Old Hayden's 2004 Almanac

JANUARY

The Government’s policy of decentralisation continues with the opening of lifeboat stations in Mullingar, Tullamore, Portarlington and seven in Charlie McCreevy’s constituency… Paddy Power Bookmakers opens a book on the number of costume changes Diana Ross will make during her March gig at The Point… The Dublin Spike is removed and replaced by the Bertie Ahern Memorial Fence… Justice Minister Michael McDowell introduces a law to stop politicians leaking information to journalists… As the world’s fuel stocks begin to run out, elderly people, suffering from the worst winter in decades, are advised to burn their old Sting albums… Ryanair announce plans to serve meals on their planes. The first course on their menu will be Michael O’Leary’s homemade humble pie… Samantha Mumba declares herself a candidate for the next Presidential elections… In an attempt to halt failing record sales, record companies campaign to encourage music fans to switch back to vinyl… The latest JNLR survey shows that more people listen to Lyric FM on a Sunday afternoon than buy chips from Beshoff’s on a Tuesday morning. Everybody believes the findings…

FEBRUARY

Supported by a grant from Enterprise Ireland, Michael Jackson extends his new baby-sitter service to this country… RTE introduces No Discus, the station’s brand new tv show about Olympic field events… Political news bunny Ursula Halligan quits TV3 to take the lead role in the re-make of the film Mary Poppins… Our Minister For Traffic Jams and Road Delays Seamus Brennan unveils his new national roads plan. It’s based on a new policy of building by-passes first and then finding suitable villages to be built alongside them. He has also agreed that all future traffic problems will be handed over to Today FM’s Ray Darcy’s Fix It Friday team… Faced with plummeting record sales, all remaining major record companies merge into one company… With smoking banned in pubs, the public are now being warned about the dangers of being out in the open air… The Catholic Church initiates weekly apologies to the victims of paedophile priests… Phil Coulter is shot by a dissatisfied You’re A Star entrant who had been criticised by the panel. As a result, the programme is scrapped and Ireland will be represented at Eurovision by Aidan Walsh…

MARCH

Inspired by his hero George W Bush, Minister John O’Donoghue’s war on tourism continues to gain momentum… After recording a Cat Stevens song, Puff Daddy converts to Islam and changes his name from P Diddy to Puff Baghdaddy… After yet another death of a patient left to die on a hospital trolley, the Minister For Health is charged with manslaughter… There are major celebrations nationwide as Michael Lowry’s pal Denis O’Brien makes a brief return visit to Ireland… After the scrapping of his TV3 show Eamon Dunphy takes over the Den on Network 2 and renames the programme Dunphy’s Den. This prompts Gay Byrne to say that Dunphy is unwise to take on such a seasoned campaigner as Bosco… Ronan Keating records a cover version of ‘Louie Louie’ as a tribute to his former manager… Following the success of the tv series, Dublin Corporation officially changes the name of Bachelor’s Walk to Eoghan Holmes Boulevard… Mundy changes his name to Tusday…

APRIL

The Music Board Of Ireland finally get to meet the Minister For The Arts… Sunday Independent columnist Eoghan Harris claims that President Mary McAleese doesn’t know her aras from her elbow… Dublin becomes the first Irish city to elect a black Lord Mayor… Meanwhile, as a result of massive immigration to the county, the Roscommon gaelic football team is now comprised exclusively of Brazilians… Joe Duffy enrols in Ticketmaster Anonymous in order to receive treatment for his addiction to talking to people about concert ticket prices… Rosemary Dana Browne claims that if God is to be written into the EU constitution then the Devil should also be included… In order to combat crime in Limerick, Minister Michael McDowell introduces conscription to the county and announces the setting up of the Limerick Fusiliers… In line with recent Euro currency changes, U2 are forced to change their name to U2.54…

MAY

IRMA introduce Children’s Charts for both singles and albums… An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern is expected to make a decision round about now, provided Mary Harney remembers to reminds him… There are widespread reports of breathalyser equipment going on fire apparently because, as further price rises begin to take effect, Irish drivers are finding it cheaper to drink petrol instead of alcohol… Cork Corporation starts building a fall-out shelter for married couples who don’t get on any more… A cash-strapped Minister For Education is forced to introduce the Misuse Of Apostrophes Act in order to raise badly needed funds… A forty year old man accuses the Government of age discrimination because they won’t give him an old-age pension… All the teams in the English Premiership are now owned by foreign investors, except Leeds United which has been won by a Manchester United fan in a raffle…

JUNE

2,000 Irish priests join SIPTU and threaten strike action if the church doesn’t alter its policy on paedophile priests… The Luas is now called the Louis as a tribute to Louis Walsh… An entire month passes without a news story emerging about government corruption… A member of Ryanair’s staff helps a member of the public. Michael O’Leary claims he has set up an internal investigation... A major policy change is announced by Fianna Fail. From now on, party members will be barred from wearing each other’s suits… Ronan Keating lands the leading role in the new biopic of Daniel O’Donnell entitled More Tea, Bishop? ... Since all rap artists have now been shot, the genre disappears from the music scene… The Lisdoonvarna Festival starts its own countrywide tour… Pat Kenny’s radio show introduces a new spot for politicians called The Weekly Lie-In during which Irish politicians join Pat live in the studio to tell his listeners another bunch of lies… Meanwhile, all contributors to Oireactas Report will from now on have to undergo lie-detector tests… Hibernian Insurance announce details of their new premium rates for suicide bombers…

JULY

An Tanaiste Mary Harney flies to Baltimore on the first leg of her campaign to have Ireland made the 51st state of the USA… On learning that members of Al Qaeda had been living in New York, George Bush declares the USA to be part of the axis of evil and demands immediate regime change… Concerned about the increase in under-age drinking, the Gardai are given new powers to breathalise kids riding tricycles… The Minister For Health exempts the waiting rooms of maternity hospitals from the recent ban on smoking… Irish Times journalist Kevin Myers claims the country is now being run by foreign nationals who are all single mothers, including the men… The Jehovah’s Witnness Festival will this year take place in Knock. But in line with their marketing policy, tickets can only be bought in pairs, and Joe Duffy is incensed… Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley lay aside their differences to record a charity remake of the Talking Heads hit ‘Road To Nowhere’… After the shock resignation of Michael Howard, Tony Blair is rumoured to be in the running for the position of Conservative party leader… Leinster House is to be turned into a theme park…

AUGUST

The Taoiseach claims that Ireland’s new Olympic-size swimming pool gives us a great chance in the solo synchronised swimming events… Seamus Heaney opens the new Eminem Summer School in Termonfeckin… American rapper Snoopy Doggy Dog discovers he’s Irish and changes his name to the Wild Rapperee… Glen Hansard replaces Ryan Tubridy as presenter of the Rose Of The Tralee television show… The PPI, IMRO, MCPS, RAAP, IRMA, IBEC, ISME, BCI and the IFPI are to join forces in one major organisation to be called The Alphabet Society… Work on the new M2 linking Cork and Belfast is halted when archaeologists find a set of medieval traffic lights outside Tullamore… Promoter Oliver Barry announces details of a fundraiser gig for his old pal Ray Burke… The underwater version of Riverdance is launched by An Taoiseach in Dingle… Education pundits are in uproar after Maynards announce details of a Wine Gum Tasting project for secondary schools. Jackie Healy Rea says that wine gums are the thin edge of the wedge. “Next thing the kids will be eating macaroon bars, “ he warned an Oireactas committee…

SEPTEMBER

George W Bush enters the Guinness Book of Records after checking into hospital in the USA for the shortest brain scan in medical history… Thousands take up passive smoking after a new report claims it is less harmful than previously thought… Brooklyn Beckham publishes his first biography… Following research by an American medical institution proving that Guinness is good for you, the product will shortly be available on prescription… To combat the escalating violence in Limerick, Minister Michael McDowell introduces conscription in the Munster area. His wife Niamh Brennan will be in charge of recruitment… 2FM morning jock Ryan Tubridy speaks an entire sentence without interrupting himself… In a cunning plan to halt plummeting record sales, Irish record companies start giving away free copies of old Sunday newspapers with new releases… Admitting he’s bored saving the world every week, Bono quits U2… Having changed its policy to “reduce all taxes and increase all allowances”, The Green Party steam ahead in the opinion polls… During an anti-fox hunting debate, an incensed Mildred Fox chases Pat Rabbitte round the Dail chamber…

OCTOBER

As Tony Blair converts to Islam, Britain is faced with the likelihood of being ruled by Cheria Law… The new TV3 series I’m A TV Viewer Get Me Out Of Here hits the screens… A Cork mother refuses to let her son work on the Dublin Port Tunnel because her husband the doctor says it’s a dead-end job… TV 3 introduces another new reality tv series. It’s a search for the most talented member of An Garda Siochana and will be called Cop Idol… Minister Michael Martin announces plans to introduce new legislation to combat passive drinking in pubs… After the latest round of prices increases, An Post promise to deliver a letter to any house in Ireland within a week… Purchasers of the new Daniel O’Donnell video return copies to shops on the grounds that he’s nowhere near as good as his impersonators… In the latest budget, the Government doubles the cost of a Poetic License… Drink Driving League Tables show Fianna Fail well ahead of the other parties. “It’s enough to drive you to drink”, says a beleaguered Bertie Ahern…

NOVEMBER

EMI Records spearhead their Christmas CD campaign with an album featuring the highlights of RTE’s weather forecasts for the last ten years… The Pope announces his Saints Of The Year Awards… The nation is stunned beyond comprehension when it’s revealed that the contract to finish the Dublin Port Tunnel goes to a company with Fianna Fail connections… As a result of the go-slow by the Irish Musicians Union, a performance by the RTE Symphony Orchestra at the National Concert Hall takes four days to complete… The soundtrack for the Iarnrod Eireann’s new tv commercial will feature Bob Dylan’s ‘You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere’… An entire RTE Radio 1 programme is broadcast without being read out… An intensive investigation is launched… Vegetarian car owners threaten to boycott the Red Cow Roundabout, Bull Island and Lamb’s Cross… Louis Walsh is honoured for his services to the Swedish Music Industry… Retired 2FM jock Tony Fenton opens Ireland’s first ever DJ University… Striking building workers are refusing to come out of a big hole they’ve dug in Middle Abbey Street. Dublin Corporation claim they need to re-possess the hole as they want to move it to Stephens Green…

DECEMBER

Marian Finucane quits RTE and takes over The Last Word on Today FM… Balding Fine Gael TD Michael Lowry applies to Tipperary County Council for retension of his hair extensions… The Late Late’s Show’s toy show introduces viewers to the new Taoiseach Doll. You wind it up and it says and does absolutely nothing. Batteries are not included… In response to the floods that have completely submerged the inner city, Dublin Corporation claims the rain was far wetter this year than expected… Beat FM plays a record by a south-east act during daylight hours. The BCI launch an inquiry… Sinéad O’Connor starts a mammoth world tour of world capitals to explain why she doesn’t want any more publicity… Fianna Fail activists, upset at the total exclusion of Charlie Haughey from a new Irish history, are asking, “Who actually won the Battle Of Clontarf, then?”... Guinness sponsor the opening of the first Irish pub in Ireland. “Irish pubs have become hugely popular all over Europe, so opening one in Ireland was long overdue, says a spokesman.”... George W Bush claims that the USA will find Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction…