Still Crashing The same Car

A recent poignant report from the Samaritans has left me feeling sad. Entitled Young Men Speak Out, it paints a sobering picture of what they describe as the "Lads' Culture" and how it has such a damaging effect on the numbers of young men who take their own lives. Every week, at least 12 young men kill themselves in the UK; that's 17 per 100,000. But in Ireland, the figures are much, much worse. 27 per 100,000 young men is the melancholy number. I imagine that includes quite a few readers of this magazine. What is most disturbing is that the rate has increased by 60% in the past ten years.
Some of the stark facts and figures are: 67% of suicidal young men say they have nowhere to turn for emotional help. More than one in three young men who are suicidal would "smash something up" instead of talking about their feelings. Less than one in five young men ask their father for emotional support. 78% of depressed and suicidal young men have experienced bullying.
"Boys are expected to be big and butch" says a 19-year-old who participated in the research. A 16-year-old lad said: "There is no point in telling anyone about it, you've got to take it 'cos they say you've got to be a man and grow up."
Adrienne Katz, co-author of the research, said that it was striking how many said 'Nobody ever asks me how I really feel'. We have to let lads know that it is safe to talk and that they won't be judged by society for being open about their feelings."
The research had asked these young men about gender roles. Two-thirds of those boys who have seriously considered, or have attempted suicide, agree with the statement that "It was easier when roles were clearly separate". These boys develop a front, or outer shell, hiding an inner turmoil.
One boy described what it was like for those like him: "They have to stop this shell from breaking down, keep this mentality they might be incredibly scared people. On a very large scale, a lot of boys who appear totally OK inside are falling apart". Another spoke of lads "dying inside but tough scared to admit to themselves they need help."
Suicidal lads were more likely to have a father who "insists you fight your own battles", if one is around; but 41% of suicidal boys did not have a father living with them, compared to 18% of the group who were not described as suicidal.
A few myths about maleness were identified: 59% of the suicidal group said that "boys are expected to cope with problems themselves" compared with 33% of the others. The influence of peer group pressure is described thus, by one of the 16-year olds surveyed: "A boy can't let his feelings show boys don't do this, men don't do this. You'll get picked on, they'll see you as weak. They won't want to know you."
A 14-year old says: "Eleven year olds are changing to fit in and be real men. With the change to secondary school they get the impression from other boys you're with older people, they don't do this, so you shouldn't. There is a view that they should cop it deal with it themselves. It's a feeling you get and you do what other people do."
Another teenager said: " I won't talk about a lot of things close to my heart with friends. I don't tend to talk about it most boys wouldn't. Boys tend to want to be in a strong position."
There's the link, the real bone-crunching, soul-corroding core of the male curse, that's so hard to break: talking about feelings is a sign of weakness, and men want to feel strong. To be self-contained is to be a man. It starts from a young age and it doesn't go away. I still have it, and sometimes it's a real struggle when I realise that I'm doing it again not talking about how I'm really feeling.
To admit, yet again, that I'm depressed, seems so hard to do; to explain quite how lonely I feel sometimes is next to impossible. When writing in these pages I will usually describe my feelings in the past tense; admitting to all sorts of things, but in the comfort zone of not-now, to reassure you, dear reader, that I'm not in little fragments over the keyboard. As often I am. And, indeed, today is another struggle to cope with the mismatch between how life was supposed to be and how it actually is. Nobody told me it could be this shit sometimes.
One important piece of information from the research offers a glimmer of hope, to those of us who would like there to be less such despair. At least two-thirds of suicidal boys would have liked more education on "relationships and emotional feelings" as opposed to mere sex education. In other words, they'd like, despite the inevitable bollocking that would greet the first poor sod to dare to be vulnerable in class, to learn more about feelings, and to practice talking about them. It would help, of course, if Dads and teachers were there to show a good example, to talk about their emotions, and ask how their kids are feeling every now and again; even if met with a gruff "OK" in response, at least the door is open.
But is it going to get any better? According to a recent report, a forecast has been made by the University of Kent that doesn't paint a rosy future. Men, in the future, are more likely to be single, (In 2010, 40% of households will be composed of a single person) and "to spend their leisure time lounging around their home, washing their take-away curry down with a beer while watching videos or playing computer games" on their own, while single women will enjoy "a full social life, with trips to theatre, cinema, gym, friends and evening classes and in many cases reaping the benefits of psychotherapy."
When are we men going to get our act together? Or are we going to stay stuck on the sofa and slouch idly by as generation after generation of the most sensitive among us decide that a life of quiet desperation is not for them, and choose death instead?
If you need to talk to someone, day or night, call the Samaritans on 1850 60 90 90 (0345 90 90 90 in Northern Ireland)