Old Hayden's almanac

JANUARY
The newly-opened Fianna Fail wing of Mountjoy Prison is to be known as the F Block... The Babycham drink undergoes a major change of the brand’s image, including a very lucrative sponsorship link-up with Babyshambles... The Sunday Independent exclusively reveals that Clodagh and Ger Kean have been seen eating toast for breakfast for the first time in over a week... The Van Morrison Charm School opens on the Falls Road in Belfast, but closes after a row on the opening day... Pete Doherty breaks up... Ian Paisley says “Yes!” …. Elton John tells Woman’s Own magazine he only got married because he was pregnant... RTE goes off the air after an outbreak of Charlie Bird flu... Having survived Christmas, Dustin takes over the 2FM Breakfast Show... Enya is invited to compose the new Irish national anthem... Belfast Airport is to be renamed in honour of George Best, with every passenger receiving a free bottle of champagne... As part of the government’s decentralisation plans, O’Connell Street is to be moved from Dublin to Carrick-On-Shannon... After the success of the Celtic Woman show, the same team assemble the Celtic Children Show to even greater acclaim... In case history repeats itself, Franz Ferdinand cancel a proposed concert in Sarajevo... Appalled at the wanton behaviour of today’s new rock bands, Liam and Noel Gallagher join Family Solidarity...

FEBRUARY
The new Ryanair television campaign has as its theme song the Hothouse Flowers hit song ‘Don’t Go’... A seven year old girl from Portlaoise wins the Young Scientist Of The Year award after answering the age-old question “How long is a piece of string.” The girl told the Midlands Bugle that she found a piece of string on the street and measured it with a ruler... Bono is to star in the new series of the ITV sitcom Drop The Debt Donkey... The Catholic Church introduces mandatory masturbation classes for all priests attending its seminaries in future... A Garda arriving on the scene of an armed robbery decides to telephone Questions and Answers to ask the panel what he should do... Roy Keane is sent off during his first Old Firm game since signing for Glasgow Celtic... The Pope claims he would have read all of the Ferns Report but he had to return it to the Vatican library to avoid being fined... For the tenth year in a row, Willie O’Dea says we must tackle the drugs problem... Colin Farrell wins an Oscar for Best Supporting Drunk... The BCI licenses the first all-women radio station FEM FM... Sonic Youth announce plans to tour as Sonic Pensioners... With revolving capitals now compulsory under EU law, Termonfeckin is this year’s capital of Ireland... A new Irish television station comes on air, playing non-stop episodes of Father Ted... Jim McDaid signs a lucrative contract to drive for the Williams team in Formula 1 motor racing... Bertie Ahern admits that now that his daughter Cecelia is a successful author it’s time he learned to read... With the Glazer Family running out of ready cash, Chelsea buy Manchester United...

MARCH
The Government announces that instead of jail terms, convicted Fianna Fail politicians will serve their sentence in an Irish hospital of their choice... As part of a Europe-wide clampdown, Irish insurance companies are to be charged with offering false and fraudulent premiums... The Sunday Independent exclusively reveals that Clodagh and Ger Kean have been seen watching television together. ... The shortage of priests has inspired FAS to set up some job experience opportunities in several dioceses around the country... RTE change the format for Questions and Answers, dropping the panel and John Bowman to allow Vincent Browne to ask the questions and give the answers... Madonna is knighted in Britain and will in future go under the name Lady Madonna... The Gardai foil plans by Al-Qaeda to attack the Ryder Cup golf event with suicide bombers... Adam Clayton quits U2 in order to present a gardening programme on television... The Minister for Transport announces plans to re-route the River Shannon so that it can by-pass Athlone and enter the sea at Galway Bay... Osama Bin Laden visits his ancestral home in North Kerry. “It’ll be a great shot in the arm for our tourist industry”, says Jackie Healy Rae... There’s uproar on the Joe Duffy Show after a caller reveals that live hares are being used at Shelbourne Park greyhound meets... In order to reduce the death rate in the country, the government intends to close all hospitals... Following the death of Pope Benedict, Elton John scores a major international hit with a reworking of his hit ‘Benny And The Jets’...

APRIL
Thanks to an official go-slow at An Post, daily postal deliveries are more efficient than ever... Following complaints about the oppressive heat at the Athens Olympics, the Marathon event will in future be scheduled as part of the Winter Olympics... Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary is to sponsor Kevin Myers’ new Bastard Of the Week awards... A survey shows that Tommy Fleming is the new black – the new Mary Black that is...The government announces that Daniel O’Donnell CDs will soon be available free from all chemists to any elderly person with a VHI card and a bus pass... Bob Geldof and Terry Wogan announce plans to run for the Irish presidency... British Boy Scoops Eurovision! trumpet the British media after Brian Kennedy triumphs in the Eurovision Song Contest... Irish Ferries lobby for the repeal of anti-slavery laws... The Arts Council stuns the music community with their new plan to support pop and rock music... In order to halt the slide in viewing figures, the new look RTE News will be presented by Podge and Rodge... Following the success of the John Creedon-Ronan Collins programme swap, Vincent Browne is to present the 2FM Chart Show and Ruth Scott will handle all RTE Radio current affairs programmes... Plans are well advanced for the sci-fi movie version of Riverdance starring Brendan Gleeson as Michael Flatley... Irish musicians go on nationwide strike in support of the jailed Cliffs Of Moher buskers... The phone company Meteor sets up a special help line number for people who regularly run up massive phone bills...

MAY
Irish hospitals test out the new Harney, a trolley especially designed for hospital patients... The Sunday Independent exclusively reveals that Clodagh and Ger Kean have been thinking about going on a holiday... With Irish roads becoming increasingly crowded, the National Roads Authority announces that drivers in future will have to book in advance before using any Irish motorway... Mike Hogan returns to publishing with his new magazine. It will specialise in photo spreads of celebrity funerals and will be called Goodbye! … Arcade Fire and the Kaiser Chiefs join forces as the Fire Chiefs... Colin Farrell takes the pledge... Following the achievement by the IRFU in turning Lansdowne Road sideways, the GAA announce plans to turn Páirc Ui Caoimh upside down to facilitate visits by the Australian Rules team... Knock Airport is to be renamed Louis Walsh Airport... Dublin is awash with rumours that the statue of Philip Lynott near Grafton Street has been seen moving. Sightings include him popping into McDaids for a pint and chatting up the chambermaids in the Westbury Hotel... TV3 introduce their new hospital series, I’m A Hospital Patient, Get Me Out Of Here, to be presented by Mary Harney... In a major government re-shuffle, Eddie Hobbs is appointed our new Minister For Finance... Willie O’Dea lands the role of Jesse James in the new bio-pic of the cowboy’s life. He’s also selected to represent Ireland in the shooting events in the next Olympics...

JUNE
As the Irish music industry acknowledges that visual presentation is an increasingly important factor in the Eurovision Song Contest, Ireland’s representatives next year will be Macnas... Paul McCartney and Paddy Reilly join forces to record The Strawberry Fields of Athenry Forever... The new Harney Inn chain of hotels opens in Ireland, offering hospital trolleys instead of beds... Van Morrison sues a company for producing Van Morrison Garden Gnomes without his permission... A visit by Donald Rumsfeld to the UK is interrupted when he’s deported as a terrorist... A new restaurant for Spanish heavy metal fans opens in Cork. It’s to be called Spinal Tapas... Veteran broadcaster Val Joyce takes over 2FM’s Breakfast Show from Ciaran Mac Mathuna... Unable to find suitable scenery in Ireland, the makers of the new version of The Quiet Man plan to film in New Zealand... Under pressure to reduce over-crowding in Dublin hospitals, Mary Harney introduces euthanasia... Minister Martin Cullen is made an honorary member of the Public Relations Institute and given a special award for his services to the industry... Irish flat racing horses go on strike to highlight their demand for the same drugs their show jumping rivals receive... The Glazer Family take over Shamrock Rovers... The EuroMillions jackpot winner Dolores McNamara buys the Glazer Family... New BCI guidelines mean that Gerry Ryan will be allowed a limited quota of swear words per programme...

JULY
There are reports of passengers suffering from deep vein thrombosis after delays on the Dublin-Westport train... The Sunday Independent exclusively reveals that Clodagh and Ger Kean have been seen in the same room together... The Strokes perform as the house band at the Fianna Fail Ard Fheis... Ryanair’s new Summer promotion offers massive discounts to customers who bring their own seats... Former Minister of State at the Department of Transport Ivor Calelly claims he has not yet resigned from his post and that he has the full support of the Taoiseach... The bilingual Eleanor McEvoy is to present the new television search for Ireland’s trad stars of the future, to be called Diddly Idol... Ryanair introduce the first ever “standing room only” passenger flights... Barry McGuigan and Stephen Collins are called up to play for the Irish team in the Rules matches against Australia... A New Orleans cemetery specially built for victims of Hurricane Katrina is to be named in honour of George Bush... Former Irish soccer manager Brian Kerr takes over the management of Kerry Katona... Irish farmers claim they could grow far bigger yields of organic vegetables if only they were allowed use fertilisers on them... Michael Jackson gives up his fascination with children and becomes a Catholic priest... The new Rory Gallagher model of air guitar comes on the market and proves hugely popular... Schoolkids are rumoured to be dealing in Rubex tablets in north Dublin schools...

AUGUST
After being stalked all summer by a Sunday World photographer, Charlie Bird seeks asylum in the Nigerian Embassy... RTE’s Miriam O’Callaghan wins an Oscar for Most Evangelical Christian Performance for her totally uncritical television coverage of the Pope’s death last year... Red Bull announce plans to sponsor the Horizontal Bungee Jumping Championships in Maynooth... Determined to eliminate known breeding grounds for Islamic terrorists, George Bush claims he intends to bomb Leeds in Yorkshire... The Moving Hearts reunion goes into over-drive with Big Tom set to take the place of both Christy Moore and Mick Hanly... Millstreet starts its campaign to be selected to host the 2016 Olympic Games... Before his first interview with Hot Press, Tony Blair agrees to undergo a lie detector test. And fails... As part of the government’s plan to reduce obesity, passengers on planes, trains and buses will in future be charged according to weight... GAA clubs all over the country are replaced by lap-dancing clubs in a big take-over by Peter Stringfellow... The Thrills take out American citizenship and sign a lucrative sponsorship deal with a California wine company... Former bassist Bill Wyman starts his own Rolling Stones tribute band... Every musician who was ever in Thin Lizzy joins up for a mammoth tour of the world to commemorate the 20th anniversary of Philip Lynott’s death...

SEPTEMBER
Irish indie label Trust Me I’m A Thief tie up a major sponsorship deal with a top Irish bank... HMV open Ireland’s first ever drive-in DVD store... A Prime Time special on RTE reveals that Bertie Ahern once kept a promise... The Sunday Independent exclusively reveals that Clodagh and Ger Kean have not had an argument at all this month... Minister Michael McDowell announces plans to introduce military conscription in the IRA for repeat ASBO offenders... Margaret Thatcher is to be charged with war crimes at the International Court in The Hague in relation to supplying Saddam Hussein with weapons and training... For the forthcoming Stormont election campaign, Sinn Fein adopt the slogan “McGuinness Is Good For You”. Paul sues... Mickey Mouse replaces Damon Albarn in Gorillaz... Future contenders for places in any of Ireland’s international sports teams will have to undergo a geography test... Chelsea now own all the teams in the English Premiership... The Chieftains record an album with Goldie Lookin’ Chain... Eminem agrees to do a free gig in Slane to make up for his cancellation of last year’s concert... Ireland play their first competitive soccer match at home under new manager Kevin Keegan, but nobody turns up... Tony Fenton rejoins 2FM and is now Ireland’s highest paid broadcaster... The Catholic Church nominates media magnate Rupert Murdoch for fast-tracking for sainthood...

OCTOBER
RTE’s new Winter schedule contains a new series on Irish ghosts under the name Joe Duffy The Vampire Slayer... Plans to introduce rules into Gaelic Football are thwarted by a vicious campaign lead by the Fermanagh County Board... Ryan Tubridy is chosen to present RTE’s new reality television show, I’m On A Hospital Trolley, Get Me Out of Here! … Special permission is granted by the BCI to allow individual TV3 newsreaders to read two sentences in succession... For her next reggae album Sinéad O’Connor records a version of the Thin Lizzy hit ‘Whiskey In The Jah’... Justice Minister Michael McDowell admits he currently represents the biggest threat to the State... Following the success of his recent attempt at speaking Spanish at a Madrid press conference, David Beckham decides to tackle English next... Christy Hennessy raises his voice, but only once... Refusing to allow a statue of him designed by John Rocca to be sited by Belfast Corporation on Cypress Avenue in Belfast, Van Morrison insists that he can stand there himself... All-girl Irish band Jade are banned from Irish radio stations after repeatedly using foul language on air while promoting their new album Read Between The Fucking Lines, You Total Bastard Arsehole... Colin Farrell publishes his autobiography called My Body Is My Temple (But My Mind Is My Temple Bar)... After various rows between the band and manager Louis Walsh, the only member of Boyzone to be reunited is Shane Lynch... Fans hold a vigil outside the home of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones after rumours that the couple might be going out shopping were posted on the Internet...

NOVEMBER
As the number of people in Ireland speaking Chinese now exceeds those speaking Irish, the Government closes TG4 and replaces it with Channel 34 With Curry Sauce.... The Sunday Independent exclusively reveals that Clodagh and Ger Kean have not been invited to take part in I’m A Complete Nonentity, Get Me Out Of Here... Ryanair’s new promotion offers massive discounts to customers who agree not to turn up at all after paying for their tickets in full... Liverpool goalie Jerzy Dudek lands a key role in Riverdance after his impressive display in the shoot-out against AC Milan... A Civil Servant promoted upstairs demands disturbance money... The top five positions in the US singles charts are held by different versions of Brendan Graham’s ‘You Raise Me Up’, including a German marching band version, a version by a children’s xylophone orchestra, and the number one by Metallica ... In order to alleviate traffic problems in Dublin city, toll booths are set up in the busiest streets... An outbreak of green and yellow flu sees traffic wardens go on strike for the first time ever. The strikers claim their action has the full support of the public... Environmentalists campaign to have Ireland’s first incinerator built beside the house of the Minister For The Environment... A new law makes it compulsory to teach Islam in Irish schools...

DECEMBER
An IMRO survey shows that most Irish songwriters have stopped writing songs and are instead concentrating their efforts on composing ringtones... Horslips claim to have been the only Irish folk rock group that Terry Woods never played with... The Sunday Independent scraps its Christmas issue in favour of a special on the Christmas shopping plans of Clodagh and Ger Kean... EMI top the DVD charts this Christmas with a compilation of the Best of Martin King’s Weather Forecasts... TV3 introduce their new series Big Sister to find Ireland’s most popular nun. Miriam O’Callaghan will be the presenter... In a new bid to tackle crime, repeat offenders are to be sentenced to serve time on The Panel... Auditions start for places in the new tribute band to play songs written by Mundy. The new band will be called Tuesdy... MCD announce plans for the key event in their 2007 summer schedule, the Battery Operated Picnic, to take place at the Wind Farm at Carnsore Point... English DJ Jimmy Saville is rejected as a possible recruit to present a programme on 2FM on the grounds that he’s not old enough... Hundreds of thousands of unplayed showband records from the ‘60s are excavated in the midlands during the building of a new incinerator, casting doubts on the accuracy of charts of that era... The Irish Independent group launch a new free publication to be given away with the free publication they launched last month... Bertie Ahern delivers his Christmas message. It’s a pound of round mince, a half dozen eggs and a morning paper with the racing results in it...