Boys Are Back in Town

It’s after midday, so it would be silly of me to think I’d be talking to three sober Canadians – especially when those Canadians happen to be the perpetually intoxicated Trailer Park Boys. Ricky, Julian and Bubbles are currently on the road with their new December show that takes a candid look at the season. So, on a scale of 1 to 10, exactly how festive are they feeling right now?

“I’m at a 10,” says Ricky in a spaced-out drawl. “Because Dublin is actually the North Pole and Santa Claus is there. Bubbles has promised that I’m going to meet the real Santa Claus and I can’t wait. I need to apologise, because last year I got into a fight with him and I punched him in the nose. He kneed me in the nuts. And I want to apologise, I feel bad for it.”

A surreal start that I could easily sidestep. But I’m curious: how exactly does one get into a fight with jolly Saint Nick?

“Well I thought that he was actually a mole Santa stealing my gifts not leaving gifts,” Ricky explains. “So, it was a misunderstanding. I was drunk…”

Surprising, really, considering the ex-con character is nearly always seen with a rum and coke in hand. The title of the trio’s new show – Dear Santa, Go F**k Yourself – suggests that Ricky isn’t the only one who has beef with Christmas time.

“Basically I want to go round different cities of the world,” Bubbles chips in, “and just try hard to get people to learn the true meaning of Christmas and spread some holiday spirit and go back to it being about fun, not how much money you can spend.”

Ricky interrupts with an important announcement: “Before I forget about this, can you warn all the people over in Dublin to not leave anything in their cars if they’re coming to the show? Because Julian will break into their cars during the intermission and probably steal whatever they have. He’s very greasy.” Duly noted.

For the new show, fellow Sunnyvale residents Mr. Lahey and Randy will be joining the boys on stage for the first time. Will the presence of the ex-policeman and his sidekick help deter them from bad behaviour?

“Well, look, Randy is working for me,” says Julian. “I hired him on. So he’s going to be like, uh, kind of an assistant. Or, kind of like a slave.”

The overweight bisexual usually wanders the trailer park without a shirt on – but surely that will change on the cold streets of Dublin?

“I’m trying to get him to wear more clothes. I can’t handle looking at that big gut all the time. I’ve got a little uniform for him, so hopefully he’ll wear it.” That sounds, er, interesting. “Well it’s nothing disturbing,” Julian hastens to add. “It’s like a janitor’s uniform.”

“I would describe it more as a little ass-man bondage suit,” offers Bubbles.

“Leather pants… it’s kind of weird, actually,” adds Ricky. Julian gives a feeble protest, only to be drowned out by the other two discussing lighthearted S&M get-ups with a frightening enthusiasm.

Kinky sexual habits aside, if you’ve ever caught an episode of The Trailer Park Boys you might have noticed the odd reference to weed. The boys aren’t bringing their beloved crop with them, surely?

“I’ll tell you right now, I’m not allowing these guys to take any kind of narcotics across the border,” says Bubbles.

Ricky is pragmatic about the issue. “Hopefully someone from Dublin can become really good friends with me.” Is that what he did last time? “Yeah, last time I was over I smoked some very good product. I’m hoping to find some more of that.”

Is he still in touch with his Dublin supplier?

“No, actually, he’s in jail.” There’s a deadpan silence on the phone, and then he asks: “Maybe you could be my contact?”

They might be full-time wasters, but the boys haven’t wasted much time since the last Trailer Park episode aired in 2008. Only earlier this year they graced our shores with the Drunk, High and Unemployed tour. But what fans really want is another movie – or perhaps a Bubbles spin-off series?

“I was talking about doing a reality show because I’m trying to become a spaceman so I thought if the cameras followed me around while I did my training that might be a good show,” he says. “I’ve wanted to be a spaceman since I was a little guy. And I’m still not giving up hope – I apply to NASA every six months.”

The small matter of having a criminal record notwithstanding…

“Well, they kind of frown upon that. But I am in peak physical condition so I’m hoping that would override it.”

Dear Santa, Go F**k Yourself is at The Olympia, Dublin from December 12-14.