Hot Off The Press

No Kanye Do

A rapper’s name has divided Ireland’s hip hop fans. By A Reporter

A row has broken out over the pronunciation of Kanye West’s (pictured) first name. West (real name Michael Magoo) is set to play a sell-out gig in Dublin – but fans have been split over the singer’s wacky name. “It’s pronounced ‘kon-yeah’,” claims Dick Shiner, a leading DJ with UCD Student Radio. However Ulick De Stamp, Entertainments Officer for Trinity College, disagrees. “It’s obviously pronounced ‘Kin-ye’,” he told reporters. The rapper’s record company has dismissed the debate: “Ye Kan pronounce his name any way you want,” a source said, “as long as you keep buying his records. Now Kan Ye tell us who’s for the last of the Kanye West t-shirts?”

XMAS CHART-TOPPERS: THE BATTLE IS ON

Record company bosses are set to battle it out to claim the coveted top spot in the singles sharts. But who are the chief contenders for the festive No.1? A handy guide – By A Reporter (Another One).
Cliff Richard: ‘Peace, Love and Chastity To All’. Sir Cliff is back with a rip-roaring yuletide stonker. And by ‘rip-roaring’ we mean really fucking dreadful. And by ‘yuletide stonker’ we really mean 'typical Xmas stinker'. This is an awful piece of shit.
And by awful we mean unbelievably fucking awful.
Westlife: ‘Please Love Us and Happy Christmas’. Now just a foursome, Westlife hope to once again scale the charts with an ode to the baby Jesus and self-pity. But they haven't a hope unless they come up with some charity angle pronto. A waste of vinyl, except that they don't use vinyl anymore, which they used to back in my day.
Peaches: 'Fuck The Pain Away, Santa' The oh-so-sweet little Canadian MOR artist is on top form with this characteristically delicate paean to ferocious riding with a strange man, irrespective of the fact that he's a big fat fucker with a long white beard. Peaches is the sensitive type – and this spiritual little offering is made for the season that's in it. OUR TIP FOR No.1!!!

GLOVES OFF! FAMOUS FIGHTS DECIDED.

Who’d win in a fight between Dave Fanning and Tom Dunne?

A very attractive bout between ‘The Dinosaur’ Fanning and ‘The Animal’ Dunne. It’s a case of the sorcerer against the apprentice, Mr. Miyagi versus the Karate Kid. While Fanning has a sharp right hook, nothing can stop the youthful exuberance of the ex-Something Happens singer. If Dunne can get Fanning pinned on the ropes you’d have to fear for the 2FM indie crusader. Verdict: The Dinosaur to become extinct in the 3rd.
Next week: who’d win in a fight between Ronnie Drew and Shane McGowan?

ALBUM GETS WHITE HOUSE APPROVAL

U2 Record Sparks Bizarre Outburst

A leading US official has slammed U2’s new album ‘How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb’ as “irresponsible and inconsiderate”. “We can’t have everyone going around dismantling atomic bombs,” said a spokesman for the White House. “Although come to think of it we’ll probably be able to sell a few more to Israel if some more of theirs can be put out of commission. So go for it, peaceniks.” Meanwhile U2’s record company has admitted that several thousand copies of the new album have been released without the bomb-dismantling instructions. “It’s just a technical glitch,” said a spokesperson. “We’ll post them out to anyone who didn’t get them.”