A Paddy's Day hero is something to be

Hardly a day goes by without Mary Harney announcing yet more redundancies, and today is no exception, with news that Saint Patrick may be about to close his church on top of Croagh Patrick and move to a more competitive environment in the Far East (that’s, like, Singapore, not Dalkey.

Still traumatised by the final decommissioning of the Wolfe Tones, legendary rabble and rebel rouser Ding Dong Denny O’Reilly was not in the mood to take any prisoners when we spoke to him about the uncertain future for our venerable saint.

“Saint Patrick was never really goin’ to be a big league saint. He really only made it in Ireland. He was a bit of an early version of David Gray, y’know, came over from Wales when he couldn’t make it anywhere else and the Irish canonised him. I mean, makin’ out that God was not much more than a 3-in-1 stereo was never goin’ to win him the European Saint of the Year Award, was it?. Y’see, Saint Patrick couldn’t perform even the most rudimentary miracle. Sure he didn’t even have the stigmata, just an’ oul shamrock farm in Mayo somewhere.

“But the ting that really put the caterpillar amongst the shamrock was The Book of Kells scandal. Himself and his buddies thought the halos were in the bag, but when it was presented to Pope Cornelius IV in 545 he went papily apeshit. ‘What kind of carry on is this?’ he asked the Council of Florence, ‘with pictures of snakes, the devil’s own messenger wriggling around letters, lewdly intertwined and tonguey kissing with disciples of Jesus, not to mention their heads stuck up the arses of leading biblical figures. Ah lads, for fuck sake!’

“So he decreed that Patrick and his buddies spend the rest of their days ridding Ireland of feckin’ snakes. Poor bastards!”

As for the day that honours his name, the raucous is singularly unimpressed.

“It’s a pain in the bollix. The bleedin’ parade full of these shams from Galway with these big stupid heads on them batin’ drums an’ blowin’ didgeridoos or didgeridonts as I call them. If the Irish had had didgeridoos years ago they’d a used them to bate the British wit. It really annoys me that our bleedin’ patron saint is a bloody Brit. Before he came along we were havin’ the craic, drinkin’, fightin’, killin’, pukin’, inbreedin’ an’ ridin’ animals. Then over he trots with his ‘thou shalt not do this’ or ‘hey, leave that Irish wolfhound alone’. And tellin’ us to adore this Virgin Mary. Before that virgins were burrent as offerings to the Goddess of some fuckin’ ting. He was a typical Brit, makin’ out we’re too thick to understand the blessed trinity until he showed us a bleedin’ shamrock. What are we celebratin’ that for?”

And The Nominees Are…

GERRY ADAMS

Nominated by Ding Dong Denny O’Reilly, balladeer

“Gerry Adams is a great man. Though he’s still working on his one great miracle, trying to turn 26 into 32 and make 32 become 1. But he looks quite like a saint. Every saint should have a beard. However, I must admit, I’ve always pictured him as a werewolf.”

BONO

Nominated by Flo McSweeney, singer and TV presenter.

“I’ve been reading a lot about Bono recently and all the time he’s taken off to fight for good causes and all that he’s achieved. I think he’s very sincere, earnest, decent and would be a great figurehead for Ireland for the third millennium.”

SINÉAD O’CONNOR

Nominated by Ann Harrington, 2FM presenter

“Sinéad is not only a brilliant singer but she also has the suss to keep the important issues of the day constantly in the full social glare.”

MICHAEL LYNN

Nominated by Trevor Welch, sports presenter, TV3

“Michael (the producer of Champions League football on TV3) has enormous patience, the patience of a saint, you might say. He never gets excited no matter how much pressure he’s under. Besides, I believe it was he who banished all the snakes from TV3!”

PHILIP LYNOTT

Nominated by Tom Dunne, Today FM presenter

“For obvious reasons.”

BRIAN O’DRISCOLL

Nominated by Kevin Myers, journalist

“Because…”

JOE HIGGINS, TD

Nominated by Paul Cleary, musician

“Higgins would make a proper job of ridding Ireland of the snakes.”

RONAN O’GARA

Nominated by John Creedon, Radio 1 presenter

“I’d have to go for Blessed Ronan O’Gara. He’s certainly done his time in the wilderness. He came back from Wales in triumph and he’s responsible for more ‘conversions’ than either Saint Patrick or David Humphries. Now there’s just the small matter of the snakes in the IRFU.”

JACKIE HEALY-RAE, TD

Nominated by Cormac Battle, Wilt

“Jackie Healy-Rae would be a great new St Patrick for Ireland. His progressive ideas, embracing of all cultures of the world and his finger on the pulse approach to understanding the major concerns of Irish people, offer a perfect example of the new millennium Irish attitude. He would go a long way to changing the perception of the Irish as laughable, spud-eating, gombeen men.”