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EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES NOT EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES
Emerging Scottish indie band The Emperor’s New Clothes insist they are not the emperor’s new clothes, as some cynical rock journalists have recently claimed. The Glasgow quintet are one of the new wave of Scottish bands currently hogging the rock limelight. However, in a recent interview lead singer Edmund Shoegazer insisted the band are for real. “I mean,” he added trenchantly, “if we wanted people to think we were some sort of emperor’s new clothes we would have called ourselves... hang on a minute, I just need to have a word with our bass player.”

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The Emperor’s New Clothes are currently toasting the success of their new single ‘The Next Big Thing’, which has been described as “the next big thing” (hotpress) and a “white-hot slice of pure fudge gunk pogo jock rock” (NME). The band’s manager is convinced they are the new saviours of rock. “They wear pointy shoes,” Mickey told journalists a hastily convened news conference yesterday. “And they have a ‘the’ in front of their name. All good band’s have a ‘the’ in front of their name. They’re in the grand tradition of The Beatles, The Sawdoctors, The ABBA and The George Michael.”

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In a shocking new development, bitter rivals Franz Ferdinand have dismissed The Emperor’s New Clothes as “public school namby-pambies” and challenged them to a game of lacrosse. “They’re a bunch of posh twats,” said Ferdinand frontman John Whatsisname, “who wouldn’t know a nude king from a raving queen if he came up and sucked their dicks. A spokesperson for the National Gay Federation refussed to comment, dismissing the spat as “peurile”.

THAT’S NOT REAL TO ME
MacFadden denies Aras Bid
Brian MacFadden has dismissed recent reports that he is set to run for president of Ireland. “It’s complete nonsense,” he told reporters, “put about by my publicist in order to get me even more column inches with nothing to back them up.” “Not that my Brian needs any more inches!”, his wife and ex-Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona gushed, with her tongue out. Mary MacAleese was unavailable for comment.
Inside: Where would we be without the inch? 16-page supplement on the trusty inch – a unit of measurement too long taken for granted.

SO MUCH FOR THE T-SHIRTS
The Thrills have revealed that their last two years’ supply of cool t-shirts has been stolen. The incident occurred while the band were recording their new single ‘Santa Ponza’ in the popular Majorcan resort of the same name. “We’re obviously totally gutted,” said lead singer Conor Deasy. “I’m particularly going to miss my dusty yellow and green ‘Cool Surf School Dude’ t-shirt, which had a picture of a man and a surfboard on it.” Local police say they did see two sun-burnt Irish men selling t-shirts outside a disco bar but it is believed that they were too drunk at the time to make any enquiries (the police, not the Irish men). The Thrills will finish the upcoming studio sessions for their third album naked from the waist up, according to sources.
Next week: Nude pics of Daniel O’Donnell with commemorative DVD and poster