Old Hayden's Almanac

January

The Garda Siochana began a nationwide search for any person who truly believes that no Garda could identify any other Garda when they rioted on the Dublin streets in 2002… Irish Rugby Officials start to sell advertising space on their suits, ties and sheepskin coats… Riverdance – The Board Game is launched… The PPI present EMI Records boss Willie Kavanagh with a special radio for his contribution to the war on copyright theft… A Government minister admits he left an unpaid drinks bill in the Dail Bar for ten years… Plans for a BBC tv series to put together the Worst Ever Pop Band are scrapped when it’s pointed out that RTE have already used that particular idea… The FAI appoint Sky TV boss Rupert Murdoch as the new national soccer team manager. Speculation mounts that he will appoint Homer Simpson are his assistant… RTE get their license fee increase in return for amalgamating Radio 1 and 2FM… Picturehouse are to have a cinema named after them… A fracas at a wedding in Leitrim is blamed on members of the local cumann of Al-Qaeda… Frank Dunlop fails to show up at the Flood Tribunal because it’s raining…

February

Wrigleys introduce the first ever chewing gum equipped with a built-in silencer… Irish record companies blame falling record sales on it not being a leap year… The Chieftains join forces with Slipknot for their new album of hardcore trad… The increasing population on the eastern half of the country is causing the island to tilt into the sea. As a result, anyone weighing more than 12 stone is moved to Connaught… David Gray takes out Irish citizenship… Random Drug Tests in English football are to be extended to include club chairmen… Podge and Rodge are arrested for importing illegal sex toys into Ballygamash… Sotheby’s auction the very stone on which the first ever Irish traditional musician sat to play the very first Irish tune… After a Government Minister issues a truthful statement, several of his colleagues resign in protest… In a move that takes the football world by surprise, Murdoch appoints Eamon Dunphy as Assistant Manager. “Rupert is a lovely man,” Dunphy comments. “He’s a warrior and a winner. And he refuses to show The Muppets on Sky. Together, I think we can bring Roy Keane back into the Irish set-up”… With Cigarette Prices heavily hit by the new budget, the Government promise to look at plans to assist first time buyers… Jackie Healy-Rae is officially declared a national monument. Plans to put him on a plinth in Killarney have to be abandoned when it’s discovered he’s still alive…

March

The ’50s revival gets under way… Bord Failte admits that the growing number of Irish paedophile priests in Ireland, UK, USA and Canada is damaging our international image and is contributing to the fall in tourist numbers… Louis Walsh admits to a British tabloid that only one of the Carter Twins was related to the other one… The National Swimming Championships take place at Tolka Park, in what has become Ireland’s first natural Olympic-size swimming pool… Charlie Haughey appears in a tv commercial for a new campaign to help those with memory loss… Smirnoff launches its latest product Smirnoff Green in time for Paddy’s day… EMI’s Willy Kavanagh announces plans for the label’s new series of promotional albums linked to dance clubs that don’t exist… The Ark in Temple Bar is flooded for 40 days and 40 nights… Following the introduction of controversial new road signs in Dublin, Minister Seamus Brennan gets lost on his way to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade… Eamon Dunphy to feature in a new series of drink driving commercials… Mary Harney is injured in a bizarre bungee jumping accident… Boris Yeltsin flies back to Ireland to officially open a new bar at Shannon Airport… The Irish music industry attributes its most profitable ever visit to Midem to the withdrawal of support from Enterprise Ireland… In a surprise move, RTE launches a new pop station 3FM…

April

The latest Hollywood blockbuster is based on the story of how the Americans were the real heroes of the Easter Rising… With hotel bookings at an all-time low, the Irish Hotels Federation decides to sue the Catholic Church for loss of earnings… Irish record companies blame the blustery weather for falling sales… Ronan Keating complains that he hasn’t yet been canonised by The Pope… A scientific study shows that Major Climate Change in Ireland is due to an increase in hot air emanating from Leinster House. Fianna Fail TD Dick Roche appears to be the main culprit… After further claims that the Government hid plans for cutbacks during the general election campaign, Charlie McCreevy offers to undergo a polygraph test… However, owing to budget cutbacks, there are no polygraph machines available… In an attempt to crack the J-Lo market, Louis Walsh changes Samantha Mumba’s name to S-Mu… Daniel O’Donnell is involved in major tabloid scandal after he’s photographed drinking coffee… After a fierce internal row, the FACE organisation splits into two factions, Official FACE and Egg On FACE… Music sales receive a temporary boost as music fans start replacing their CDs with DVDs… In a bid to snatch vital advertising revenue from Sky TV, RTE announces that its panel of experts will comment on Irish soccer matches even though the station can’t show them…

May

Minister for Tourism John O’Donoghue says that he now plans to use the same methods to attract tourists to Ireland as he did to make immigrants and political refugees feel welcome… Dustin the Turkey is selected to replace Eamon Dunphy on the RTE panel of pundits. “He knows at least as much about football as Rupert Murdoch,” an RTE spokesperson says… The Government abolishes the one cent and two cent coins… Police are on the look-out for a Renault Megane believed to be terrorising pedestrians in North Dublin… Irish Songwriters campaign to boycott American music until they receive their proper royalties for the USA… The bank holiday is ruined when a pitched brawl takes place on Brighton beach between opposing dance music factions after a series of catastrophic results, Rupert Murdoch is saced as Irish manager… A national day of mourning is declared after the death of Fungi The Dolphin, but a remote-controlled animatronic version ensures the tourists still flock to Dingle… Using the principal of recycling, the Green Party re-install Trevor Sergent as leader…

June

The ’90s Revival gets under way… Irish record companies blames the ozone layer for falling sales… The new Daniel O’Donnell tour will not now be sponsored by Barry’s Tea… A man falls in front of the first LUAS tram and dies. This leads to a new safety campaign entitled: ‘LUAS Talk Costs Lives’… Labour leader Pat Rabbitte refuses to attend a hare coursing event… Irish farmers threaten to boycott Dublin night clubs until they remove the foot and mouth mats… The Government steps in to indemnify the Catholic Church against any damages claims by the hoteliers… A tape discovered by the CIA and thought to be the latest communication from Osama Bin Laden turns out to be a news bulletin from Lyric FM…

July

David Kitt gets into serious trouble with his Dad after he signs a major sponsorship deal with Rizla… In a desperate bid to rescue our fading Euro bid, Roy Keane is appointed player-manager of the Irish soccer team. He dismisses Eamon Dunphy from his role as Assistant Manager. “He’s a good mate,” Keane says, “but I told him to fuck off because he got me into enough trouble with the autobiography.” In a move that is applauded in Cork, he appoints Jimmy Barry Murphy as his assistant… As a tribute to the former Bishop Comiskey, the small town of Ferns is to twinned with Bangkok… Seamus Brennan’s new plan for Dublin’s traffic includes having every street one-way, in a different direction every day… Lyric FM news broadcasts are to be enhanced by the use of sub-titles… Irish travel customers are amazed to find that a special offer advertised in the media is actually available… As listenership figures drop at RTE, Marian Finucane calls Joe Duffy’s Lifeline and they both call round to Gerry Ryan’s show to discuss the dilemma… The Angelus is extended to three minutes after a special dance remix by Paul Oakenfold…

August

Network 2 sign up Van Morrison and Michelle Rocha for a Meet The Osbournes style fly on the wall documentary series… Irish record companies blame the end of the cricket season for falling sales… Trains to the Midlands are disrupted after vandals drop chocolate bar wrappers on the line… Mick McCarthy takes over as Chief Executive of the FAI and dismisses Roy Keane as manager. “Jimmy Barry Murphy will continue in a caretaker role,” he explains… Charlie McCreevy’s budget is shortlisted for a major fiction award… After having been described by a Canadian politician as a moron, George W Bush visits Ireland to trace his ancestry… Osama Bin Laden is also found to have Irish ancestry, having changed to his post Islamic-conversion name from his real name of Sammy ‘The Bin” Leyden… The Irish Music Industry launches the Free Willy campaign… A new 2FM campaign centred on Ryan Tubridy and Dave Fanning claims 2FM is the fastest radio station in the world… Shane McGowan replaces Shane Filan in Westlife… The inaugural World Karaoke Championships take place at Slane…

September

The Irish music industry organises Deaf Aid, a fund-raising gig for Enterprise Ireland… A major copyright row ensues when The Angelus is released as a single… The latest car-park in Cork, originally to be named in honour of Roy Keane, will now be called Saipan… The All-Ireland Hurling Final lasts for four days on account of a go-slow by the Cork team… The Abrakebabra chain of fast-food cafes denies it’s a front for the Al-Qaeda network… Tom Dunne’s Pet Sounds programme on Today FM scores a major sponsorship deal with Pedigree Chum… Enya and Ronnie Drew link-up for a world tour… Guinness launch their new creation. Called Australia, it’s a white drink with a black head… Charlie Landsborough begins his Miracle tour of religious sites including Knock, Fatima, Lourdes and Medjegorje…

October

After auditioning thousands as possible replacements for their departed drummer, The Frames plump for Caroline Corr… Irish record companies blame the high cost of Halloween Masks for falling sales… The government announces that the year 3002 will be the Year of the Dyslexic… Ray Burke is arrested for drawing a line in the sand without planning permission… Following the arrest of Cardinal Connell, Sinéad O’Connor pulls out of a charity gig to take over as Archbishop Of Dublin… Willie O’Dea says we must tackle the drug problem… Pat Rabbitte says we must tackle Willie O’Dea… The PPI Radio Awards panel vote Phantom FM ‘Radio Station Of The Year”… Cork’s latest contribution to the rock world is an all-female band called The Sultanas of Ping… A non-Northern Ireland broadcaster deputises for Mystery Train presenter John Kelly on Radio 1 during his holidays… The Pope declares himself a Saint… After scoring a seven-figure sponsorship deal, David and Victoria Beckham name their third child Kentucky Fried Chicken Beckham…

November

Asked to explain why he took 15 hours to complete the Dublin City Marathon, a Dublin taxi driver explains that he had to go via Balbriggan… A national day of mourning is announced after Ireland fails to qualify for the European Championships. Jimmy Barry Murphy is sacked and Ollie Byrne takes over as manager… The Irish pub business is rocked when a barman wins an action for compensation for health damage suffered while working in a smoky environment… According to the BCI, RTE Radio 1 is now the only Irish-owned radio station in Ireland… The Pope canonises Niall Quinn… Aer Rianta announce details of their special Christmas offer: all the cigars and drinks you want and ten years to pay! ... Thousands die in a stampede in Clare after weather forecasters predict possible appearance of the sun in Lahinch… Tony McMahon officially pronounces that traditional Irish music is dead… A Sunday Times review of the new Christy Moore album describes him as Ireland’s answer to Val Doonican…

December

A man is employed by the Arts Council… TV3 replace weatherman Martin King with a Weather Bunny in a panic measure intended to drive the station up-market… After a visit from an Australian radio doctor, Dave Fanning is ordered to instigate a go-slow and given a reduced quota of words to be used between records… The provisional wing of EMI Records (Irish branch) prepares for the Christmas market with a compilation album of rebel songs. It will be called The Best Of The Continuity Wolfe Tones. Responding to the floods that have completely submerged the inner city, Dublin Corporation claims its equipment failed because the rain was far wetter this year than expected… Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary wins the coveted Courtesy and Modesty in Industry Award… George Bush explains that he appointed Henry Kissinger to head up an investigation into US security lapses because Slobodan Milosevic was otherwise engaged… The Edge, having changed his name to The Hedge, is now presenting TG4’s main gardening programme… The Irish record industry closes down and goes into the pirate radio business. Willie Kavanagh becomes chairman of the new governing body, which is still called PPI (Pirate Performance Ireland)…