The spectacle junkies among you may well be salivating at the prospect of the surreal horrors to be conjured up by a four-hour opening ceremony, but, as far as I can ascertain, the general public s mood as Sydney 2000 approaches is one of pure, unadulterated apathy.

Sure, the hype kicked in weeks ago, but there s been an underlying sense of desperation in the way the 27th Olympiad is being sold to the punters by broadcasters. Not even the wide-eyed looks on the faces of those commentators who ll get to spend three weeks in Oz at the licence-payers expense can mask the grim reality that nobody really gives a flying fuck about what happens in the small hours of the morning on the other side of the world. And that s down to one thing: drugs.
Only two years ago the slimy old fascist who presides over the IOC, Juan Antonio Samaranch (who, incidentally, nurgled his way onto that particularly lucrative ladder via his exemplary performance as head of the Spanish Federation of Roller Skating), expressed the opinion that substances which didn t adversely affect athletes health shouldn t be banned. Naturally enough, this only served to fuel the commonly held perception that a goodly proportion of the top names in track and field events were giving chemically-enhanced performances, but caused consternation amongst high-profile sponsors, who felt that the viewing public were likely to switch off in their millions if they felt they were watching games which were about as realistic as the WWF.
So, a fortnight ago, the go-ahead was given to test for erythropoietin (EPO) and we ve already had 27 Chinese competitors withdraw from Sydney. Added to that, the Uzbekistan coach was nabbed at Sydney airport with 15 vials of human growth hormone (HGH) in his suitcase. Two of the past four men s 100m gold medallists are currently serving drug bans, while a former US coach has publicly claimed that results of dope tests on their senior athletes were effectively hushed up. Yet despite this apparent attempt to crack down on the chemical cheats there are still bound to be serious questions asked of certain competitors.
This country had its eyes opened in Atlanta when the accusations began flying about just how Michelle Smith-de Bruin had achieved such a level at what was (for a female swimmer) a fairly advanced age. Her subsequent four-year ban sickened the spirit of the tournament for every sports fan on this island.
Funnily enough, there are already questions being asked about the Dutch swimmer Inge de Bruijn, who after a decade of middling achievement got herself a new coach and suddenly obliterated three world records, also at a relatively advanced age. You don t need to be a genius to figure out what the poolside press conferences are going to be like should de Bruijn collect gold in the coming weeks.
Of course, should you intend watching a goodly chunk of the games then you ll probably be in need of some illegal substances yourself as Sydney is 10 hours ahead, which means that unmissable events such as the judo preliminaries, the 20km walk and K1 slalom canoeing take place when all sensible folk are either asleep in their beds or talking complete shite in nightclubs. TV coverage is, as you d expect, extensive, with RTE, BBC and Eurosport all devoting vast chunks of their schedules (and budgets) to proceedings. RTE s devotion to duty is such that Rattlebag presenter Myles Dungan has been dispatched to cover the rowing and sailing events on behalf of the nation no greater love, etc.
Amid the plethora of non-events like archery, rifle shooting, weightlifting, baseball, softball, basketball, cycling and tae kwon do there are, strangely enough, one or two activities which actually look promising. The football tournament has a special ring about it, and there s every likelihood that we ll actually get to see the matches this time around, even if it does mean setting your alarm for the ungodly hour of 8am.
Brazil are intent on claiming their first Olympic gold and their squad includes the exciting pair Ronaldinho and Alex. Italy delayed the start of Serie A to give their boys a better chance. Likewise, defending champions Nigeria won t be giving up their title too easily, and the hosts are determined to stake a claim as a future footballing power, even if they ll have to do so without the talents of the injured Harry Kewell. Oddly enough, the football competition kicks off two days before the opening ceremony and is spread between Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Canberra, the latter city s arena rejoicing in the name of Bruce Stadium.
Former BBC Sports Personality Of The Year Princess Anne (was there anything else on the year she won it?) recently said that she felt team sports should be banned from the Olympics as it was all about the individual or some such nonsense. Presumably she didn t intend for her horsey chums to go jumping over those big fences by themselves. So don t forget to set your videos for the ever-riveting thrillfest which is the dressage section of the three-day eventing competition.
But can Sydney 2000 throw up any genuine heroes? Discounting the so-called blue riband event of the Men s 100m (sorry, too many questions) the attention on the track will be focused on Cathy Freeman and Marion Jones. An Aborigine, Freeman has effectively been the official face of Australian athletics in the run-up to the games and a victory in the 400m would not only improve a notch on her performance in Atlanta but focus attention on the disgraceful treatment meted out to her people by successive Australian governments. Jones, on the other hand, is making a daring bid for the record books by attempting to equal the 1924 feat of Paavo Nurmi by scooping five athletics gold medals. She seems a shoe-in for the 100m and 200m along with the respective relay events but could come to grief by going for the long jump as well. We shall see.
One chap destined for massive media attention is the, well, massive Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe. 17 years old, 6 5", size 17 feet (Jesus Christ!), he already holds the 200m and 400m freestyle records and is so far ahead of the competition that the only way he s likely to miss out on gold is if he drowns.
And what of Ireland s prospects? Well, Sonia O Sullivan is still our best hope for medal success in the 5,000m, although she s also determined to have a go at the 10,000m too. Mark Carroll could well get onto the podium in the 5,000m, Susan Smith-Walsh will be hoping that things finally work out for her in the 400m hurdles and there s always the possibility that our rowing and sailing teams might come back with something other than sunburn. But really, does anyone give a monkey s about these pursuits?
Now if we were to concentrate the minds of our young women on the noble art of Beach Volleyball