Hot Off The Press

THE KILLERS IN IINNOCENT PLEA
In a shock statement that has rattled the recording industry worldwide, the hot New York combo, The Killers, have denied that they ever killed anybody.
“I know that some people have taken our name as an admission of guilt,” their lead singer Brandon Flowers exclusively told Hot Off The Press, after the band had been released on bail by the Central Criminal Court in New York last week. “But I can’t understand why they would do that. I mean, if we were really guilty, do you think we’d have drawn attention to ourselves with a name like that.”
However, a spokesman for the New York police department was sceptical about the singer’s surprise claims.
“Anyone who’d release an album of recycled ‘80s cliches like Hot Fuss is guilty as hell, as far as I’m concerned,” he stated. “I mean, they’ve already told us about all the things they’ve done, so it’s just a matter of linking what we heard in the song with some of the unsolved murders we’ve been investigating and hey presto – we’re bound to secure a conviction.”
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” a spokesman for the band’s record company commented. “I mean, if somebody told me they were changing their name to The Mass Murderers, then I’d start to worry. It just doesn’t sound very commercial, does it?”

NUMBER OF THE BEAST WAS ABOUT EU HEADAGE PAYMENTS, SAYS IRON MAIDEN STAR
The lead singer with controversial British heavy metal combo Iron Maiden has finally come clean as to the meaning of one of the band’s most celebrated songs.
“A lot of people seemed to think that ‘The Number Of The Beast’ was a paean to Aleister Crowley or somesuch,” Bruce Dickinson, the frontman and chief songwriter with the metal Gods revealed exclusively to Hot Off The Press’ heavy metal correspondent, Deffin Onear. “In fact nothing could be further from the truth.”
“I pressed him as to the exact purpose of the song, as I felt in my blood that the true meaning of life might lie within the grooves – if indeed it is proper to talk of grooves, now that records are no longer pressed on vinyl,” Onear told the Hot Off The Press news team. “And indeed, I was right.”
“I have always believed that the concept of CAP was against both God and nature,” the Maiden singer confirmed to our man, Deffin. “And so I put the entire truth about EU headage payments into what I believe is the most important song I’ve written to date. It was actually called ‘The Number of the Beasts’, but unfortunately due to a typographical error in the artwork, the name of the song became ‘The Number Of The Beast’. As a result, we were forced to re-record the song, and the rest, as they say, is history.”
* Meanwhile, in other entertainment industry news, rumours that the Hot Off The Press heavy metal correspondent Deffin Onear may be forced to change his name to Deffin Twoears have neither been confirmed nor denied by the magazine. Remember, you read it here first!

JIM WON'T FIX IT
Trouble is already brewing on the set of the new Jim Sheridan movie starring 50 Cent. Hot off the Press has learned that a row has broken out over the size of the rapper’s trailer. In a statement issued yesterday, director Sheridan claims he is “fed up with Fiddy’s demands to have his trailer pimped up,” and “cannot see a future for the project unless the rapper stops making ridiculous requests for green and purple upholstery and a hot tub”.
The movie, a remake of The Wizard of Oz with Cent playing Dorothy, has now been “put on hold indefinitely” until the dispute has been resolved. But 50 Cent is unrepentant. “Where the bitches and ho’s at?” he asked a key grip earlier in the week. “I don’t know,” replied the technician. It’s not the first time a collaboration between hip-hop and Irish cinema has gone wrong. In 1990, director Neil Jordan attempted an ill-fated remake of D’Arby O’Gill and the Little People with MC Hammer playing D’Arby O’Gill. The rapper famously refused to take off his massive pants for the shoot and quit filming after just two days.