedy the situation right now.
Unfortunately, there have been occasions too, when the sun was high in the sky and the clouds parted, that I looked into the eyes of a man I had just last night regarded as God’s gift and realised that it was all a cruel mistake. There were damn good reasons why I had only wanted him as a friend before – he was far too close to his mother; drank too much; wore dodgy clothes; or had a fondness for Star Trek bordering on obsession.
The point is that having sex with a friend does not have to be the end of the friendship – or even the start of the relationship. Casual no-strings attached sex with someone you care about, and whose company you enjoy, can be the prefect compromise between being single and being part of a couple. Find yourself a fuck buddy and – potentially – you have the wonderful benefits of regular sex without the hassle of a relationship.
For the most part, friendship can survive a sexual indiscretion – sometimes several indiscretions with the same friend. Things may get rocky initially, but where true friendship is involved, they’ll bounce back. Trust me on this. For years I had difficulty distinguishing affection and attraction – and when it comes to foolish flings with friends, I’m something of an expert.
My friendship with Andrew is still rock solid despite the fact that we slept together for the best part of a year. I have a great relationship with an ex who became an on-off fuck buddy. And although Dave didn’t speak to me for six months after a drunken mistake years ago, our relationship has been fine ever since.
Before my holiday back to South Africa recently, I was showing Thomas photos of the cast of characters he was going to meet. He pointed to a picture of Andrew and asked me if he was an ex-boyfriend or a friend. A tricky question that. He’s just a friend, I told him, a very good friend.