Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
Anyone who wears shorts socially in the winter.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Jesus, but knowing him he probably won’t turn up.

Favourite saying?
You call that a parsnip!

Favourite record?
Lil’ Beethoven – Sparks.

Favourite book?
Anything by The Happy Pear brothers, as it makes excellent kindling.

Favourite film?
In Bruges, as I was recently in Bruges.

Favourite author?
Edgar Allan Poe.

Favourite actor / actress?
Veronica Lake.

Favourite musician?
David Byrne.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Singing along just that little bit too loudly at a Pavarotti gig.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
Pint of Guinness & a whiskey chaser.

TV programme?
Inside No. 9.

Favourite TV personality?
That’s a contradiction in terms.

Favourite item of clothing?
My leopard print shoes.

Most desirable date?
The 17th of August. Lovely innit.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Watching Irish TV as it always puts me to sleep.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
I’d probably be institutionalised by now.

Biggest thrill?
Writing a new joke and then telling it.

Biggest disappointment?
Denmark.

Your concept of heaven?
A long bath with my favourite records playing.

Your concept of hell?
Sharing a long bath with David Beckham and I’m at the end with the taps.

What would be your dying words?
Pull my finger…

Greatest ambition?
Hoping this interview will help me sell more live tickets.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
The ‘70s to see great live music.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?
A shy but curious tit.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
Hollyoaks omnibus and a bottle of Buckfast.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
Myself… obviously.

Favourite term of abuse?
You fucker.

Biggest fear?
The blank page.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
The wheel, of course, which shaped a lot of our advances in technology.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
The first draft of the wheel, which was originally in the shape of Italy. An absolute waste of fucking time.

• Martin Angolo plays Wicklow’s Whale Theatre on Saturday June 17th. Tickets here.

Read more in the new issue of Hot Press, out now.