BABY, YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR

FOR THE motor racing enthusiast, Brands Hatch is a Mecca: a haven of auto-eroticism for those who get off on gasoline, thrive on turbo and are sexually aroused by the high-pitched whine of a screaming 3500cc engine. For the impartial observer, however, it is a blustery, long winding road in the middle of Kent, boasting no end of chicanes, parabolicas and other intimidating twists, turns and straights with cutesy monikers such as Dingle Dell, Clark Curve, Paddock Hill and Pilgrim's Drop.
To reach the Brands Hatch pit lane, you must first pass the Brands Hatch merchandising shop, which, in common with merchandising shops the world over, is brim-full of over-priced knick-knacks of every stripe and shade: fire engine red Ferrari baseball caps, tasteful "My Other Car Is A McLaren" key-rings and indispensable every-home-should-have-one life-size cardboard cut-outs of Jean Alesi.
Resisting the urge to invest in any turbo-tat and passing through the paddock on my way to meet Sarah Kavanagh, the young lady who glories in the reputation of being Ireland's fastest woman, I couldn't help but notice the small gaggles of drivers, mechanics and hangers-on that were practically masturbating over the many colourful racing cars assembled there for the day's sport ahead. Expressions like "Semi-automatic gear shift", "Ford Sapphire Cosworth" and "Judd V10 engine" were not so much enunciated as groaned with unbridled lust, steering wheels were being caressed rather than handled and I didn't so much walk the final metres to the pits as fucking sprint, concerned that the prospect of a grown man actually pulling out his hot rod and thrusting it violently into a petrol tank was all too real.
Sarah Kavanagh was in garage no. 11, looking tremendously professional (and not altogether unsexy) sporting a pony-tail, a white racing suit festooned with numerous sponsors' logos and rinky-dink red racing shoes. As she breakfasted on a bag of figs, her mechanics made a few last-minute tweaks and adjustments to her F3000 Reynard Cosworth V8 before the qualifying session which would determine the grid placings for the opening race of this year's European BOSS Series.
One rung down the ladder from Formula One, the European BOSS Formula is open to any pre-December 1995 single-seater and generally attracts cars from Formula One, Indy and F3000. Sarah Kavanagh has the use of a Jordan Formula One car for the season ahead, but because it wasn't ready for this race, she'd bought a drive in the less powerful F3000, one of two cars in the event owned by Fred Goddard, proprietor of Fred Goddard Racing.
For Sarah, the qualifying session was a disastrous one. Although her entourage and I couldn't see what happened from our hair-raising vantage point adjacent to the track on the pit wall, an incident occurred out on the circuit which caused the marshals (men in orange boiler suits whose job it is to make drivers' lives miserable) to yellow-flag the competitors, thus forcing them to "slow down, stop overtaking and prepare to take evasive action". It was an instruction Sarah chose to ignore, and for her petulance she was informed by a stony-faced orange man that despite a mightily impressive lap time, she would be starting her race from the back of the grid, behind all the other cars.
Talking afterwards, over a vile but easily-digestible carbohydrate-rich lunch of tepid broccoli, cauliflower, baked potato and beans, she seemed remarkably chipper, under the circumstances.
"I'm actually not upset," she smiled. "It should be kinda interesting. In some ways it takes the pressure off me because although I have to make a very good start, at the same time there's no-one coming from behind me. Even if I get a slow start, I don't have to worry about somebody else hitting me from behind. And, if any other cars go off at the first bend it'll give me the opportunity to take evasive action. It's interesting and I hope it's gonna be fun."
The fun started back in 1990 when Sarah first put pedal to metal. She began her career as a go-kart driver in Britain and has progressed steadily through the ranks - Formula Ford, Formula Opel, Formula Vauxhall, British Formula Two, Formula Nippon (The Japanese class which has proved to be the main nursery for Formula One, in which drivers such as Michael and Ralf Schumacher, Heinz-Harald Frentzen and Irvine have fine-tuned their talents) - to the European Boss series, in which she races this year.
Needless to say, though, her eight years haven't always been angst-free and while she hides it well, she is clearly frustrated and understandably bewildered by the blinkered attitudes of those in her largely male-populated profession. In short, most of them would prefer if she just fucked off. Her riposte is to let her driving do the talking.
Standing on the pit wall during a car race in which competitors are reaching speeds of up to 150 miles per hour is like watching a video of yourself thumbing a lift at the side of the M1 on fast forward. Only worse. The close proximity of the action means that the noise is deafening and the sheer speed and velocity of the cars truly terrifying. After the first of the 25 laps, Sarah had progressed from last to sixth place. A couple of laps later she was fourth, directly behind her team-mate Duncan Gray, who was in turn trailing in the wake of two Formula One cars, a Tyrrell and a Jordan. Needless to say, I didn't work all this out myself; to the untrained eye motor-racing is a blur.
Her manager, Michael Magan, was kind enough to keep me informed of the fact that she was gaining on Duncan, and until lap 23 (I think), that was how it stayed. Yellow whizzed by, then a couple of back markers who had been lapped, then Duncan, then . . . then some sputtering no-mark limping along with smoke billowing out of their clapped-out engine. Sarah had obviously gone out of the race.
It transpired that when she had finally caught Duncan, she attempted to overtake him but had instead shunted him from behind, putting herself out of the race and causing #3-4,000 worth of damage to the car in the process. As she trudged back to the pits, team owner Fred Goddard's mood was not so much upbeat as beat-up.
"She's a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl!" he ranted to nobody in particular. "She's coming fourth overall, second in class, so what does she do? She tries to pass Duncan, puts herself out of the race and wrecks the fucking car. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I should have known better than to let a woman into my car."
After the race, as Sarah and I retired to the relative warmth and comfort of Fred's articulated truck to conduct our interview, this ambitious, shrewd, eloquent and affable young woman chattered animatedly about her afternoon's work. Blithely unaware of her laugh-a-minute team owner's foul chicanery a few minutes previously, she bubbled over with excitement upon discovering that she'd clocked the quickest lap time of the race. Later, she would learn that she had broken the Formula 3,000 track record. Go Speed Racer!

Barry Glendenning: What's the fastest speed you've ever driven at?
Sarah Kavanagh: 200 miles per hour.
What did it feel like?
Mega! You can't even begin to put it into words, it's just a brilliant feeling. I did it out in Japan on a circuit called Fuji. It has a really, really long straight and just as you're coming into the braking area you hit 200 mph. It's just fabulous.
Why did you ignore the yellow flag in the qualifying session?
Well, it's so busy out on the track, y'know. It was a stupid thing to do because everyone knows the rules. But this is such a short circuit and with so many cars out there you just get into the way of thinking that any opportunity you get to go past somebody, you have to take it.
What was your immediate reaction when you realised you'd done it? Was it a case of going "Shit! I'm in trouble now."?
Yeah. Apparently I did it three times but I only remember doing it once. When I actually did it I was alongside the other car and when I saw the yellow flag I just figured: "Well, it's too late to brake now, I'm halfway there, I might as well just finish it (laughs)."
Some of your team thought it might be a case of sexism on the part of the marshals. They say that you've had a lot of similar experiences on this course.
Yes, it is notorious here . . . for me anyway. Any bad experiences I've had with officials have been at this track, but I don't like to think that's the reason it happened today, because if it is I'll just get mad.
Motor racing is clearly a male-dominated sport. How difficult has it been for you to achieve your current status?
It's been very difficult. It's like a double-edged sword: it's been good because obviously I get the attention because I'm a girl, but at the same time, because I'm a girl, nobody thinks I'm good enough and nobody takes me seriously. I'm not sure whether it's good or bad to be the girl doing it (laughs). I'm quite happy for that to be forgotten about. I don't like having to use that or exploit the fact that I'm a girl driver.
But surely it makes it easier for you when you're wooing prospective sponsors?
Actually, it doesn't. That's a big misconception. Everybody I meet tells me it must be so easy for me because I'm a marketing dream, but I've found that when it actually comes to a company parting with the amounts of cash that I need, it all comes down to the level of success I can achieve, not the fact that I'm a young girl.
You've stated that it's your ambition to drive in Formula One by the year 2000. How realistic a proposition is that?
It is realistic. I've come a long way and now I'm only one step away from it. I feel that the hardest bit is behind me. It's imperative that I have a good season this year, but I'm really confident that I will be there.
Would you settle for a seat in one of the shite Formula One teams that can invariably be found loitering without intent at the back of the grid?
(Laughs) I'd prefer not to, but Formula One is Formula One and I think you just take whatever experience you can get and just try and shine in that situation. But no, preferably not! But I think walking into a top team is not an option for many drivers.
Hypothetical situation: there's a drive going with Ferrari and it's yours if you agree to sleep with a fat, ugly, sweaty Italian sponsor. What would you do?
(Laughs at length) Oh God! I've asked myself this question so many times, over and over again: where do I draw the line? I think I probably would do anything to get into Formula 1. It's an impossible question to answer.
No it isn't.
Well . . . (long pause) . . . I would consider it because I want to . . . no I wouldn't. I couldn't! (laughs) I have had this argument with myself a thousand times. I go "Yeah, yeah, morals, forget about 'em. Who's gonna know?" But, then again, I don't think I could. I just seriously hope I'm never in that situation. Ever. I want to drive Formula One on merit.
You don't sound very convincing.
(Laughs) It would be the wrong decision to make, I know that. But, y'know, sitting there looking at that Ferrari and if that's all I had to do . . . I mean, it's not a huge thing. But no, I don't think I could do it.
Why not?
Because I don't want to be there if that's what I have to do to get it. I'm a good driver and I can win races, so when I get a Formula One drive, that's why I'll be there.
If you're as good as you say you are, why did you crash today?
Well, the reason I went off was because I was trying to pass Duncan, my team-mate. I was coming fourth, I thought I could overtake him, but he was trying to overtake another car which wouldn't get out of the way, despite the fact that we were both lapping it, so I ended up hitting Duncan from behind. It was chaos out there but I just decided to go for it because I've got to try and go for the win instead of settling for second place.
Even if it means retiring with two laps to go?
I'm quite happy with today's performance because I got the fastest lap. This weekend would have been a disaster if I hadn't done that. I'd be really pissed off because I'd broken the car and not finished the race. But because I was fastest in class and third fastest overall, I'm really pleased.
Fred Goddard wasn't too impressed.
No, Fred is pissed off. He would have been happy if I had finished, because then Duncan and I would have been first and second in class. I think he would be much happier if I was a boy. He doesn't mind admitting that. We have a serious love/hate relationship, do Fred and I (laughs).
Why is the fact that you're a woman such a big problem for him?
It doesn't make a difference, does it? At least it shouldn't do. But Fred's 50, he's South African. He knows it's irrational, he knows it doesn't make sense, but he just can't help it. As far as he's concerned, I'm a girl and I'm not meant to do this. But as a driver he really respects me and he never has a bad word to say about me.
He had quite a few to say about you after you crashed.
(sighing in exasperation) Oh, life would be just so perfect if I was a guy! Look, I'll give Fred points for making an effort, but he's just a leopard who can't change his spots.
How do you get on with your fellow drivers? The level of rapport between you all would appear to be nil, and in the past some of your male colleagues have refused to race against you because you're a woman.
Yeah, it's funny. Guys who qualify behind me on the grid suddenly develop mysterious ailments like colds and flu and stiff necks to explain away the fact that they weren't going as quickly as I was. Eventually though, the excuses just run out. At this level they tend to take defeat very badly. I think it's absolutely pitiful, but I just couldn't be bothered with it at this stage, to be honest.
Have you had many rows with other drivers?
Yeah, I've had quite a few, mostly on the track rather than off, and in particular with the Japanese drivers when I was racing over there. They're very hard to assess because they don't make eye-contact with me at all. I'm not sure whether that's out of politeness or whether they're refusing to acknowledge my existence. I remember on one occasion there was a guy out on the track who brake-tested me.
What does that mean?
It was at a hairpin bend and I was off-line because I'd just come out of the pits. So, coming into the hairpin, this guy just dived in front of me and stood on the brakes, so that I would have to brake . . . except I didn't (laughs). I just hit him. It was like "Fuck you! If you're going to do that . . . bang!" I broke the floor of his car, well, he broke the floor of his car on my car and then he went back to his team whining that I had run into the back of him because I was a woman and I couldn't drive, whereas the spectators had seen what had happened and verified, for me, what had actually happened. This meant that he was in disgrace with his team, and it cost him #7,000 (laughs). That'll teach him not to mess with me!
Describe a typical day in your life, if there is such a thing.
There isn't really, which is why I love it. During the winter I spend all day training - twice a day, six days a week. In between I'm more or less eating or sleeping, that's pretty much it. Here at the track, though, this is what it's really all about.
Do you get out much?
(Sighs) No, I actually don't. I think racing drivers have the saddest social lives . . . ever.
Eddie Irvine seems to have a pretty active time of it.
Yeah, he manages it. He's got the balance right. People like Michael Schumacher and David Coulthard take it so seriously and they're so fit and strong that people are always telling me that that's what I have to achieve. You tend to get sucked into that way of thinking. Over the winter I was really, really strict, because if you go out and stay out late then you can't get up in the morning for training. So I was really good: not drinking, not going out, but now I just think, "Naw, forget that, that's way too boring."
When was the last time you got really, really pissed?
(Long pause) Ehhh, probably Christmas. That would have been the last time I got really falling-down drunk.
Are you a militant feminist or a woman who happens to drive fast cars?
I'm a woman who happens to drive fast cars. I'm not a flag-waver, y'know. I'm not on some crusade. I have nothing against feminists, specifically, but I don't agree with coming from one extreme or the other. I really believe in taking people on their merits, individually. Every person is different, man, woman, child, whatever. I really dislike labelling people and I try very hard not to do it.
Do you get on well with other women?
Most women think what I do is actually pretty cool, but I think that's only happened in the last couple of years. Whether it's because I'm more successful now or because women's attitudes are changing, I don't know. Initially I found that women were the biggest bitches and the least supportive. I mean, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of sponsors I have that are women.
Do you think other women are jealous of you?
Maybe. I do get the old looks up and down, from head to toe and back up, in a sort of "Who the fuck does she think she is?" sort of way. Maybe it's because I've got something to talk to their boyfriends and husbands about that girlfriends and wives can be a bit cold-shoulderish. I don't know and I don't care.
It could be argued that you have entered one of the riskiest professions there are. What about all the racing drivers, most notably Ayrton Senna, who have been killed in action, or Northern Ireland's Martin Donnelly, who had such a bad crash that his car disintegrated and he ended up - still strapped to his seat - in the middle of the track with horrific leg injuries?
Oh Christ, they were both horrific. Of course that's not nice to watch, but when something like that happens the whole sport goes "Right, let's make sure that nothing like that ever happens again". Safety in motor racing has come on in leaps and bounds in recent years. It sounds funny, but the faster you go, the safer your car gets. I mean, my Jordan has been crash-tested to withstand crashes that would rarely, if ever, occur. The circuits, as well, pay loads of attention to safety. I mean, it's a gamble, but if it bothers you then you're not going to race. It just doesn't bother me. I don't want to wait around 'til I'm 60 and sick going "I coulda been a contender". I want to enjoy every second I have.
Your brother and sister are here at Brands Hatch today. Are all your family as supportive?
I think my mother would probably prefer if I was doing something else. I don't really know, we don't talk about it that much.
Why not?
I suppose it's just difficult for her to get used to.
Is she worried that you're going to get hurt?
I don't know. In fact, I don't really want to know. Maybe she is. I've got a sister who's handicapped and in a wheelchair, so that's a big responsibility for my mother. Maybe you're right, perhaps she's worried I'm gonna hurt myself . . . I just don't know. It's a generation thing, I think. My aims in life are different. My aim in life is not to settle down and be secure. I live from day to day, I don't know what next week's going to hold. I don't have a mortgage or a secure job whereas my mother would think those are the right things to aspire to. I don't. It's just a difference of opinion . . . (pause) . . . but having said that, she doesn't try to stop me from doing it.
I suspect she'd be wasting her time.
(laughs) You said it! My dad thinks it's great, but he lives in New York and he's only ever seen me race once, so his input is very minimal as well.
Do you worry at all about getting hurt?
No.
Surely it must cross your mind?
No. I think it's worth it. It's worth the risk.
Have you ever had a bad shunt?
Yeah, oh yeah (laughs)!
Have you ever been badly injured?
No. I've never broken anything, but I was on crutches once, for about a week. I had a nasty accident in a Formula Ford where I hit a kerb and tore the floor off my car. I smashed my feet against the pedals and got dragged along the track (laughs at the hilarity of it all). I was very lucky not to lose my legs, I think. But when something like that happens, it's just a matter of getting back in and doing it again.
Did you pass your driving test on the first attempt?
Yeah, yeah. No hassle.
What do you drive when you're not racing?
I've got a Toyota Corolla GT. It's 13 years old and covered in rust. It's my first car and it doesn't owe me a thing. Everything I have goes into racing, so I don't live in a luxury house, or drive a fancy car or stay in five-star hotels.
Are you a speed merchant when driving on public roads?
I would be if I was given the opportunity, but it's impossible in Dublin. You just get stuck behind things going at 20mph. It's a real head-wrecker. But it's probably for the best, because if you get into trouble with your road licence you lose your racing licence.
Do you ever feel like giving up racing and getting a "proper" job?
I can't do anything else. I mean, there really is nothing else I can do (laughs). I mean, I've really thought about it because it's such hard work. I've lived on porridge for a week because I can't afford to eat because I've been racing. So it hasn't been that much fun, but the highs are such a high. I've thought about packing it in, y'know: "This is so much grief and so much heartache, do I really need this in my life?" And then I go, "Yeah! I do." I've thought about every single occupation imaginable but I don't want to do any of them.
We've established that a lot of your fellow drivers resent you, but have any of them ever made a pass at you?
Not really, no.
Not really?
(Laughs) Well when I was out in Japan there was a couple of drivers who went out of their way to be extra helpful, y'know, escorting me to drivers' briefings and the like. I get flirted with but none of them ever ask me out.
What would you do if one of them did?
I don't think I would ever go out with another driver because drivers tend to . . . there's a lot of effort that goes into . . . y'know . . . I don't know. (Laughs) Look, I know that I'm probably, eh, hard work to go out with and I think another driver . . . well, it just wouldn't work. Definitely not, unless of course, he was exceptionally cute.
Are you going out with anyone?
No, not at the moment. I've been in a really long relationship before and it's just not a priority. It's not something I think about or worry about . . . it just isn't happening at the moment.
Was there any connection between the break-up of your relationship and your career?
There was, funnily enough (laughs), mainly because I left the country. That's always a killer for any relationship.
Were you forced to choose between him and the car?
No, it just reached its natural conclusion.
How do you relax?
I eat out loads. My favourite past-time is food.
What about music?
Oh, I really love going to watch bands playing. I think absolutely anybody is brilliant live. I would love to see Madonna live, I think she's fantastic. I'm mad into Finley Quaye at the moment. I'm into the real kind of soul music; Erykah Badu and stuff as well. Anyone black and female, really. When I was in school, all my friends were in a band and I used to hang out at McGonagles, the Baggot, all the places that ever took crap bands. But I do love live music; I even went to see the Spice Girls! Everyone was knee-high and there was eight of us, all girls in our 20s, screaming for Girl Power. It was quite a raunchy show, actually. The Spice Girls were asking the crowd to tell them their fantasies and I was standing there thinking: "They don't have fantasies, they're four!"
What are your fantasies?
My fantasies? My absolute ideal fantasy is out-qualifying Michael Schumacher. I actually do day-dream that one quite a lot. Formula One . . . that's my fantasy, that's my dream.
Which is better, motor racing or sex?
(long pause) Motor racing lasts longer (laughs).
That depends on who you're having sex with.
Does it now? No, I'm afraid motor racing is a bigger thrill, so the guys lose out (laughs). Think about it, 200 miles per hour - it's hard to top that. n
* Log on the Sarah Kavanagh's website at http://www.sarah.org