It Started On The Late Late Show

Although the longest-running chat show in television history approaches the final curtain-call in May it shows no sign of going gently towards its last Goodnight.
Over the years The Late Late Show genuinely dragged the country kicking and screaming into something resembling the 20th Century, and even if it has, of late, drifted into the kind of product-placement you come across on shopping channels in the wee small hours there s nothing like a bout of controversy to set the tabloid blood boiling.
Last month it was the turn of Ding Dong Denny O Reilly and The Hairy Bowsies to enter the list of legendary Late Late Lucifers, following their performance of Bless Me Father on the programme. The song finds Ding Dong unburdening himself of acts committed under the influence of gallons of gargle and seeking absolution, which, the last time we checked, was his right as a good Catholic. With an honesty which would alarm Alanis Morissette, Mr. O Reilly admits to going to mass in his mother s dress, pissing on a penguin in Dublin zoo, shoving a rasher up the arse of a kangaroo, failing to stand for Amhran na bhFiann , stealing ten bob from the chapel plate, spending said sum on brassers at St. James s Gate, having impure thoughts about Tony Blair, spitting on a baby at a county fair, referring to Derry as Londonderry, and performing an anal act in front of a sister of Christ. Yet while this stark confessional would bring the house down if delivered in front of Rikki Lake, Montell Williams or Vanessa Feltz, it was a different story entirely on Gaybo s patch.
I LL PUT A CURSE ON GAY! ran the following week s News Of The World as it transpired that Tridentine Bishop Michael Cox had taken extreme umbrage at Ding Dong s bout of soul-cleansing, and invoked a heavenly hoodoo on the host.
The content of the song was blasphemous and since The Late Late Show refused to apologise, I am now going to impose a penance on Gay Byrne, the bishop said. I don t wish harm on Gay Byrne, or indeed anyone, but I have to do my job. God will decide the when, how and where of what will happen and I believe He will take a serious view of what took place on the show. It was horrible and abusive.
Going to mass in women s clothes is not on, having impure thoughts about Tony Blair implies homosexuality, which is against God s law and what kind of a person would spit on an innocent child? The whole thing was disgusting and God won t stand for that.
Ding Dong himself is somewhat bemused by the whole affair, as he explained from behind a foaming pint-pot in a city centre watering-hole. I couldn t believe it when it made The News Of The World. I don t read that paper, although I used to when I was younger, until I realised that the only English rags worth bothering about were the ones left on a battlefield soaked in blood. Although the way things are going in this country I m not surprised. It s gone so bleedin sappy in this country, people worrying about whether this wallpaper matches that couch, worrying about their Thousand Island Dressing and these type of things when it s one island they should be worrying about. God be with the days when people d be cheering The Dubliners, Ronnie Drew and the rest of the shams and what they d be up to but now it s all Ooh he s a bit dirty-looking. Ooh his shirt is open . It makes me puke.
Denny thoroughly defends the content of Bless Me Father , but would like to clarify certain points which have emerged in the ensuing controversy. All those things I sang about were things that actually happened to me, he says in a charming inner-city brogue, although on the show I said that I farted in front of a nun when in fact I did a dirty big shite in front of one. The shams out there had a bit of a problem with that so I toned it down but it gives you the spirit of the sin.
I didn t like when The News Of The World said that I hit the Pope. I never hit the Pope, that d be stupid. Sure doesn t he live over in Italy and what the fuck would I be doing going there? It s important that I cleared that up, because what class of a fuckin eejit would be admitting to sins they didn t commit? I was actually thinking of suing The News Of The World for those other sins. I m not proud of them but you know yourself, you ve a few gargoyles on you, out for a bit of craic and things are gonna happen. So I don t see how the Bishop can have a problem with sins I was forgiven for. If priests are gonna bring up sins you ve already been absolved for, then we re all fucked.
Despite being unsure whether Bishop Cox has actually cursed him, he admits to having a wogeous hangover the morning after the broadcast a development which could possibly be attributed to divine intervention Ding Dong harbours no resentment, however, and extended the hand of friendship towards the cleric via Dave Fanning on 2FM.
It s a shame that this falling-out happened, he says, because I think we have a lot in common. I believe the Bishop plays the accordion and uileann pipes and is a fantastic musician altogether. I think he d fit in with the lads. He might have a problem with the sins but it d be handy having a priest there to absolve you straight away. He s very welcome to join us when we play in Vicar Street although he mightn t like the name of the place.
There s another song we have that he might like, The Ballad Of Jayzes Christ , which expresses my lifelong admiration for Christ. Changing water into gargle now that s what I call a miracle. So let s forget all about curses, no gargle on Good Friday is enough of a curse. And sure wasn t Jayzes himself gagging for a drink up there on the cross and all he got was a mouthful of fuckin vinegar? I know the feeling well. n
Forget Shane MacGowan & The Popes and let s pray for Ding Dong Denny O Reilly & The Bishop at Vicar St. in June.