Favourite saying?
“What’s occurin’ gents?” I recently heard a young lad in Dublin say this.

Favourite record?
I definitely don’t have one, but by genre, I’d go for Illmatic by Nas and Mr Hood by KMD (rap); and The Stone Roses by The Stone Roses and Definitely Maybe by Oasis (indie).

Favourite book?
This changes all the time, but the last great one I read was Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen.

Favourite film?
This also changes all the time, but in terms of rewatches, Heat by Michael Mann.

Favourite author?
Currently it’s Donna Tartt.

Favourite actor / actress?
Edward Norton and Cate Blanchett (she was incredible in Tár).

Favourite musician?
MF Doom. 

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
In primary school, I absentmindedly clicked my fingers and whistled at my teacher, to get their attention in the way I called my childhood dog. The teacher didn’t hear, but my classmates did.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
Coffee.

TV programme?
Battlestar Galactica from 2003. Don’t let the name fool you, it’s the best science fiction series ever made.

Favourite item of clothing?
I recently got a pair of white and green Adidas Country runners. They’re the same ones Eddie Murphy wears in Beverly Hills Cop. An ’80s Adi classic.

Most desirable date?
March 30th?

Favourite method of relaxation?
Doing nothing.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
Archeologist.

Biggest thrill?
Space Mountain in Disney World.

Biggest disappointment?
When the rollercoaster on Space Mountain came to a stop.

Your concept of heaven?
Bloke with a beard on a cloud?

Your concept of hell?
Waiting for eternity on a platform for a train that will never arrive.

What would be your dying words?
I knew there was something wrong with me.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
1920s America. Great suits.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?
Penguin?

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
Paul Bettany, the actor. He’s always well-dressed and tailored.

Paul Bettany in 2019. Credit: Gage Skidmore

Favourite term of abuse?
Shitehawk.

Biggest fear?
Forgetting lines.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
A ‘catchy’. Look it up – if you have kids, get one!

Humanity’s most useless invention?
A corrosive acid that can burn through any substance. What would you keep it in?

• Emmet Kirwan brings Dublin Oldschool to the 3Olympia Theatre on September 4 and 5. Tickets are available here.