The hand is quicker than the guy

A is for…Autoeroticism

A Love-Hate Relationship
Woody Allen called it “sex with somebody you love”. Samuel Pepys loved himself so much he felt compelled to record every illicit tug in his diary. But jacking off has been subject to violent condemnation, too. 1920s Catholic priests preached damnation. In Victorian times, horror stories of blindness and hairy palms deterred young boys from spanking the monkey, and girls caught meddling with their muffins sometimes even had their clitoris removed.

DIY Lover
Although ‘wanker’ is still used as an insult today, the practice is quite acceptable, because no-one can deny it’s the safest form of sex, ever. Besides, it’s the cheapest date you’ll ever go on. Unless you’re a very insensitive lover, you’ll know exactly what gets you off. You can selfishly roll over and go to sleep when you’re done. And you’ll never have to invent a headache if you’re not in the mood.

Ladies’ Fingers
According to the Janus Report, 1993, at least 80% of men indulge regularly, and despite their blushing denials, the same goes for 48% of women. Yes, that’s right – almost half of all girls beat off. Although guys, be warned – if you point this out to a lady, you may well get a slap around the face.

Home Comforts
There’s nothing better than a quick toss to relieve tension, pass the time, or help you nod off to sleep at night. Whether you prefer a furtive rummage or hours of self-indulgence, the best place to befriend Madame Palm is in the privacy of your own home. Being caught in flagrante is embarrassing. So take some time alone, stock up on Kleenex, and set the mood: have a bath, or smear yourself with butter – whatever turns you on.

Wanking in the Workplace
Yes, I admit I’ve done this, and so have friends. But work loos are not the most hygienic of locations. Also, you may think you’re being quiet, but it’s hard to focus on disguising the slapping noise when you’re just about to shoot your wad. And if your heavy breathing doesn’t give you away, then your big red face might.

Tools of the Trade
Porno movies, dirty magazines and Mills & Boons all make excellent accompaniments to a quick flick. Or simply visualise your own sordid fun – all the nasty fantasies you couldn’t possibly act out in real life, like your Aidan Walshe fetish, or your secret desire to be ravaged by a Tellytubby.

Good Housekeeping
Keep hands and sex toys clean. Fruit and veg are covered in mould and bacteria, so if you really fancy a bit of cucumber, then cover it with a Durex first. Avoid meat, fish and dairy. Never use an appliance to blow air or pressurised water into the body; this can cause embolisms. Don’t insert anything with a cavity, like a bottle, because the suction effect can damage your insides. And if you plan to get down and dirty with household objects, then beware anything breakable, spiky, or easily stuck – unless you want to be the one sitting in A&E at three o’clock in the morning, trying to think up a convincing explanation for how the Hoover attachment got in there.

Tried and Tested
Girls: combine clitoral and vaginal stimulation for maximum impact, using one hand for each task, or deploying a cunning dildo/hand combination. If executed correctly, results in a mind-blowing ‘double orgasm’ which comes from two different ends of your minky at once. Very nice, but it’s a hard act for any partner to follow.
Boys: forget ‘liver in a jar’ (ugh), here’s one that comes recommended, although it might be advisable to do a skin patch test first in case you have an allergy. My friend fitted a tall plastic tumbler with shaving foam, mixed in a little water and, erm, dangled his bait in it. Apparently, this created a very pleasing ‘sucking’ sensation. If you’re doing this in your parents’ bathroom, make sure you stay clean-shaven, or they might start to smell a rat.