Hot Off The Press: Stuff That Ain't True

Bohemians Get Bottled

Dublin five-piece blamed for after-match riot.

Fans of Bohemians FC were the subject of an extraordinary attack as they exited from Dalymount Park last night. A hail of bottles, which had been thrown by a group of youths with long tousled hair and sporting Thrills t-shirts, greeted the fans as they made their way along Phibsboro Road.
“There was glass everywhere,” one eyewitness told Hot Off The Press. “It was like a scene outside your average pub at closing time on a Friday night.” The attackers were holding banners that said ‘Let’s Bottle Bohemians’ – a thinly veiled reference, according to a Garda spokesperson, to the title of the new album by The Thrills, Let’s Bottle Bohemia.
“We’re just doing it for our heroes,” one of the rioters, who refused to give his name, told reporters. “Although we were a bit disappointed that they failed to show up for the rumble themselves.”
The Thrills (pictured) were unavailable for comment, though they are said to be helping the Gardai with their enquiries.

Me Banned From Title Of Songs

In an extraordinary move that is likely to cause anger among songwriters, the word ‘me’ has been banned from songtitles that will be played on RTE.

“There are just too many songs with ‘me’ in the title,” a spokesperson for RTE commented. “People nowadays are just far too selfish. We’re just going to have to do something about it – and this is the first step.”
The ban follows the appearance of Bryan McFadden’s ‘Real To Me’ and Eric Prydz’s ‘Call On Me’ at No.1 and No.2 in the charts last week.
“I wouldn’t mind, only bloody Ashlee Simpson had ‘Pieces Of Me’ in the charts at the same time,” the RTE spokesperson added. “And incidentally, we’re thinking of banning names like Prydz as well. I mean, how the fuck do you pronounce that? Or Youssou N’Dour. I mean, give the poor DJ a break. Please.”
“You mean they’re not going to play my classic ‘The Old Lady and Me’?” an outraged Jimmy McCarthy – Ireland’s leading songwriter – commented when informed about the ban. “Maybe I should change the name to ‘The Old Lady and Someone Else’.”

Gloves off! Famous fights decided.

Who’d win in a fight between Paddy Casey and Glen Hansard?
It’s a tough contest between ‘The Ginger Whinger’ and ‘The Nut’ Casey. While Hansard is known for his deft southpaw, Casey boxes like a cornered kangaroo. You could expect Hansard to last the distance and possibly steal it on points – but the clever money would be on Casey for a KO, maybe as early as the fifth.
Next week: who’d win in a fight between Katie Melua and Norah Jones?
Gloves off! Famous fights decided.
Who’d win in a fight between Katie Melua and Norah Jones?
Surely the mother of all cat fights, but this one could be a ‘bloody Norah’ affair. Melua has lightning reflexes and a tidy right hook. Jones has inherited all of her father’s fighting skills, which amounts to nothing as he was a peace-loving hippy. Jones to get floored in the 2nd.
Next week: who’d win in a fight between Dave Fanning and Tom Dunne?