Old Hayden's Almanac 2002

In these uncertain times, we must tread with care. We must look to sources of wisdom greater than our own, and heed the advice of those whose gift of vision is clearer and more far-reaching than ours.

And thus we say, do not dare leave the house at any time in 2002 without first consulting Old Hayden's Almanac. To do so, put frankly, is to take one's life in one's hands. It is foolhardiness of the utmost register. It is an act of flagrant disregard for the very substance of human existence. It is no less an act of blatant and instant self-harm than it would be to dispatch one's own head using an unwashed pizza slicer. And sure why would you want to do that, when the highs and lows of 2002 - the thrills (Osama bin Laden joins the Dubliners)... chills (John Waters condemning loose-cannon toddlers for acts of domestic violence)... and spills (Who Wants to be A Millionaire contestant Mary Harney unable to locate a friend who will answer the phone)... are laid out for you nice and pretty like this?

Get out your biros and daily planners... and enjoy 2002 safe in the knowledge that, metaphorically speaking of course), you will always know what time it is.* Let's be careful out there.

January ("Passengers arriving at Dublin Airport complain at having to walk to the arrivals hall via Dundalk and then having to take a taxi to the long-stay car park")

February ("Trad bands are still refusing to accept payment for gigs in Euro")

March ("Samantha Mumba publishes her autobiography with ten of the eleven chapters devoted to her feud with Twink")

April ("Britney Spears stars in her first porno flick")

May ("The Irish Music Board publishes a report recommending that another report be commissioned to look at why the report was necessary in the first place")

June ("Mary Coughlan is to star in the remake of the film 'Sunday Fuckin' Jaysus Bastardin' Sunday Me Bollix'")

July ("Jack L is signed up to play the role of Aidan Walsh in a major Irish biopic")

August ("Angela's Ashes author Frank McCourt returns to Limerick to discover it has stopped raining")

September ("B*Witched reform, only to find that nobody had noticed they had broken up")

October ("Warners appoint their first ever Irish-born MD")

November ("Tony Blair is granted honorary US citizenship")

December ("The Revs' cover of Aidan Walsh's 'Rock My Brainy Head' tops the Irish Christmas charts")

* Actual knowledge of time not guaranteed