Hot Off The Press

REVEALED: THE TOP 100 GREATEST 100 POLLS OF ALL TIME

Ladies and gentlemen, we have been hard at it this past fortnight polling people all over the world to definitively establish the 100 Greatest 100 Greatest Polls Of All Time. Due to space limitations we will not be in a position to list them all, but what a long strange trip in finding out, eh! And now, without further ado, here is that definitive list we promised you of The 100 Greatest 100 Greatest Polls Of All Time. Well, the Top 5 at least. Or rather, at most.

1. The 100 Greatest Fights Between Noel and Liam Gallagher
2. The 100 Greatest Occasions Courtney Love Was Thrown Out Of A Club
3. The 100 Greatest Rap Songs In Which The Word ‘Motherfucker’ Doesn’t Occur (Insider tip: the voting panel got stuck at No. 59. Don’t tell anyone)
4. The 100 Greatest Jarveys In Killarney
5. Sinead O’Connor’s 100 Greatest Retirement Messages
*A full list of the 100 Greatest Polls Ever is available on request. Log on to hootpress.com, or send a hundred euro in used notes to Hot off the Press, Dublin, Ireland.

U2 Join Forces With Orange

U2 have announced a major new partnership with the mobile phone giant Orange. Under the terms of the deal every U2 song will be available as a ringtone on specially designed Orange phones.
"Most Orange phones are blue," a spokesman for the company told Hot Off The Press, "but this is going to be a black Orange. The phones will be signed by the band and there will be a free juicer with the first 1,000 phones purchased."
The band have dismissed accusations that they are selling out as 'sour grapes'."That sort of criticism drives me bananas," the band's singer Bono told reporters at a news conference. "It's the last strawberry. We just think that Oranges are so sexy. We used to have a thing about lemons, and melons, but now it's Oranges all the way. Although, if there' a company out there called Satsuma, we'd really like to work with them."
Asked would an orange feature in their new stage show, the singer refused to comment – although he did confirm that fans would be in for a few juicy surprises when the band do finally hit the road. He also confirmed that Canadian performance rocker Peaches will support them on what is clearly this year's plum tour.
As the lead singer left the conference, fans outside the building chanted "Go, man go." A spokesman for a Pineapple refused to comment.

GLOVES OFF! FAMOUS FIGHTS DECIDED.

Who’d win in a fight between Ronnie Drew and Shane McGowan?

This match between ‘The Wild Rover’ Drew and ‘Ten Pints’ McGowan is likely to turn into a brawl. Whatever you do, don’t expect a decent stand-up scrap. Drew may have an advantage with the beard – he can use it as camouflage and duck and weave behind it. Then again, it could be sore if Shane gets a hold of it. Still the Pogues man is likely to find it difficult to stay on his feet for very long, so a simple smack on the gob should be enough to win it for Ronnie. Verdict: Rum, sodomy and McGowan to get lashed.

Next issue: Who’d win in a fight between the Wu Tang Clan and the Monks of Glenstal Abbey?

GREEN DAY FEELING GREEN

Outrageous teen rockers Green Day have admitted that they feel rather sheepish about their failed attempt to rouse the American youth vote against Bush. "We’re like totally bummed out dude," they told fans via their website americanidiots.com. "I can’t believe Al Gore didn’t win, he was like really cool and stuff. Next year we’re voting for Xzibit – he’s, like, so far out there man and the shit he does with cars is really whack." John Kerry, was unavailable for comment.