Given the bouts of inexplicable lunacy which crop up with refreshing regularity in The Beautiful Game (Mick McCarthy's tactical nous and Kevin Keegan's demented self-delusion are already challenging Ally McLeod's 1978 Crackpot Crusade for a spot in the all-time Hall of International Insanity), it's more than surprising that football hasn't provided more material for comedians.
In recent years the output of the Apres Match crew on RTE has been a shining example of the possibilities presented by football (and no, I'm not forgetting Baddiel ... Skinner, merely subjectively striking them from history after the appalling shite they served up on ITV during France 98), but perhaps the character fans can most relate to is The Fast Show's Ron Manager, whose rhetorical ravings are now collected for posterity on Fast Football.
As played by Paul Whitehouse, Ron Manager is an awesome anachronism : a blathering, old school dinosaur whose surreal observations on the modern game blend seamlessly if not exactly logically with nostalgic non sequiters of a half-remembered Golden Age. So who provided the chief inspiration for the character?
"Well," says Whitehouse down the line from, appropriately enough, Wembley Stadium, "there was a bloke called Alec Stock who used to manage Fulham and Luton Town and he had this knack of always answering a question with a question, as well as peppering his speech with phrases that no one outside football would ever use. 'Enduring image' seemed like the sort of thing he'd say, and 'He took that with aplomb' - it's the old thing of working class people imagining they had to speak 'proper' whenever a camera was turned on them. So he's mostly Alec Stock with a bit of Jimmy Hill and Ron Atkinson thrown in, plus, of course, our own flights of fancy.
"Apart from being able to have a go at any aspect of the modern game there's lots of childhood myth involved," continues Paul. "You know, (adopts Ron manager's sepia-tinted tones) 'Small boys, jumpers for goalposts, here's Parkie! Run or you'll be fiddled with, beans on toast, the magic sponge, P.E. teachers watching young boys shower without the fear of recrimination. You know, these days it's all champagne and sarongs, isn't it?' Sorry, I'm prone to slipping into him without warning!"
Featuring brand new sketches written and filmed exclusively for the video, Fast Football's trio of Whitehouse, Mark Williams as his Scottish sidekick ("That bastard Andy Gray. I was to be the token straight-talking Scot on Sky!") and Simon Day as the exasperated anchorman (the scene where he tries to convince his two guests of the statistical probability of homosexuals in the game is priceless) are complemented by match footage from down the years, and not just of the comic variety.
"We did want to put some good football in there too," Whitehouse says, "because that whole howlers and gaffes area has been pretty much done to death at this stage. You'd find yourself dredging up sloppy own goals from the Third Division and while those things are amusing, after about ten minutes you find yourself going 'Enough. I want some proper football!' Which is why there are things like Carlos Alberto's goal in the 1970 final and Maradona's goals against us in 1986 in there. Both of 'em!"
Paul's use of 'us' referring to England confuses me somewhat (although not as much as trying to figure out just who Mark Lawrenson is talking about whenever he drops it into his punditry) as I was under the impression that he was actually Welsh. Should I shoot my researcher?
"We moved from Wales to Enfield when I was four," he explains, "so I grew up in England and would naturally tend to follow them. That said, if England happened to be playing Wales, I'd be up for Wales. And not totally out of pity either. It's a bit odd supporting England these days as nobody can quite figure out what's going on, and that includes Kevin Keegan. I actually found myself willing the Scots on at Wembley because they were the only team trying to play football on the night and England were shockingly bad. In fairness, I wouldn't wish the England manager's job on my worst enemy - er, hang on. No, I would! - because absolutely everybody is on your case. Fans, press, the lot. Mind you, for Keegan to come out and say we can win Euro 2000. Steady on, I can't have that! It'd be nice to go into a tournament as underdogs for a change, although I'm sure it'll all have been pumped up to ridiculous levels by next June."
And finally, what brings Paul Whitehouse to Wembley? I thought they were supposed to start knocking the place down after the England/Scotland game?
"Supplementing my income with a bit of demolition work! Nah, it's a function to launch the video although the place feels like it's a derelict site and as I'm talking to you there are two Japanese tourists taking each other's picture beside the twin towers. All that's missing is the tumbleweed. "Aah.Wembley (Ron's off again!-GB) Dreams, FA Cup a great leveller. Wasn't it? Hairy men reduced to tears over the destination of a piece of leather. Small boys having their picture taken. Twin Towers. Great tragedy. Home of overflowing toilets . . ."
Sorry, have to stop you there, Ron. n
* Fast Football is now available on VVL at an RRP of #14.99.