The Writing On The Wall

Since I ve stopped creating my own art, I ve this great need to create, throw a bit of myself out. This is the start graffiti. (Anonymous graffiti artist Hogan s)

I spent a weekend extending the queues for the ladies toilets in a number of Dublin pubs, taking copious notes of the examples of wit and wisdom scribbled on the walls within. What pressing subjects spur women to reach for their felt-tips to impart their thoughts via the walls of a dimly-lit cubicle? Our survey says . . .
Making your mark: Obviously the majority of toilet wall daubs are of the basic woz ere variety or declarations of love, often by visiting tourists, i.e. Estrella was here and she loved Ramon (Buskers), or Alex is ace by his mum (Eamonn Doran s).

The flower of love may flourish in the most unsavoury places The Upstairs Ladies , Eamonn Doran s.
By far the most popular topic among female graffitists is that ol devil called love. Many are hopelessly confused by it Love is . . . answers please! while others are keen to proffer their views on the matter: The love of a man can never be compared to the love given by friends and family, and ultimately the love you have for yourself . Ode to love to have loved and to have been let down by love is better than to have never loved, Ali-b 99. This inscription in Hogan s elicits varying retorts, from Boring & trite to Love sucks because you expect the bastard to support you in times of trouble and not run screaming like the rat he is. Which brings us neatly to . . .
Men are all the same bastards the writing on the wall in Hogan s ladies lavatory.
Anti-men statements are par for the course, with many a frustration expressed for the world of women to read and sympathise with. Why does he never call? , Why do women take such shit from men? etc. Find, then fuck, then forget them , is one rather ruthless reply.
Another frequent subject for graffiti artists is the merits of a lesbian lifestyle. Being a dyke rules (Stag s Head), Lesbien? Tres bien! (Whelan s), while the following statistics appear in Hogan s: 90% of women fake it, 10% are queer. Does that mean only lesbians have orgasms? There is a surprising lack of graffiti of a sexual nature, and obviously I went around specifically looking for filth (although I didn t venture into the male toilets). The best (or worst) I could come up with is I love my fella s cock big and hard up my arse . . . See the wall of Eamonn Doran s upstairs conveniences for the full text of that one.
The proverbial alcoholics moment of clarity is not a revelation but a fact always known but submerged by denial. It comes to the fore only when the mind is sufficiently retarded by drink. - The effects of alcohol examined in a lucid moment in Whelan s upstairs toilets.
Philosophy: Those who expound their meaning-of-life theories on toilet walls tend to write the lengthiest graffiti messages. (Chronic constipation may be a factor here). This small novelette adorns the last cubicle of Hogan s, What are you all doing with your lives??? Do you really believe all this anal banter, or are you looking for something more? Do you believe in looking for the truth beyond the obvious? Jesus said, Seek and you shall find . . . there is more to life than just the everyday obvious even if you are not religious (which I am) don t stop seeking the truth, wherever your path leads. God bless (Goddess bless).
More profound items also seem to provoke the most vitriolic responses. Consider the following war of wits, also in Hogan s: May I live this day so that when evening comes and I find it had been my last, I should have lived it no differently.
Fucking pretentious cunt!!
I try to educate, you ignorant fuck!
Song lyrics abound: Jeff Buckley s are the most frequently inscribed, followed by The Manic Street Preachers. Also spotted, the following quote attributed to Ani di Franco God help you if you are an ugly girl, of course, too pretty can also be your doom .
Celebrity references fall loosely into three sub-categories: 1. Bands, i.e. Oasis sux , The Cranberries kick ass and (cast your mind back) The Big Geraniums . 2. Dead people: Jeff Buckley is by far the most dearly-departed to be name checked, followed by Princess Diana, and one can still find the odd River Phoenix reference not yet obliterated by the stringent efforts of cleaning fluid and fresh coats of paint. 3. Rides : Gary Oldman is a ride , according to one pub-goer. Al Pacino what a man , adds another, and, most terrifyingly of all, Michael Flatley is the man for me ,(in Hogan s, if you don t believe me).
Assorted madness: other off-the-wall comments include Mr Wanker bouncer looks like Jerry Springer (Eamonn Doran s), while Whelan s boasts the following inscription: Louise loves Eamonn (could you blame her) but is secretly gagging to get into Mick s pants. And she nearly did only she decided that the lisp and the sling were more attractive than the 80 s hairdo.
No wonder the queue for the Ladies is always so bloody long.